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Monday, May 27, 2013

"In Pennsylvania, a couple stabbed each other in an argument over who should win 'American Idol.' At last we finally know why 'American Idol' is losing so many viewers. They're killing each other." -Conan O'Brien

"Pope Francis made an extremely controversial statement. He says he believes anyone can go to heaven if you do good deeds, even atheists. It would be fun to let atheists into heaven if for no other reason than to see the look on their faces when they get there." -Jimmy Kimmel

"Amtrak trains may soon have special cars where passengers can sit with their pets. Though it'll be awkward when you try to talk to your cat and he just slips on his headphones." -Jimmy Fallon

If you think Benghazi is worse than slavery, the Trail of Tears, Japanese internment, Tuskegee, purposefully injecting Guatemalan mental patients with syphilis, lying about WMDs, and the fact that banks today are still foreclosing on mortgages they don’t own, then your hard-on for Obama has lasted more than four hours, and you need to call a doctor. -Bill Maher

Top Ten Things I've Learned As A Late Show Intern

10. "Laugh at the jokes whether they're funny or not" (Randi Furman)
9. "Attention to detail is super implortant" (Emily Erotas)
8. "Buying 100% pure grain alcohol is not as easy as it sounds" (Victoria Disque)
7. "There's no better way to work for free and learn nothing about show business" (Sasha Lildharrie)
6. "Weekly transfusions of our youthful blood keep Dave alive" (Paul Napoli)
5. "The camera loves me" (Kevin Noonan)
4. "It's more fun to watch television than to work in television" (Sophie Boudreau)
3. "Snitches get stitches" (Jason Seligson)
2. "After several months, you start to have feelings for the photocopier" (Neal Fessler)
1. "I should've interned for a Jimmy" (Ryan Wilson)

David Letterman

Most of the media resisted picking up the Fox News talking points about Benghazi because they were made up, but now that’s there’s three bull manure scandals that we’re in, we are so there. They are so obsessed with this, Amanda Knox could fall down a well and get eaten by a shark, they wouldn’t report it this week. -Bill Maher

Doesn’t it matter that these are all bull manure? The Benghazi scandal continues to fall apart. We found out today that Republicans who leaked the emails last week changed the wording. No it doesn’t matter because they’re in their bubble. That’s where they live. I thought after the election that the bubble would become more permeable. No, it’s like Chris Christie. Without corrective surgery, it just gets thicker. -Bill Maher

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