I woke up early this morning, with no help from the alarm, due to a not so great dream. I had every intention of lacing up my tennis shoes and going for a jog/walk around the neighborhood... one of my favorite things.
Only. I didn't. I didn't get out of bed. I talked with my fiance as he got ready for work. Our boy cat is a little bit crazy in the morning and he attacked my foot and played for a few minutes and DF shut him out of the bedroom when he left for work (both cats go downstairs together and watch sportscenter with him in the morning).
I didn't get out of bed. I laid there, thinking about my day, about how much I wanted to go walking, about how much I didn't want to go to work and deal with my day. It wasn't anxiety, I don't know what the emotion was. I finally made myself get out of bed at 6:30. First thing I did was weigh myself-- ha.
Let's just admit now, that I ate too much crap last night. I've whined and cried and bit&%$ about how I know what causes my binges-- so why do I continue to set myself up for failure. I am exasperated. I am disgusted. I am sad. But I didn't have those feelings 'til right now. I saw the number, shrugged it off and told myself that today would be better. Came downstairs, filled my water bottle, packed a healthy breakfast & lunch & snacks for work, took out a healthy choice for dinner from the freezer and set some supplies on the counter and then decided I should change some of my nutrition logs I completed yesterday since I didn't end up packing what I planned yesterday. And I immediately felt the need to write a blog?!
So I know how to lose weight, or I used to know, since I've lost and gained the same 20 (plus 10 the last 2 years) pounds a million times. I am so stuck in this rut. I literally think I hate my job. I mean, I just can't seem to get it together lately. I am miserable. My pride or commitment to the kids or a combination of both, won't let me quit or find a different job-- though I have made some feeble attempts to locate other work-- and what a blow to the ego when I can't even land an interview for jobs that I think I would be completely qualified for or over-qualified for?! As I sit here and type this blog entry, tears stream down my face-- is it embarrassment or hurt or what is it? I can't even tell anymore.
When I accepted this current job, I was positive and excited. It was going to be a better opportunity, Just What I Needed. However, the only thing that has been better is the paycheck-- other than that, the work is the same with even poorer management than I had before. I never feel like I know where to begin. When I started-- it took, well let's be honest, the messes still aren't completely cleaned up-- I'm working with youth that the system failed and trying to make up for it-- I mean, I have a lot to celebrate-- both have potentially adoptive families now-- but that does not undo what the system allowed to happen to them and all the trauma they continue to suffer from. And I guess it would be one thing in itself, if it was just the trauma and the hurt children I had to worry about, but the constant demands, that are many times,
r i d i c u l o u s just make the days worse. I've worked with many of my coworkers for years and because upper management has asked me as 'middle' management to perform certain tasks and ensure that documentation is properly completed and that this I is dotted and this T is crossed in a different manner, they have now, pretty much, shunned me. Not that this really bothers me, other than I think they are whiny babies who need to grow up and be accountable, but it is extremely frustrating to continue to get the eye rolls or the whispering behind my back or the "If you send me one more email, it's going to push me over the edge"-- this was said to me, about an email that I was told must be sent, that I worded in the nicest way possible-- so I responded with "why are you letting emails stress you out? I had to send it, read it, either print it out if you need it or delete it and move on"-- This conversation was had with a worker who has been in the field for 12 years-- if an email is pushing you over the edge, pehaps it is time to move on (of course that stayed in my brain and not released from my lips)... I say that this stuff doesn't bother me, but I'm typing about it here, so obviously it is. I just feel stuck in high school again and don't want any parts of it. I don't have time to play high school with co-workers when I'm dealing in people's lives as my profession. Man up or Move on.
To top it off, there is no support. None. Just more added to the "to do list" and nothing I do or accomplish is ever good enough. I've never been one that needs notoriety for my work or accomplishments, truly-- I know that this field is a thankless one. I know the lives I've tried to touch, the work I've done, the sleepless nights I've had to accomlish what I have-- I have done a lot of good in 8 years-- and I've had my share of failures and shortcomings-- I am human. But I came to this agency almost 3 years ago and this unit was in shambles. The workers were not even visiting the children appropriately, files were a chaotic mess and children and families were being failed-- In under 3 years, I have directly helped this unit get "their stuff" together-- mainly by restaffing and implementing POLICY and striving for BEST PRACTICE, not just mimimum requirements. After all of this, I still feel that each day, I'm going to be scolded for "not good enough", for not doing enough, for not dotting an I correctly... I am just exhausted. When do I say When?
I am exhausted. Emotionally exhausted.
I don't feel like I can talk to anyone because they either don't understand, don't care or can't be trusted. So, I come here, my safe/healthy space and let it all out.
I don't know what to do.
Other than I should have went for my walk.