I'm at a crossroads in my life...where do I go from here?
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
I'm not sure where to start, so I'm just going to start typing and hopefully this will all make some sense in the end.
For the past few months I have felt my life was changing, but I also felt in many ways I was ready for a change, the next chapter of my life so to speak.
For many years I identified myself as "the wife and mother" and most of those years I also worked outside the home. I sang in my church choir for 8 years. My life was busy and full and I knew what my role was. The years ticked on....my son went into the Marines, moved out and began his adult life's journey. He got married and started a family. My daughter was a pre-teen when I got my divorce, so she lived with me until she too grew up...went to college...moved out....got married and started her family.
I became an empty nester...and it took some getting used to believe me. But I found my job kept me busy, working a lot of over time, working even some nights and weekends. I found my value in what I did in the community, teaching and making a difference in people's quality of life. For 16 years I worked hard, felt proud of what I did and earned respect from the citizens in the community I served. I was very good at what I did and was very proud of the job I did. I have been in my job for a total of 25 years, but those 16 years I spoke about were the most rewarding. But things have changed in my job the last 3 years. There have been changes with Command Staff, and they have brought in younger people and pushed out most of the "old timers". I am one of the very few left. I take it one day at a time, not sure what the future has in store for me. They have taken my job and all my duties and given them to the 4 people they have added to my unit over the last 3 years. I have lost my identity and my value in my job. I come in every day and feel lost and unappreciated, I'm merely existing. Not sure what my role is anymore. I have asked for more, but they act like they just want me to get enough and just leave.
Then there's my home life....when I divorced almost 15 years ago, I bought a new home. My then young daughter and I settled in nicely, with our 2 cats and with a pre-teen and eventually a teenager in the home, believe me there was never a dull moment! Friends were always coming by, she was in school, I was working two jobs (my full time job and a part time retail job), I also tried dating for awhile, so life was busy and full still. Then my daughter grew up, moved out and started her adult life. Mom rocked along....adjusted, but kept on going. Then three years ago I lost one of my kitties, Miss Lucky. Then it was just Socks and I. Then as many of you know Socks (18 yrs. old kitty) died a week and a half ago.
I have never felt the hole and emptiness in my life and my heart that I have felt over the last few weeks. I have lost interest in my home, which I've always loved. I don't have my job to keep me busy and to help me feel like I'm contributing anything. My grown children are busy with their lives and families (as I was at their age). I am struggling day in and day out. I keep praying for God to show me where I go from here. That I am ready for the next chapter of my life. I'm not even sure why I'm writing all this down, or what I'm asking for. Maybe some advice from others that have been where I am right now. I go home every night and I pull into the drive way and I have this overwhelming sadness overcome me knowing I have to face that empty house again....to fill another night alone, once again.
I have done well over the last 4 months to take off weight (38 lbs, since January) but now I'm so afraid I'm going to fall back into bad habits, only because it's comfortable, it's what I know best. Those of us that struggle with our weight know that food is always there, and we want to fill that hole we have in our hearts and life with something to make it go away. I don't want to do that, I know as many of you do too, that will only add to my problems.
If you have been where I am now, or have any advice that might help me find my way, I would appreciate it. In all the devastation in OK, I feel bad to even ask for help, but if you have the time to send me some advice I would really appreciate it or say a little prayer for me that God will reveal to me what my new "role" is.
Thanking you in advance for reading this~