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Monday, May 20, 2013

Former South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford is the guy who told his wife he was going for a hike and then went to Argentina to see his girlfriend. He was then exposed as an unethical, lying, cheating weasel. In a stunning comeback, he has been elected to Congress, where he’ll fit right in. -Jay Leno

What can I say? The voters of South Carolina have spoken. Mark Sanford beat my sister, and I believe that means Mark Sanford is now my sister. And on behalf of my entire family, I want to say we’re deeply sorry about him. My sister lost. How could this happen? I was so sure Lulu had won because CNN called it for Sanford. -Stephen Colbert

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie says he’s still adjusting after his surgery to reduce how much he can eat. He said, ‘I now have six free hours a day I don’t know what to do with.’ -Conan O'Brien

Yesterday, Delaware became the most recent state to legalize same-sex marriage. That marks the 11th state to make same-sex marriage legal and the first thing I know about Delaware. -Jimmy Fallon

President Obama said in his last press conference that he wants to close Gitmo. Gitmo? How about closing Dodger Stadium? How many people are being tortured there night after night? -Jay Leno

NASA is taking applications for people who want to live on Mars. Now here are the requirements: You have to be between the ages of 18 and 40 and insane. I know it sounds like a lot of fun. But the flight alone is six months to Mars. It's eight months if you leave from Newark. -David Letterman

Senator John McCain will introduce a bill that lets cable customers pick which channels they want to pay for. For instance, HBO would cost you $10, AMC would cost you $5, and NBC would pay you $200. -Jimmy Fallon

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From Your Doctor After Gastric Band Surgery

10. "All done, Fatso!"
9. "You're alive?!
8. "Open your mouth and say 'Moooo!'"
7. "We didn't have to, but I shaved you"
6. "When we opened you up, it was like a Golden Corral"
5. "If you experience any discomfort keep it to yourself"
4. "I went ahead and added the gastric suspenders"
3. "You're beautiful when you're unconscious"
2. "And now the easy part: diet and exercise"
1. "Your gender reassignment was a success"

-David Letterman

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie revealed that he underwent a surgery that restricts the amount of food he can consume. As a result, 12 animals have been removed from the endangered species list. -Conan O'Brien

Today President Obama and Joe Biden met with South Korean President Park Geun-hye, who is known as South Korea’s ‘Iron Lady.’ Or as Biden put it, ‘Can you introduce me to Iron Man?’ -Jimmy Fallon

Over the weekend, Arnold’s son Patrick Schwarzenegger was kicked out of a nightclub in Hollywood. Apparently, Patrick threatened the DJ. It was a chaotic scene. Security rushed in and said, ‘Which one of you is Schwarzenegger’s kid?’ And 50 people raised their hands. -Craig Ferguson

CNN anchor Carol Costello was robbed of her iPhone in broad daylight while walking down the street in Atlanta. Unfortunately it was on CNN, so there weren’t any witnesses. -Jay Leno

Yesterday President Obama spoke at Ohio State's graduation, and told students that it's their responsibility to make the world a better place. It got awkward when students were like, 'Wait, isn't that literally your responsibility? -Jimmy Fallon

PETA is really upset at Chris Christie for killing a spider in front of a group of school children. Governor Christie said, 'If PETA is upset by that, they do not want to know what I had for lunch today.' -Conan O'Brien

Top Ten Thoughts People Have About Sandwiches

10. "Sure, I'll have a sandwich"
9. "Is the second date too early for a French dip?"
8. "Honestly, screw wraps"
7. "Is America ready for its first gay sandwich?"
6. "Do I want a 12-inch or a foot-long?"
5. "Has the United States Treasury considered a sandwich-backed currency?"
4. "What does BLT stand for?"
3. "When will this country lift the ban on Cuban sandwiches?"
2. "When I say 'hold the pickles' I'd actually like to hold the pickles"
1. "Grinder? I just met her!"

David Letterman

If Obama can't take our guns, he'll make sure you can't put anything in them. After that, he's going to come after Rush by buying up all the hookers and canned frosting. -Jay Leno
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