Urge to Purge, Rising
Monday, May 20, 2013
My weight has been all over the place since last Wednesday. I think stress and random eating habits are to blame; I've been staying under calories since going over at the movie theater last week, but I haven't gone to the store and therefore have been relying on what I can scrounge up on the go (I unwittingly spent thirty bucks at Whole Foods yesterday on three to-go meals - what a ridiculously expensive place!). Day to day my weight is varying wildly, sometimes almost two pounds win twenty-four hours. I hope things stabilize soon, because I hate this feeling that I'm yo yo-ing between 187 and 189, and I'm off track of my weekly goals already! UGH.
Work was really, really stressful there for a few days. Not only were the other two shifts dumping a ridiculous amount of work on my shift and getting the whole company behind, but our supervisor straight up quit and we've been at least two or three people short every single night. It got to the point no matter how hard we pushed ourselves, there was no closing the gap. That's a terrible feeling, especially when there are a few co-workers who drag their feet and don't take anything seriously. That's a dangerous combination. Things seem to be making headway in the catching up department though, which is good - although I might go into work today and discover that something happened between getting off work and now and there's a ridiculous amount of work again *sigh*.
It's hard not being stressed out, because on top of the crazy stuff going on at work I feel like I'm at my wit's end when it comes to my home life. Normally living with my parents doesn't bother me (although having to move back home and not being able to live on my own after the divorce was a HUGE pill to swallow, and still is really), but lately EVERYTHING around here has been getting on my nerves. It seems at least my mother has started up a habit of eating my groceries, from my fruit popsicles to my yogurt to I guess whatever is around to satisfy her sweet tooth. She doesn't even ask and I find out when I go to get something and find it missing, which is EXTREMELY frustrating as I have been relying on those snack-like foods to get me between meals and staying in range. One of the reasons I haven't been to the grocery store is because I don't want my food to disappear! At least when my brother wants something of mine, he asks first.
And there's nothing quite like coming home after a long, stressful night at work to a house with no air conditioning. In Texas. Going through the front door is like hitting a wall of thick, hot, stagnant air. Getting a good night's sleep is near to impossible, just like getting ready for work without being dressed in sweat when it's time to leave. And that's all because my father thinks turning the air on is too expensive - but buying a personal window unit for their bedroom and running it constantly is a perfectly reasonable expense. *Eye roll*
Oh, and EVERYTHING in this house is DIRTY. DIRTY DIRTY DIRTY. It's getting on my nerves. Don't get me wrong, I've been known to let a few of my things pile up here and there during my work week. But I seriously can't tell you when the last time the floors were mopped or vacuumed. The sink is always full of gunked up dishes and the laundry room piled with clothes that I've never seen before (which is weird because most of them are from the 1990s) that I know no one is going to wear. In my mom's usual pack-rat, hoarding ways, every nook and cranny of the house is stuffed with crap she can't seem to let go of, stupid stupid stuff like single servings of sugar, computer stuff that's at least a decade old (almost as old as all these mysterious clothes), old papers and notebooks and washed out peanut butter jars that are supposed to be used for - what? Seriously, this house is above all CLUTTERED, and at the moment being here makes me feel boxed in, overrun, DIRTY, and trapped. I just spent an hour cleaning up the kitchen because (hopefully) I'm going to the store before work so I can make a healthy lunch instead of blowing all my money eating out, but knowing it will all be dirtified and destroyed before I can even get home tonight is a dark, depressing thought.
**DISCLAIMER. I know I'm making my family totally sound like white trash junkies. Compared to my minimalist aesthetics, they are, but to the average person probably not so much. I'm probably also exaggerating at tiny bit considering my mind is hell bent on brooding on the extreme opposite side of the spectrum. I'm totally wishing this house had nothing but the bare bone essentials right now (like, everyone has a dish and fork and that's it), and I'm sure that's reflected in my exaggeration.
So yeah. I feel like I'm going a bit stir crazy from all the stress. It's affecting my sleep, and no doubt my weight loss efforts. Right now I'm overwhelmed with the desire to do honor to one of my ex-husband's signature habits and purge the whole house of non-essentials. I'm even looking at my bookcase and shelves of my precious books and wondering if I could do without at least half what's there, and that's saying something if I'm considering doing that, haha.
Urge to purge, rising.
And this is one of those rare moments where I wish I had a place of my own, a place where I feel like I have control over my environment and I don't feel like I have to wade through the heat and the clutter imposed upon me by others (especially when I feel like I can't even say anything about how I'm bothered by it, because this isn't my house and I'm just a burden who is allowed to live here). I've never had that. There's always been parents or roommates or a spouse who was more crazy about having control over living space than me. And what's worse than this phase of yearning for such a thing is knowing that I'm light years from ever being able to achieve it. I have to tackle the seemingly insurmountable obstacle of debt (credit cards, student loans, car payment....) before I could even dream of having enough money for rent and utilities, and that's several year's worth of work. YEARS.
I thought writing this down and having a good rant about what's bothering me would make me feel better, but I think at this point I just feel more down. Funny how things tend to blow up in my face, haha.
Well it wouldn't be one of my blogs unless I tried looking on the bright side first. Tomorrow is my Friday, and I'm less than two weeks away from my first paid vacation ever, so I guess that's definitely a plus, haha. Perhaps if I can motivate myself to spend my weekend doing some spring cleaning (and thus not going out and spending money), I'll feel productive and better about my living situation.
I guess the longer I sit here whining the less time I have to be productive before going in to work. Here's hoping that things are going to start looking up soon!