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Sunday, May 19, 2013

Big thanks to everyone who commented on my "Freaking Out" blog. I was, in fact, freaking out. Perhaps prematurely, it seems. I'm still steadily losing weight but more slowly (as expected at this point). As you all pointed out to me, this is a very good thing. I'm doing the right things and showing steady progress. So, why did I have a major freak out for seemingly no reason?

This is the best way I can explain it.

Have you ever seen the movie, "Awakenings"? It is a Robert DeNiro movie from the 80's. It's the true life story of a neurologist who works with catatonic patients and develops a cure for their vegetative state. The film follows the patients as they learn to live their lives again, walking, talking and enjoying life for the first time in years. Just as the patients are getting used to the joy and heartache of living a fully engaged life, they begin slowly declining again. It turns out the cure was just temporary. They were allowed a taste of having their faculties back, but in the end, they end up right back in the vegetative state that rendered them fully catatonic in the first place. It is absolutely heartbreaking to watch them as they slowly return to their crippled, bedridden lives. Only this time, they are fully aware of all that they are losing.

Why do I bring up this movie? I think my "freak out" was motivated by a fear of regression. Since losing 60 pounds, I have felt exhilarated, worthy, beautiful, happy and like I'm growing by leaps ad bounds as a person every day. I cannot overstate how much better I feel about myself, and how much happier I am.

In the past, I have never maintained my weight. I was always, ALWAYS either gaining or losing. In my mind, if I'm not actively losing, it is only a matter of time before I find myself back where I started. And I can truly say without exaggeration that that would be a terrible fate.

When I weighed 245 pounds, I was completely out of sync with my life. Though I was accomplishing impressive things, I felt strangely out of control. Like I had no say over my own fate. Now, I'm not just living my life, I am actively shaping it and demanding the best of myself and others. Before, I was almost catatonic in a sense: awake but asleep at the wheel, watching my life and my body with a curious sense of detachment. Now, I'm present, truly living life fully everyday.

I can't go back.

So, I will keep moving forward. Maintenance is going to be such a big change for me when I get there because of this fear of inertia. But I know I will get a hold of these feelings. I know I'll continue moving towards my goals and achieve them. And I know I will be able to count on Sparkpeople, and all of you wonderful friends, along the way.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • SGRAY478
    I am glad you figured out why you were freaking out. Don't be afraid to enjoy this! You most certainly deserve it!
    1854 days ago
    It's comforting to know I'm not the only one to feel this way from time to time. Thank you for sharing.
    1855 days ago
  • LYNSEY723
    Great blog! I know you will be able to get to your goal and maintain this time. I am maintaining right now, though not at my goal yet and I think it is teaching me a lot. I know I will be prepared when I do actually get to my goal.

    emoticon emoticon
    1855 days ago
    I can so relate to this blog! Awakenings is such an appropriate comparison. The thought of going back to how I was terrifies me. Thank goodness SP has taught us life skills for continuing my journey, getting back on track and maintaining our healthy lifestyle. It's NOT just a fluke girl! You shed 60 pounds through hard work and self-education. I won't tell you that the difference between us and the poor souls in Awakenings is that we have CONTROL over what our fate is, because I know the fear you have. That out of control feeling that causes us to eat our emotions and waste away our days in unhealthy living decisions. Just remember you have the tools and support to make this a life long change.

    I could be totally wrong, but I'm trying to see maintenance as more of the same thing I've been doing. Just more calories in and the freedom to enjoy more moderation.

    You are a success now and you will continue to be a success. You will have struggles and short term failures and you will get back up, dust yourself off and continue to be a long time success. Period.
    1855 days ago
    Glad you are aware of the pitfalls of complacency. We've all yo-yo dieted more than once, at least I have. Glad you are feeling positive and on track. Go for the gold! emoticon
    1855 days ago
  • CAALAN23
    I understand your fear completely. It's scary and sad to look back and say, "I used to be fit." I don't ever want to say that again.

    This time I am making sure to stick to my workout schedule ( as long as health and freedom from injury allow ) and to find challenges. My problem is always complacency and then weight begins to sneak up on me.

    Having a goal beyond the scale is always helpful. I'm not a race kind of gal but you might be. Train for something besides a number. Or turn that number on it's ear. For me, I really REALLY want to be able to do REAL push ups. I want strength!!! LOL!

    (Love your new background, btw. :D)
    1855 days ago
    I just knew you would figure it out. You are so darn smart! I did see that movie, but I know you will not go back to your previous self. The next time you start to freak out repeat after me " I am o.k. I am o.k. I am o.k." and remember that I'm rooting for you emoticon
    1856 days ago
    Great opportunity to really examine where you have been and where you're going to refocus. You can do this...
    1856 days ago
    Did you start doing more strength training? Make sure you take pics of yourself every month. The scale is only one tool of many, and is often deceiving. You were feeling great about yourself until you realized you didn't lose as much weight as you had previously.

    I weigh MORE than I did when I started really strength training - that's scary! - but I'm smaller and more smoothed out.

    Studies show that having a solid fitness plan in place, which includes a solid strength training component, is one of the biggest predictors of successful maintenance.

    I do understand your fear. Unfortunately for me, I am "maintaining" at obese! Hahaha... I'm not moving, but I'm not there yet.
    1856 days ago
    Great insights, thanks for sharing!
    1856 days ago
    You sound so healthy! good for you!
    bizi emoticon
    1856 days ago
    I understand how you are feeling. I feel the exact same way.

    I know you can do this. I'm so proud of you and all you've accomplished. You have made wonderful changes in your life. You are going to be able to keep your new life.
    1856 days ago
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