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Letting it out, letting it go.

Sunday, May 19, 2013

This particular blog comes after posting this on Facebook:

Worst part of the current level of hearing loss - really having music *hurt*. If it's in a certain range or vibration, it literally creates more physical pain as my brain tries to adjust. Such a horrid truth for a music teacher to have to step away from music. It feels like I must step away from my heart. Ow. How I wish I knew the gentler way through.

I am a music teacher. Music has been a fundamental piece of my existence. It is an integral piece of my life, yet the Meniere's, migraines and muscle pain of the fibromyalgia make such interesting companions on this walk through life!

Being the educator I tend to be, I went to the Mayo Clinic page to find information to share.
It also gave me the opportunity to remember that the Meniere's and migraines are linked. They're also linked to the allergies,the stress and anxiety, all links together. The sleep apnea is an important piece also It usually does link together. There's really no way it can't, if we're honest on how our systems are put together. One falling domino whacks into another domino. It just hurts.

I loved being able to do the 3 mile walk yesterday. I didn't need my cane at all. I really loved Star Trek a couple nights ago. I couldn't walk for awhile after, but got better, obviously, 'cause I walked 3 miles yesterday! This morning, when asked to help get the kids ready, I had to crawl. There is such huge variability in what my physical being can do, compared to other moments, and it's infuriating, some moments. I want more consistent good moments - more for my children than for myself. I want them to have a strong mom, not the unpredictability we have. I want to believe there are "easy answers," yet easy isn't always best. We appreciate what we work towards. Some struggles are just much harder than I want.

I can't help my family today. I want to. I'm making a healthy choice not to. Right now, as I type this, my daughter needs her next dose of medicine. It's here at the house, and I'm almost 20 minutes away from them. Driving, right now, would be really dangerous. I could do it. I've done it before. I sure don't like it, and honestly, today, I can't plot the best approach! It will be another 2 hours before they're home. We're stuck. Based on the words of another friend who has ADHD also, I suggested coffee. Coffee, for those with ADHD can calm rather than stimulate. 4 or 5 phone calls. Request through facebook. There is no help currently, but I did what I could do. I have to rest in that.

This is getting longer than I intended. I just needed to let some words out. I also let out some tears with a friend who had an ear, but no time to help. We've done what we can do today. Time to let the guilt go.

Coming back to the point at the top - music will continue to be part of my life. Music is my life. I just have to tweak my approach and try to find ways through the pain. It's complicated. It's messy. It is what it is, and I'm grateful for the opportunities to explore how to enjoy music *with* my family. Earlier my husband was playing the tenor recorder, I was on the piano, my daughter was on the ukelele and my son was attempting the slow hula to the song we were playing. It was a glorious moment. May we have more of those!
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