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Irritations and Unsupportive people.

Saturday, May 18, 2013

I find some people very irritating.

I commented on a Facebook status last night (to someone I have no mutual friends with, but you know how sometimes you'll see "so-and-so commented on a status" and then it shows what they've said). Well, I "friended" this person I don't know, because she's on a Juice Cleanse as well. I saw her post on a community we're both a member of so I sent her a friend request. She's a couple days ahead of me, but I thought we could talk here and there about our cleanse. She seems really nice and we're talking a bit every day about how we're doing, etc.

So I have this actual, real-life friend on Facebook, and apparently she saw a post or posts about my Juice Cleanse (which I've said nothing about on my own page, just in groups and to this "new friend" I have). She sent me a message at 1:00 in the morning. "I'm somewhat concerned that you're starving yourself. If you don't feel good, then why? You are beautiful, you are happy, you are raising your daughter and having fun with your husband. Eat real food! You are gorgeous. Be you! Feel healthy! Be healthy!" Then she randomly said something about not giving her any crap about her size (she's really skinny) and how it isn't her fault and how she always told me she wished she had my figure -- even though I am clinically obese.

A couple of years ago, I cut out some toxic people from my life. Essentially, all the people I ever hung out with were partiers. I can't think of another word. It's not like they partied every single night, but every single time we DID get together, that's what we did: PARTY. It was an over-abundance of food and alcohol that always lasted until morning. Some of my "friends" were (are) bonafide alcoholics. For many years, I wasn't exactly living the healthiest lifestyle. I was either not eating enough or I was eating way too much. Whenever I went to a family gathering or a get-together with friends, I'd eat and drink way too much. Eventually, all this took its toll on my mind and body. I had multiple panic attacks, I gained a TON of weight, I was miserable, and my body ached all over, all the time. I had migraines, insomnia (unless I took medicine to help me sleep), depression, irritability, and difficulty making commitments and decisions. I essentially stayed sick. Sometimes I would try to commit to a healthier lifestyle and I would be doing really well for a while. I'd turn down invitations to these parties because I didn't want to tempt myself with food and drink, and I certainly didn't want to stay up all night with loud people. Although I know I'm not an alcoholic (I've researched this and examined myself very honestly, and have come to the realization that I'm not an alcoholic), I do know that I was most likely well on my way to becoming one if I didn't get my entire life under control.

As for my social life, it was really starting to suffer. The invitations that I didn't flat-out turn down ended up getting cancelled, because I'd be at the party, get a migraine, and have to go. Sometimes, Daughter would be sick and I couldn't make it. Sometimes, I just didn't have time or energy because I'm a working mom and none of my other "friends" are moms.

So a couple of years ago, I joined a gym and really started trying to give this whole healthy living another go. This story is getting long enough, but all those friends got really pissed off at me for never hanging out. They told me "it seems like hanging out is dead last on your list." They told me "it feels like rejection" and I even had someone bashing me on Facebook, as if we were 13 years old, ignoring my messages and phone calls, then running to Facebook, making fun of me for what I'd said, slamming me, etc. I told them that I wanted to try and talk to them about it, but I wasn't going to force them either. I reminded them of all the ways I'd been a VERY GOOD friend over the years, and the multitude of times I had been involved. I tried to tell them that my health had really deteriorated and I was doing the best I could to turn that around. I also said I wasn't going to be held responsible for their insecurities, and if they felt "rejected" because I had a migraine and had to leave a party, then that was just too bad. It really hurt my feelings that they couldn't see that I was just trying to improve myself, that it had nothing at all to do with them, and it really hurt that they couldn't encourage and support me the way friends are supposed to. I realized that although we'd been in each others life for many, many years, I no longer had room for them in mine....and in all my research about alcoholism, overeating, healthy living, etc...I've learned that sometimes people really do lose friends when they change their lifestyle for the better. So I accepted that this was a new beginning and have since moved forward.

So back to this friend's Facebook message. She's one of the bonafide alcoholics I mentioned earlier. EVERY single member of her family is an alcoholic...and an obnoxious one. Each one of them has been rude and insulting to me or to a friend, etc. So she sends me that message about her "concern" that I'm starving myself and to not mention her scrawny body. First of all, I know she was drunk when she sent that message. Unless she's at work in the middle of the day, she's drunk. As soon as she gets home she cracks that bottle open. I've talked to her before when she told me she'd stopped drinking, hadn't had a drink in a week or something, but I felt like asking her, "Really? So you naturally talk in a slurred voice? I never noticed that before." **sigh** Anyway...I just want to say that I HATE FEIGNED "CONCERN." I hate it just about more than anything else. She's not at all concerned about me. What does she even know about my Juice Cleanse? First of all, she doesn't know the first dang thing about Juice Cleansing. Does she know how many calories I take in each day? No. Does she know how many fresh, healthy fruits and veggies I'm taking in with all this Juicing? No. Does she know that I'm also taking herbs and vitamins and drinking a nice herbal tea at night? No. Does she know that I've been able to get to sleep (and stay asleep!) for three nights in a row with NO MEDICINAL help whatsoever? No. Does she know how amazing I really feel? No. She just assumes that because I'm on a juice fast that I'm starving, being unhealthy, etc. That really freaking irritates me. I haven't even spoken to her in probably a year, and then here she comes in the middle of the night with a drunk message of "concern" about my Juice Cleanse. Back off.

My husband and I have this little joke, where we say, "The ONE thing I cannot tolerate is intolerance." That and ignorant judgements. And feigned, phony-baloney "concerns." I've started new weight-loss programs many times over the years and I've always had the same reactions from people. Sometimes, when people will find out I'm on a diet (for lack of a better word), they are very supportive. "Oh that's great! I know you will feel a lot better." They'll compliment me when they see I've lost weight. They'll ask me what I'm doing to lose the weight, etc. Then there are other people (often the people I know the best) and they are not at all supportive. The very first thing out of their mouths will be, "Well...don't lose too much weight." They don't ask anything about what I'm doing, don't ever compliment me (like that time I lost 25 pounds, cut my hair and had on a cute new outfit, and my "friends" that I hadn't seen in months DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE). When people hear I want to lose 40, 50, 60 pounds, they'll say, "You don't need to lose THAT much." I've also gotten within 20-30 pounds of my goal weight before, and people will say, "I think you should stop. You don't want to get too thin."

I hate this for a few reasons.

1. Are you afraid I'm going to look better than you? Are you afraid that I know more about health and nutrition than you do? Are you feeling bad that I am getting control over my body and my health and you're not?

2. Where is your "concern" when I was/am OBESE and unhealthy? Why are you only concerned about me when I'm losing weight and getting healthy -- and especially when I'm getting close to a goal? It's like everyone is perfectly happy with me being fat, but as SOON as they find out I'm trying to do something about it, they suddenly don't want me to get "too thin." I just don't get it.

3. I really don't like it when people are instant experts on why what I'm doing is wrong. I realize that I have struggled with my weight for about 12 years now. But in that time, I have done an EXTENSIVE amount of research in health and nutrition, and most of all MYSELF. I have learned what is best for my body. I have learned that I don't want to simply be thin, but I also want to be HEALTHY. That's my real goal, and I have learned what I need to do to get myself there. I can't put it all into a simple paragraph but I know what I need to do and how I need to do it. I have just had trouble with this because old habits are very hard to break...but I work on this every day and I am VERY PROUD of the knowledge I have acquired and of the progress that I HAVE made. Because you know what? One day, I'll be stronger than my bad habits ever were. I'll actually be very healthy, I'll feel great, and I'll look great, too. I get a little closer to this every day.

So I guess that's the end of my rant about irritating, unsupportive people.

I really want to get healthy and lose weight for myself, and also for my daughter and husband. I'm not doing any of us any favors by staying overweight and unhealthy. But I must admit, it is going to feel SO GOOD when I finally do get healthy and lose all this weight, when I bump into someone I haven't seen in a long time and I actually look and feel wonderful. I will just blow their minds. My body will be a loud "I TOLD YOU SO!" reminder that I really did get healthy, in spite of everything and everyone.

So today I shall be thankful for the people who DO support and encourage me. And I shall also go make myself a nice, healthy JUICE!! :)
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    We all take our own path, what works for one does not necessarily work for another. So ignore this "friend" and keep on doing what works for you.
    1856 days ago
    You're very right, no one knows me better than moi! I would be appreciative of concern if it were genuine. But in this example, and in many others, it's not real concern. They make snap judgements and assume they know the entire situation, yet haven't asked one question, haven't probed for any kind of information, etc. They just assume that what I'm doing is unhealthy and wrong.

    Thanks for the support, everyone! :)
    1859 days ago
    just stick with what is right for YOU. Try to be appreciative of other's concern for you, but don't let misguided statements make any difference in what you do. Nobody knows YOU better than you do, right?
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    1859 days ago
    You are on a good path to healthiness. Stay with it. If anyone doesn't understand or support you, don't let them pull you down. It sounds like your friends are worried you might become skinner then them. That is their problem. Plus they want you to follow their path to drinking. You made a good choice to stop drinking and live healthy. I don't know you, but it makes me very proud to know you are standing up for yourself, your healthy, and a change with how you life your life. Be you, not what they want or think you should be for them. That is not a friend. Don't worry about your social life right now. It will come. Just do what you know you have to, to be a healthier you. Congratulations! Be yourself not what others expect of you. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1859 days ago
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