My ongoing grief.

Friday, May 17, 2013

It's been 15 months since I lost my dad and it still hits me like a truck every day. Every day at some point I remember him and feel his absence. It's harder for me I think because I worked for him and my family and I have continued on with his business. I'm here every day doing his job and mine, my brothers doing his field work and theirs, so we're constantly reminded. Constantly. I still get calls for him every day and I still have to tell people he's passed away. It's like a knife to my heart to have to tell people. Customers are the hardest, because they all have memories they share. It helps to hear how loved he was by the community and we appreciate the loyalty his customers have shown our family, but it can be tough. I've had marketers call and ask for him and tell me they're returning his call. Obviously they're lying. They get the brunt of my frustration on those days.

I don't have a desire to "feel better". If I went a day without crying for him, I'd feel so guilty. He was such a HUGE part of my life. If I somehow got to a point of not thinking about him every day, I worry that I'd forget things. How could I just go on with my life and act like everything is ok? It isn't ok. It never will be again and I find that comforting.

As the business grows and we enjoy success it's hard for me to enjoy it, when all he knew was struggle.

My niece was just a few months old when he passed away and we saw the fear and sadness in his eyes when he realized he'd never see her grow up. It broke his heart to pieces. He cried out her name a few times and we knew that we was grieving that future. It does things to you, watching someone die. Things that are difficult to process, even now. I have no idea how we survived those weeks.

I found my notes from his time in the hospital yesterday. Mostly meds and test results, but things he said, things he wanted us to do or know. And my plans to change. I made a list of foods that didn't belong in our lives anymore. I stuck to it for a while, but they've all re-appeared. I need the reminders and his memory to push me forward.
Share This Post With Others
Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • PATTYR81
    2923 days ago
  • STRINGI719
    I am so sorry for your loss. I haven't experienced that, so I don't understand what you are going through. But if your dad was a believer like you are, then you know the huge celebration that happened in Heaven upon his arrival. He is in the actual presence of His creator, which is impossible to even imagine.

    You mentioned feeling guilty if a single day went by that you didn't cry for him. Would he have wanted that for you? Wouldn't he want you to keep living your life in the most amazing, world-changing way you possibly could? You also mentioned your niece, and the list of lifestyle changes you were going to make. Those are excellent ways to honor your father's memory. Do everything you can do to make sure your niece knows she is loved... kids can never have too many adults in their lives that love them, and since she's missing one, you can definitely make sure she feels it from you doubly. And he'd surely want you & your daughter to be healthy and live long, vibrant, healthy lives. Everytime you are tempted to make an unhealthy decision, please think of him and what choice would honor his memory.

    I think that with the double motivation of pleasing your Heavenly Father, and also your earthly father, who are both in Heaven together, you can definitely overcome all that life in this world is going to throw your way.
    2949 days ago
    I am sorry for your loss. I know how you feel. My father passed away 16 months ago and I go through pictures of him and my son and feel bad for my daughter that she will never get to meet her grandfather. I just have to feel some comfort that he at least knew she was coming. His passing was sudden and unexpected but it hurts just the same. Stay strong and hopefully our pain will become less as time moves on and where ever they are they are watching us with smiles upon their faces.
    2950 days ago
    Take your time on the grief issue no one can tell you when you should be done with it. It took me years, I don't think I finally really let go of my mom ever but I feel her warmth surrounding me at times & I do okay. There is a hole in your life now that your father is gone but build your hope of things eternal & hold onto God's hand. Once you give your grief pain & despair over to HIm daily, it lessens with time. Never gone completely.....

    God bless & keep you Dear.

    2950 days ago
  • ALICIA214
    I have lost a husband and two sons.. so believe me when I tell you that you will be
    able to cope with the loss of your beloved will take time because there are
    a lot of emotions to be experienced before you arrive at acceptance and then you will
    be able to look back on your life with your Dad with so many happy memories
    without tears.
    I hope this will help you with the grieving.. emoticon
    2950 days ago

    Comment edited on: 5/17/2013 3:28:47 PM
  • Add Your Comment to the Blog Post

    Log in to post a comment

    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.