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Summer Is NOT A Happy Time For Me

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

I must say off the top that I really dread summer every year. My hours become crazy and I get overwhelmed. I see between 30 and 40 people a week during the summer and work anywhere from 60 to 65 hours a week. I am not griping, really just stating facts. I love my clients and I love my job, but I find zero balance between work and health during the summer. It begins in May and goes until almost October.

I gave up my scale just over a couple weeks ago and have since fallen apart. My compulsion to binge has been out of control and I feel miserable. I am not sleeping and I am not feeding my body what it needs so I am run down and fatigued. All I want to do when I get done working is be still and quiet. I spend the whole day talking and interacting and ministering to people and by the end, I am completely wiped out. Today is my 13 year anniversary and I am thankful Jeff is at work until 11:30 because I have nothing left of myself to give him. We are supposed to do something this weekend so hopefully I will be more rested then.

I know I am putting on weight and I feel helpless to stop it. Like watching a car wreck in slow motion and there is nothing you can do but get out of the way. I am not really sure why getting rid of the scale has begun this cycle. Perhaps I am like the teenager who has found herself with no governing ruler for the first time ever. I pray that the cycle will come to an end very soon because I am sick and disgusted with myself. I have not behaved this way in over 2 years.

Please pray for me. I speak to God so much during the day. I know He has not forsaken me but He is silent. Something has got to give and it as got to be me. Submit, resist. That is the order but for some reason, I get up every day and surrender the day to him and then find myself falling apart at night. I have stopped most of my exercise and that is bad. I have had thoughts of laxatives the last couple days and simply fear crossing back into that territory. I have not used them for over a year.

Anyway, I am sick of myself. I am going to bed. Thanks for listening.
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    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1834 days ago
    I hear your despair. Your days sound as if they're pounding you. I understand that your work is your work but is there anything you can do to slow things down a little?

    As for why giving up the scale started the slide you're seeing/feeling, could it be as simple as losing the touchstone and "reward" for your good work? I know that many people say the scale is a negative measure, and I understand how it can be. However, for me, it's a way to keep myself on an even keel - I weigh every day, but don't get excited about little ups and downs - just aim for weekly maintenance or loss. When I don't weigh myself, I seem to lose track of where I am and what I'm doing - I lose one of my touchstones.

    I know that YOU know that God is still there. Sometimes when I've thought God was silent, it was because He'd already answered...or I was thinking too "loudly" or going too fast to hear that still, small Voice. In short, I guess in those times my priorities are out of whack. When I align them with my true values, things seem to slow down and I again can feel His care.

    I hope this doesn't sound like lecturing, Julie, because that's now how I mean any of this. I am sometimes where you are, my friend, and my heart goes out to you. You've taken such a positive step by sharing this. We're all here for you.
    emoticon Gail
    1834 days ago
    I am so sorry you're going through this. emoticon emoticon I know this sounds crazy, but I know this from experience. If there is any way you can jam in 5 or 10 minutes of exercise a few times a day, your energy level will increase & your stress level, along with any depression you may be feeling, will decrease.

    I'm praying today that God will show you opportunites for you to fit that in here & there to relieve some of the pressure you're feeling. Even if you could have 10 or 15 minute breaks between several of your appointments a day, that would help & allow you to breathe a bit.

    1835 days ago
    But Julie, you are not helpless to stop what is happening to you. It's all a choice. Everything that is going on in your life is a choice. You've made the decision to see so many clients yourself. You don't have to do that. You've made a choice to put their needs before your own. That is your choice. You don't have to do that. Honestly, that's not being fair to you, your family, nor your clients. When you crash, no one will be there for any of the folks that you are responsible to now. What a shame that will be! I KNOW these are tough words, but love is hard sometimes.

    I pray that you'll figure out how to manage what you want in life and what you think you want. Those sound to be different. You're sooooo worth the effort, Julie. And only you can do this hard work.

    emoticon emoticon
    1835 days ago
    Praying for you, sweet Julie.

    We often give things to God in the morning, and then take them back at night. The solution is to stop doing that...which is a very hard habit to break...but the more you try, the easier it gets.

    You CAN do this! emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1835 days ago
    I run a salon in my home. Thanks for praying for me. I am like an accountant during tax season. Working less is not an option, really. Gotta make hay while the sun shines.
    1835 days ago
    Can I ask what kind of a job you have that you work so many hours? Is it possible to cut back? Progress not perfection is what is helpful as we strive for a healthy balance. I said a prayer for you. God is always at your side. Blessings!
    1835 days ago
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