Binge free ?

Thursday, May 09, 2013

As I am working with my therapist, he has set me a challenge this week: to eat dinner prepared by my family and eat it with them. I haven’t had the occasion to do this yet. Partly because, I am still terrified, even if I know that a burger is not going to make me obese overnight and that I should trust myself and the lessons I learned to balance the next morning. Go for a run or have a salad. Still I am terrified.

My brother is visiting again and this is always a stressful time for me because it means having to eat together. I live with my mother at the moment and she has let me weigh my food, I count calories too (but she does not know). My counting calories is not obsessive actually, it is simply an app on my phone. I eat in the healthy range of 1400 calories. I count calories as part of maintaining my weight.

My mother also lets me have dinner in my bed in the evening. This is actually a very dangerous territory because when I binged in the past. It would be behind closed doors, watching a movie and gulping down food. This time it is not a binge per say because I only eat healthy food, within my calorie range. But there are emotions coming up, when it does I take a break, breathe; try to let the emotions surface. If I don’t I would binge.

Standing at the bus stop this morning, I realized that it has been a little less than two years that I have not binged. I cannot remember when I stopped. I just did. My father past away in 2011 and I moved in with my mother. Since I don’t think I binged. Living with her made me feel less lonely and bored in the evenings. But this was an unconscious transition now that I think about it.

After a few months of moving in, I asked her to help me with losing weight. We went to a dietitian, and instead of dieting we changed a lot of our eating habits. Since I have been experimenting with healthier recipies. Lots of veggies, tofu, lean meat etc…

So it has been a little less than two years. I have not gone overboard. So why am I so scared of food now.

I know that I can eat and not get fat.
I can exercise to balance it out.
I can try my best to feel emotions so that I wouldn’t revert to food (try I say)
I really just have to trust myself.

I am so scared of that a burger would send me overboard.

A little story for my sparkers

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • X5X52000
    1843 days ago
    I'm not sure why you are so scared. It's been two years since you have binged. You are eating within your calories. You are exercising. You are choosing healthy food options. All of these things should give you confidence! Each and every one of them are a sign of a successful journey and an extremely successful person!
    1866 days ago
    Two years is a very long time. You are very strong!

    1867 days ago
  • CAMAEL100
    You have done great getting to nearly two years. Is it the burger that bothers you? If so I would plan a different meal. I bet you could make something that would be a compromise. Doesn't have to be low calorie, just something you are comfortable with. Eating normally doesn't mean you have to be able to eat everything. There can be things that you chose not to eat and that doesn't mean you have any problems around food.

    You have come so far, it is fantastic. Try to relax and enjoy the meal and the company which is the most important thing.
    1868 days ago
  • KANOE10
    You have developed strong habits in the last two years! Wonderful that you have not binged. Yes, we still have lingering fears that eating certain foods will trigger you back to bingeing. You can do it.

    1869 days ago
    The power is IN YOU! You've put distance between your old habits and the healthier lifestyle and you've done a wonderful job. You've built a support system and routine that's putting action behind your goals. Believe in yourself. Your Spark Buds do! emoticon emoticon
    1870 days ago
    That is great that you have not binged for such a long time!

    Is it in particular a burger you're worried about? Could you maybe ask, in that case, to eat something else?
    Of course, I'm not in your shoes and I don't know all the background, but I'm thinking that indeed eating dinner alone in your bed may not be the best way. In order to 'normalize' your eating it maybe a good idea to eat with others, or maybe just at a table in your room rather than 'in bed'?
    1870 days ago
    I'm glad you are going to a professional regarding your eating habits. I did too, it was the hardest thing I ever did. It helped me to realize where are the trigger points.

    Sounds like you are doing a great job! Keep it up!
    1870 days ago
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    1870 days ago
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