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The Just of it All

Wednesday, May 08, 2013

I am a disordered eater. I suffer from poor body image. I have dealt with scale obsession. I have spring-boarded back and forth from intuitive eating to restrictive eating (I use the term restrictive loosely because as I have learned over time there are MANY forms of it be it restricting calories or ONLY eating certain foods based off of what a book or guru says is best). I have reached a crossroads in my life and I feel like I am on the verge of a breakthrough. A big one.

I have reached that point in my life I am ready to step away from certain mentalities. It is no secret I have gone rounds with frustration over the last two years as I have tried to reach my post pregnancy goals. I have tried not to fixate on the numbers and the scale, but ultimately find myself there. I have been angry, sad, frustrated, irritated, mentally beat down because I have not been able to reach that ULTIMATE GOAL.

I certainly have not sat around waiting for it to happen. I have worked very hard. I have tried a lot of different things, I have set goals, I have plundered my way through a lot. I keep coming out on the other end disappointed, constantly disappointed.

I have realized, I am not focusing on the right things. I am not looking at the positive things in my life. I am not realizing that I can get up every morning at 5am when everyone else is asleep and bust a major sweat lifting heavy things. I am not focusing on the fact that I have a true enjoyment for eating *mostly* healthy foods, that I allow the treats, but only rarely. I am not focusing on the fact that every day of my life I wake up and work my best to be a good mom to a spectrum of ages with my kids (I do have the spectrum -- teenager to toddler). I am not focusing on the fact that I am doing my best to be a support system to my grandparents as I watch my grandma progress deeper and deeper into Alzheimer's and my grandpa's deep sadness as he loses his partner more and more every day. I am not focusing on the fact that I am damn lucky to have such a freaking wonderful husband who, bless his heart, does his best to boost up my morale as it sags daily because I can't keep up to the mental image I have of myself but knowing he keeps me on a pedestal. Most important, I am not focused on the most important thing of all: my health. I am so lucky to be a healthy person who can get up, lift heavy things, eat the food, be a support, be a mom be a wife.

But rather, what AM I focused on? The fact that I haven't reached my Ultimate Goal.

Reality check, hello!

Life is too effing short to be so fixated on the shallow things. For one, I have lost over 9 inches since January but I undermine that based off of the fact that the scale hasn't changed or my jeans size is still the same. Life is too short not to enjoy the beer with the basketball game or the glass of wine with a hot bath. Life is too short to stress out over things that I obviously have no control over. I am sacrificing my self worth. Working to attain a certain image that I think I should be. Being irritable and cranky and hating myself because of things that, really in the long run, don't matter.

Here are the facts: I am healthy. I am getting stronger. I am physically very fit. What I want is this: I want to be able to take my mindset off of the external and place it on the internal. Focusing on the love of being a stronger version of myself. Focusing on my love of being in my kitchen and fixing foods that will strengthen and nourish not only me, but the family I love so much. Being a good asset not only to my family but myself and not placing my self worth on superficial things like how good a pair of jeans fit me or if they're a certain size or if my scale says a certain number or if I remain at a 25% bodyfat.

My goals are changing. I am evolving. My focus now is to lift the things, eat the food and love myself.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Love ya!
    1806 days ago
    This blog brings such joy to me, such inspiration you are giving. As usual you teach me so much. Those inches lost are AMAZING! I am so proud of you for working so hard on yourself. Just love you to pieces girlfriend. emoticon emoticon
    1809 days ago
    What a wonderful attitude focus on what is right !
    1812 days ago
    Yes, you are right. I agree with you.
    Becoming aware of some of the very sad aspects of life is a wake-up call to live each day to the fullest and appreciate each moment.

    1812 days ago

    Comment edited on: 5/10/2013 9:12:33 AM
    Good for you! It's can be so hard to focus on the positive.
    1813 days ago
    emoticon Great blog!!! You have such a great attitude, and I love that you are making these changes so that you can focus on your awesomeness and not your jean size. emoticon
    1813 days ago
    Take pictures and chillax.

    Also, you might love www.niashanks.com. I'm a little crazy about her lately.
    1813 days ago
  • JUSTME29
    Definitely better to focus on what is right in your world than what is wrong. That is something that I struggle with daily.
    1813 days ago
  • SINGER73
    AMEN to that sister emoticon
    1813 days ago
    I love ur blog !!! Cos it's one we ALL NEED to focus on,, "What's IMPORTANT in LIFE to ME"? That's what life is REALLY about,, as you said,, NOT what a BMI or SCALE says, though of course in 'the long run" those are "things" ,, notice "THINGS" we work towards. What REALLY mattahs, YOU HAVE !!! I am now living alone,,,, the kids are all grown,, the grands,,, are now (LOL I THINK???) also now grown and about on their own?????? HOW BADLY I WANTED THIS. I WANTED some time "for me". But now that's here, do I REALLY??????

    You HAVE such a PRECIOUS time in life,,, take a step back,,, and FOCUS on that. the weight IS changing !!!! U URSELF SAID IT !!! The INCHES ! When I was brand new on SPARKS I read a blog from a fellow SPARKER who said about herself (has been the ONLY ONE and I've been on for 3 or 4 yrs?) of how her of how her body would NOT lose "LBs" but, DID Inches,,,, and ovah time,,, she was so BEATUIFUL it was soo neat cos she posted pics also. Was sooo cool. So please HANG IN !! IT DOES WORK !! And You ARE WORKING IT ! Please do NOT be discouraged. U ARE doing THIS !!!

    :) Diane, Challenge Leader, Spirited Under Dawgs,,,,,,
    1813 days ago
    A cry from the heart, and one which I appreciate. It's taken me 60 years to get to where you are now! Life is for living and enjoying, and also to help your family enjoy their lives, which they don't when we're obsessing, and cranky and horrid.
    1813 days ago
    emoticon emoticon Good attitude towards the rest of your journey. emoticon
    1813 days ago
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