Attempt # 1,656,856

Here I am again saying I'm going to lose weight. Some how the magic has left me and I can't seem to get it back. My 55 lb weight loss of '09 has become the weight debacle of '13. I have gained 7 lbs of it back and I just seem to be going up. I am ashamed and ultimately scared about where my health is going. I told myself I wasn't going to go back to what I was but it's where I'm headed.

I'm angry! How can I not remember how unhappy I was? How can I not remember how much I hated being overweight. Yet, here I am overweight again. I'm five pounds overweight and not happy one bit.

I have gone back to yelling at myself again. Calling myself a fat cow. That's always a great way to start the day.

The only good news I can leave for today is that I went out to lunch today and stayed in my calorie range. It's my bosses b-day and the office always goes somewhere to celebrate. We ended up at Chilis where I panicked over the menu for about ten minutes. I wrestled with what I was going to eat. Was I going to choose the healthy option and feel deprived? Or was I going to eat something bad for me and feel horrible the rest of the day?

Congrats to me I ate the lighter choice!!!

It feels good to come back from lunch not feeling stuffed to the breaking point. And I also feel proud of myself for saying no to the bad choices. If only I could bottle up how I feel right now to help me make better choices later. If I could remember how I feel this moment I would never eat horribly again.