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Every now and then I get like this.

Wednesday, May 01, 2013

My husband is driving me crazy this week. He's an avid car fan, to the extent that he rebuilds his own. There's a club and meetings and shows and events. He loves it. He didn't for a while back when we were dating, but after a little more car searching and a renewed interest in the same project he is back with a vengeance. I admire his dedication to the project and really am happy to see the look of pride when he's accomplished one more task on the car. He's been talking nonstop about the car and the events we will attend when it's finished. We have such an event this weekend too; he has multiple cars and so we'll take a non-project car. He was so excited that he has stretched the Saturday event into a Friday afternoon to Sunday afternoon event. In his excitement he invited our non car friends, spread the word to family, and arranged everything, but never asked me.

This is another thing I do love and admire about my husband despite my now complaining. He is passionate and enthusiastic and always wants to spend time with me. We don't really have our own separate things and as a result he assumes when he is excited I am too. This brings me to my reflection of the evening...

At a very earlier age I realized that when I anticipated something, it never met my expectations in reality. So whenever I felt really excited or had high expectations for something, I would imagine it being "just okay". This left me feeling more satisfied when the day actually came. In hindsight it's a little sad. I think I developed an overwhelming sense of negativity in doing this as a child. I've done this my entire life, including graduations, parties, and - yes - even my wedding.

At this point, I feel like I don't get excited about anything anymore. I get panicky or concerned or work up, but never just plain excited. And so as I watch my husband come running in from the garage covered in grease thrilled that the engine ran, I can't help but feel a tinge of guilt because I don't know how to be excited. And when he plans our weekend and is so excited that he can't see my lack of excitement it only makes me feel... broken, for lack of a better word.

I need to find my excitement.

To be continued...
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I keep my expectations low for certain things, too, as I have been disappointed in the past. The one thing that I get really excited for lately is traveling. You'll find your passion. Keep looking.
    1878 days ago
    Yes, it does sound like it would make you sad. I wonder if it would do you good to take a real retreat, you know, a time to separate yourself from the everyday, the stresses, challenges, pressures, and do whatever kind of meditation and reflection works best for you -- walks in the woods, prayer, yoga, running along a beach, or writing in a blank journal with no one to look over your shoulder or to grade you. Just to give yourself time to open up, to get through the automatic responses or what you think you ought to think, and just try to discover honestly, what DO I CARE about?
    A change of scenery and a chance to think about what you are really looking for... is it to be excited... then think about planning an adventure doing something you haven't done before, or doing something you have done and enjoyed before, but intensely taking that to another level?
    Maybe you aren't of the same emotional bubbly-ness as your husband, but what is it that makes you glow inside, or which makes you feel like singing or dancing or like sharing with others? Maybe then you'll find something that will excite you in your own way.
    food luck.
    1878 days ago
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