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Wednesday, May 01, 2013

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross lists five stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and finally Acceptance. I have been yearning to get to this final stage of Acceptance, thinking then the grieving would end, even while knowing full well the grieving after my Du is gone will be thousands times worse. Kubler-Ross states: "Your grief is as unique as you are." So I know even if I can get to the the acceptance stage, I will still feel very sad. But perhaps it will get easier? That is my hope.

I absolutely love the comments I get here. I tried to reply to many of you, but became overwhelmed with emotions yesterday, so I stopped. But I hope you know how much it means to me to have your prayers, your concern, your good thoughts, and your friendship.

Someone told me here, that I was actually blessed to be given the opportunity to recognize how precious each day with my dear sweet husband is. Some people don't get that chance, to really appreciate that special person in their lives. When you live with someone for so long (42 years for us), you start to take them for granted and assume that they will always be there. Little habits they have can irritate you and once in a while you might be short with them in your resentment of something they have done which you consider to be inappropriate. When you find out that your time together is limited, the person and the relationship becomes so much dearer. All the petty irritation and annoyances disappear. You have a chance to remember why you married this person and spent your life with him. You get to look at him in that way you did when you first fell in love, only now it's so much deeper. There is NO LOVE like a love you have developed and has grown over a lifetime.

A few years ago I woke up to a report on the TV that someone whose name I thought I recognized had been killed in a car accident, along with two of her four sons. Then I decided I hadn't heard it right, and thought to myself, "I should call her husband, tell him what I misheard and tell him to hug his wife extra tightly tonight, since it wasn't her after all." But then I found out it WAS her and I was devastated. We were never close friends, only acquaintances, but her death and the death of two of her young boys was horrific, it was difficult to even imagine the grief that husband and the two remaining sons (one of whom had some major difficulties resulting from his injuries in the crash) were enduring. It bothered me a lot, and I thought often of the remaining family members. Over the years I would hear stories of them, from others and always wondered how they were coping. That husband did not get the chance I wanted to give him, to hug his wife, to realize how special his life with her was, to appreciate his young sons, and they were suddenly ripped from his life forever.

I do have that let Du know with my words, my actions, and my love just how important he is to me and how much I have loved our life together. As someone else here suggested, "Don't let any words of love go unspoken." That is my goal.

Acceptance....maybe I'm getting there.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    What Cannie 50 said is true. Acceptance is accepting reality and moving on. And you are accepting the reality, painful as it is and moving on to make the time left to you all the sweeter for the knowing. Sad as it is its put things into perspective for you as to what is important and what is not and you will have precious memories built of this time with your DH to hold onto in the future. The grief you are experiencing and accepting now is awful, and it is preparing you for what is to come, something not all of us get a chance to have, plus its giving you time to share all your feeling of love and everything you want to say and do with DH before the time is up. Again many of us do not have that forwarning and forget after awhile that it could happen at any second. Your blogging has brought a new awareness of that to me and I am grateful that it happened in time for me too, to make sure I love my DH enough so that if, God Forbid! I lost him in the next few seconds he would die knowing how much I love him and how precious his love is to me. You are doing so great with this. Take some time also to think ahead and have things ready so you will be able to carry on well when the time comes. I know that will ease your DH's mind and time of passing as he is surely concerned for you and how you will cope in that time. Ask yourself what you would want to know was taken care of if the situation was switched and see that that is attended to for your DH's sake and your own. The better the future is planned for, the easier it will be for you as at that time you will be deeply in grief and probably not so up to handling decisions and changes at that time. A woman like you is a precious thing, and you deserve to have things in place for you at your time of need!
    IKacey co-leader of the Grandmothers Fitness Club
    1875 days ago
    Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us during this difficult time. I will do better sharing my love with my husband. Thank you for the reminder. I pray that God will grant you the strength to endure the road ahead. God bless you.
    1877 days ago
    You words are so true. A diagnosis like this puts everything into perspective. We very quickly learn what is truly important in life and what is not. Small things that previously irked us no longer matter. Every day becomes a gift and spending time with our loved ones is more precious than anything else.

    Bless you both. You remain in my prayers.

    1877 days ago
    It amazes me daily that I had stumbled upon a web site to help me with my life long struggles of losing weight and getting healthly, but SP has become SO MUCH more than that to so many of us. As we return to our SP pages, track our food and exercise, we rekindle our desire to help our SP friends through their journey, as you have with so many of us. As you continue to "spark" in maintenance your role has shifted - at least for me - I have read your blogs - used many as a source of inspiration to get me closer to maintenance. But now, I find that you are teaching me about life not just weight loss in such a profound way. As I return turn your SP page daily I send abundanct hugs your way along with my gratitude that even as you struggle with emotion you still find the time, dedication, compassion to share your wisdom and insight with us. Peace my friend...
    1877 days ago
  • KITT52
    prayers for you both
    1877 days ago
    Well said. Each day you will have blessings, but there will also be some sorrows, but with all of them you will always have your memories of all the years you do have together.
    1878 days ago
  • CANNIE50
    I like the definition of acceptance as "acknowledging reality and moving forward from there" rather than the traditional way we think of acceptance, as if it means we will be fine with whatever has gone on. I think you are doing a wonderful job of acknowledging reality and using this time beautifully and lovingly.
    1878 days ago

    Comment edited on: 5/2/2013 12:41:58 AM
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    1878 days ago
    Beautiful blog. And I don't think any of the wonderful people here on SP expect you to respond to each blog. I know I don't. Spend that time making your life memories with Du. We care about you and you have done so much for us. It is nice to hear that your SP friends are a help to you now. Just saying it in your blog is enough.
    1878 days ago
    Wonderful blog. Thank you for sharing. We are all here to support you.

    1878 days ago
    I agree with what others have said...acceptance is a long time off, but thank you for the reminder to appreciate our spouses or partners NOW, and everyone else, too. I hope that you and Du have many more years together, regardless of what the statistics say.
    1878 days ago
    I was deeply moved by your blog.It is so easy to just take each other for granted,especially after being married for many years.No one knows how long we have on this earth and you have reminded me that every day is a gift.I am wishing you and Du many happy and precious moments together.
    emoticon emoticon
    1878 days ago
    Thank you for this blog emoticon
    1878 days ago
    Love your photo and love your caring loving attitude and yes we need to realize that any time we have here on earth is a gift of Gods and we need to truly cherish those in our lives. Thanks so much for opening yourself up to us. emoticon
    1878 days ago
    Thanks for this beautiful blog. Your wisdom shines bright. Anyone who reads this blog must be deeply touched. I don't have the words to say what I want to express, but thank you sincerely. May peace, as well as acceptance, be with you. -Marsha
    1878 days ago
  • KAREN608
    In life, it is best to be kind, everyday, esp. to spouses, because the minor irritations don't mean anything in the long run. My DH is 71, very overweight yet seems healthy, but we never know what the next moment will bring, like that accident you mentioned. So I bite my tongue when I want to say something biting, I know it just isn't worth it. I get better results being kind and loving with everyone I come in contact with. Praying for many good days for you both.
    1878 days ago
    Well said my dear SPriend.
    1878 days ago
  • LINDAK25
    While it's easy to list the stages of grief you have to remember that it's a process that you will go through over time. Just take each day as it comes. Some days will be calm and peaceful, some days fraught with pain. Love and joy are always possible no matter where your journey takes you.
    1878 days ago
    It's a continuum. It will take a long time, while you still are together, and afterwards. But you've embarked on this path with an open heart and you will get through.
    1878 days ago
    Kubler-Ross's stages of grief are a winding rollercoaster, not a straight path. You will move between the stages as time goes on, and in varying degrees from time to time. Focus on today, the moment, and make the most of it.
    1878 days ago
  • KERRYG155
    It's way too early for you to find a real acceptance of what you guys have been handed. I can't imagine how long the entire process takes but hopefully you can get through the anger stage and be able to enjoy the time together. emoticon
    1878 days ago
    It will be a long slow process to acceptance with a few steps backward along the way.
    Each day will present it's own challenges, much the same as it always has. But the focus will be different. Please know that you are never alone. No need to reply. I know you have
    more important things on your mind. I will feel the love without the words. HUGS!
    1878 days ago
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