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Blog the RAGE, Don't feed it

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

OK. I have just finished sending off and emotional e-mail to my insurance carrier, who has lost our papers and is threatening to raise our rates and reduce our coverage if they can not locate the information, which includes health screenings. UUUURRRRGGGG!!! This kind of crap just stresses me out! I have a horrible time sleeping while all of these bits get sorted out. I have a constant level of anxiety that makes me edgy and cross. I grind my teeth and clench my jaws so tightly that my dental health is at risk. I already sleep with a mouth guard, for pity's sake.

It's the threats that get to me. If you don't then we will.... I already jumped through all of your hoops, and now you lost the hooperage? I hate the loss of control. I did it, you HAVE to find it! It is your job. YOUR job. Am I the only person who is accountable for their job performance?

The underlying accusation in the letter that I am trying to skip out and default on my commitment to the plan I chose, which had all of the hoops to hop.

I hate them. I hate the way they make me feel. I feel powerless and accused. I feel like a person accused of murder with out an alibi. Proof that they have lost. I KNEW they were going to screw this up. They have screwed up every claim and bill that has ever been in their obligation to send or fulfill. Their lack of accountability has cost me hundreds of hours fixing their incompetence. Forcing them to pay the amounts they are obligated for. They make sure they get their money ahead of me, from my own paycheck.

The fear and worry that comes with each procedure, and the certainty that the billing will be screwed up. I am treated like a piece of rotted annoyance ruining their day when I call and point out their shortcomings. On two different occasions I had to get a lawyer before they would get it all sorted, and then they were ever so polite. I hate them... They make me feel small and stupid. I am their customer, but they act as if they wish I weren't . Maybe they wish that because I use the benefits that demand they pay. They want my money, and want me to not apply.

I understand that. Logically, that makes sense. Emotionally, they have raped and pillaged my faith and security. I believed that having insurance would be a blessing , a safety- net that would minimize my worries while having medical stuff done to me and my family. They make the medical stuff look like a cake walk. Medical stuff, one to three days. Billing and payments- two years; every Monday a new problem to fix on the phone before work.

I have stuffed the rage and hatred so much that I am full of self loathing. I hate them and I hate myself for letting them drive me with fear. I eat to feel better, and I just get fatter and more angry and hate-filled. So, to end this self-medicating with overeating and trying to feel good, I am blogging. Is this better? Well, it is lower in calories, and easier on my poor teeth.

How do I feel? Fat, and close to tears. I feel so attacked, but hey... nothing personal- this is just business... so... Why does this feel so personal? I am not the only one being screwed by them. Hey! Misery really does love company! How do I keep this in the business sector of my life? My life. I take my life very personally. So, it is personal to me. But only to me. Now I feel deflated and stupid that I take everything so personally.

I believe that this will eventually get sorted out, and probably with a lot of work on my part. OK. I resent having to do their work. Oh - I resent the added work. OK. Hire a lawyer... I'm too cheap. Hire a personal assistant. I am too poor. So, I can either fix it, or suffer the consequences. Can't afford the consequences, so I have to stay on top of it. Oops. Back to where I started... Whining, why do I have to do everyone's job for them? Because it is your life, Sherry b. Do your life thin, or fat but it is still your life.

OK. I choose to do this because I need and want it done right. I choose to blog instead of pound food into my face thinking it will comfort me. There is no comfort from eating over this problem, ...Oh, I know the answer to this one! Food is not the answer if hunger is not the problem! I feel thinner already.

Uht Oh. Now, I want to punish someone. I first attack them, then I turn on myself. I feel my eyes squinting in anger and going into punishment mode. I eat horrific amounts in punishment mode. I am angry they lost my papers, and sent me a hate triggering letter, and now I hate myself for letting this upset me so much that I am blogging and sounding so fuddled, like a blithering idiot. Just deal with it, it is a part of life.

I hate that voice inside of me that is so superior and condescending to my emotional upheavals. That voice is me, mocking my feelings. Belittling me for being so unstable. I really need to reconcile the logical and the emotional parts of me. Balance.

Yes, I am seeking balance. Oh. I now have a goal. Seek balance. Smooth out the emotional turmoil and the logical pitiless-ness. Compassion and understanding without binge habits. Through better health will come weight-loss. Through better mental and physical health will come weight-loss. Mental health is key to physical health.

Mental health is logical and emotional aspects. Good. I feel a lot better, so to celebrate my feeling good. Again, food is not the answer. Used to be, but not anymore. Not today. Get a good nights sleep and get up early enough to do some exercise. Find the feel good feeling without food.
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