Needing A Better Tomorrow

Monday, April 29, 2013

With the exception of some abrupt family shenanigans, today has been the epitome of lethargy. It's been something I have been craving after several long weeks of work and work that wasn't job-related. Yet it has left me feeling absolutely disgusting.

When I was at my low before starting this journey, a majority of my life was wallowing in laziness. Most days I wouldn't have the energy and/or willpower to get dressed or even leave my computer chair. Maybe it was because I ate poorly and never exercised, or maybe it was a psychological state of depression and dealing with a failing marriage and a spouse that degraded me to nothing. Most likely it was both coupled with something else deep inside of me. Regardless, I never had control over it. It took the major life upheaval of everything changing to get me to actually get up and make a change.

Today, I feel like there has been no change at all. It feels like I'm that same person, incapable of overcoming the laziness, the self-loathing. I feel so powerless, so far off the rails I can't get back on again. Yet I hate myself, because I can't fathom it. As far as I'm concerned, I should be able to do this. I don't understand how I can sit in my room all day, wanted to be something better, and just not being able to will myself up and out. My mind screams, "Get up! Do something! It's not that hard, you've come this far, haven't you?" Yet here my body is, still sitting at the end of a wasted day. It makes me feel like a failure.

I want tomorrow to be my first day back on track. I want to get back down into the 180s, go to the grocery store for the first time in nearly a month and start eating better again. More importantly I want to feel invigorated, motivated, inspired, in control! I want to make progress again - in terms of my body, my finances, and my life. I want to be that person again, the one who did so well and was happy and wasn't a slave to this laziness. It's terrifying, because I'm afraid I don't have what it takes to get back on track by myself.

At this point all I can do is allow myself to have this lazy day and get it out of my system (whether I feel good about it or not), and hope that whatever got me started on that journey all those months ago decides to make an appearance in the morning and help me out.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • KELAN5
    You can do it, Jordan! I've been there. Go over your affirmations, reach out to your community, and stick to your great plan! Today is just getting started, so you still have time to turn it around. You can do it!!! emoticon
    1846 days ago
  • KIMPY225
    You have done a great job so far and you have done so much to better yourself. Just because you aren't feeling too great today doesn't mean tomorrow will bring the same feelings for you. I don't think you need to Start Over - maybe you need to come up with some different ways to get to the same end result. Maybe you can schedule some exercise or schedule a trip to the food store to get healthy food.
    I know you have what it takes to keep moving forward. You may not be able to take the exact same path you did before, but I know you have what it takes to create a new path for yourself. Keep pushing forward. Take a minute to sit and write down what you want to accomplish. Even if you can't accomplish it all today, I know you can do it!
    1846 days ago
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