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Confessions: Why I am Obese.

Sunday, April 28, 2013

There are many excuses as to why people are fat, but none apply to me. I can't even pretend that they do. I do not have a thyroid problem, or a general hormone problem. I am not immobile in that I cannot move or exercise. I am actually quite good at exercise although I have been in better shape then I am now. My heart doesn't beat loudly in my chest and my lungs don't burn. It is my muscles that make it hard for me right now, but even those I am quickly retraining and restretching to be better. In a matter of a few short weeks I am nearly back to normal on that. I don't have a job where I sit at a desk all day long, but I do sit too much of my own accord.

I am obese. I am obese because I have a problem with food. I like it. I like eating it even when I'm not hungry. Maybe I started as a bored eater. I'm not really an emotional eater. But I am definitely a bored eater. I have triggers, mainly when I am watching television or I have to go out and suddenly I start craving fast food. My triggers are very powerful and even now as I sit here writing this my stomach is full of afternoon tv-watching food. Granted, it is mostly baby carrots, raspberries, and dry Multigrain Cheerios, but it is full none-the-less.

I am also a coffee drinker and I do prefer vanilla creamer in my coffee, though it isn't necessary. I have always liked the non-fat version of it, though. Even though I only usually drink two or three cups through the entire day, and usually just in the morning, days like today trigger a coffee binge. Slightly chilly and overcast, lazy Sundays trigger it.

The bottom line is that I am obese because I eat too much and all the time. I do not move enough, but I do move and when I move, I do it well. Movement is maybe 20% my problem. I eat. That is the other 80%. I love food.

I love flavors and textures and I cannot get enough of them. When I watch tv I need something in my hands or in my mouth and food is ever so convenient. I do not knit or sew or scrapbook. I do not draw, though I much prefer it to the other things mentioned. I sit and watch a show, then I get up and do other things. I cannot multitask in that way, but I can put delicious food in my mouth.

Then, on the bad days, come afternoon-time when I feel like I shouldn't be filling my stomach past it's rightly proportions, it is too late and my stomach is too full to exercise without feeling like vomiting.

I have a problem with food.

Weight Watchers is helping me manage my food intake and some weeks it goes very well! Some weeks it doesn't. What I am hoping is that over time I will adjust to a healthier diet. It is a slow process. But so far, I don't think I am doing very well. I still have uncontrollable cravings for something in my mouth. I still have guilt when I do eat.

I have an unhealthy relationship with food and I don't know if it is possible to overcome it. I am at a loss. But if I stay this way, losing 114 pounds is going to be ridiculously hard and what happens if I succeed. Then do I spend the rest of my life logging in points or calories so that I don't get fat again because I never was able to overcome my unhealthy obsession with food.

It scares me.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    So for me, I had to admit that I have an unhealthy relationship with food also. The only time in my life I was ever thin was when I was bulimic; so I was thin but not healthy, now I'm obese and not healthy. It all comes down to my relationship with food. That was a huge thing for me to understand and recognize. I am an emotional eater but, more than that, I am a compulsive eater: I eat when I'm bored, I eat when I'm happy, I eat when I'm sad, I eat just to eat because something smells good or I get a craving. I eat for many reasons other than being hungry. For me, the phrase or the realization I had to come to was that I am a food addict. I'm a junkie. And just like any other addict, yes, those trigger foods will probably always be trigger foods and yes, for the rest of my life I will have to understand and monitor my relationship with food.
    My father is an alcoholic and brought all the ugliness and toxicity that addiction brings into a house. For me addiction is a very ugly thing. I didn't want to be that. I was better than that. But I would never say to my father, who is sober now, sure, you can have a drink. I'm sure you would be able to stop with just one or two. Because he can't stop. He won't be able to. he won't ever be able to.
    I may not, and you may not, always have to count calories or points. you may not always have to track your food. But you will always have to be mindful of the relationship you have with food and the effect it has on you.
    Now this is what worked for me. It was extremely hard for me to admit this to myself, like I said. And it may not be what works for you but I think you are on the right track. Don't give up. emoticon
    1822 days ago
    I have read through the responses that you've received and I know I can't add anything to what they've written only to say that so much of what you've wrote is also my experience. I wish to have and ah ha moment but it eludes me, all I can say is that I've have committed to this journey and even if I have to weigh and count calories for the rest of my life I prefer to do that than re-gain the 60 lbs that I have already lost. At present I am struggling and trying everything that I know of to re-vamp my enthusiasm to try to reach my goal weight so far I'm not successful but still holding on. Hopefully one day you will come upon something or someone or some scenario that will lead you into the place that you want to be all the best to you and thank you for being so honest. All the best. emoticon

    1822 days ago
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1822 days ago
    emoticon I just want to let you know that I used to resembe nearly everything you wrote about. I recently read something that says you can't outrun a bad diet or overeating. I won't give you any magical tips or pointers, as I'm sure you'd heard them all from Weight Watchers. I don't know what happened to me, but it all finally came together for me toward the end of last year. I "just knew" that it was time. Now, I have had Multiple Sclerosis (MS) for 15 years and the recently accumulating disability had me more determined than ever to do what I can to halt this MonSter in any way I can.

    I know those kind of "a-ha" moments don't happen for everyone and it certainly does not mean that I never indulge or overeat or make poor choices. It does mean that, rather than let those "slip-ups" defeat me and let them turn into day-long, week-long, month-long, or year(s)-long "slip-ups," I now ackowledge where I went wrong and re-committ myself to moving foward in a healthy way.

    This will sound cliche, but it is true that admitting the issue is a great foundation for making real, lasting changing. Thank you for sharing so openly and honestly.

    1822 days ago
    emoticon emoticon when you want to eat and are not hungry try walking or reading .Any activity to keep you from eating. I had the same problem and now that I have taught myself to eat healthy I do not over eat anymore.
    1822 days ago
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