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What the Heck Happened to Me?

Friday, April 26, 2013

June – July 2012 – The Beginning

For anyone who may have been wondering if I just dropped off the earth, well it sure feels like it. However, life sometimes takes some unexpected turns and we just have to travel with the flow. So here I am, still around and trying so desperately to get myself back into enjoying my Sparking time. Although I have been logging on daily, spinning the wheel, logging my food intake and my exercise time, I haven’t found time at all for reading all the blogs that my Spark Friends have been writing or writing down anything about myself. I really didn’t know where to start so I have been putting off writing a blog for weeks or maybe months. I’m not sure anymore. I’ve tried to write so many times but I always stop because I just haven’t been able to concentrate. I looked at my Sparkpage, which I hadn’t checked for months and saw that I haven’t written a blog since July 4, 2012. That seems right; it’s about the time that life just started spinning out of control.
I had found out in June that my daughter, son-in law and my 2 grandkids needed a place to stay for about 3 ½ to 4 months while their new home was being completed. So I spent a month cleaning out 2 bedrooms for them to stay in. I took loads & loads of stuff to our travel trailer that’s parked in a storage yard & also filled up our dining room with boxes & more stuff. They arrived here July 13 (I originally thought I had till the end of the month). The daily goings on was tough sometimes, of course, but I tried very hard to stay quiet on most things because I really enjoyed having the kids here.

July – Aug. 2012 – Settling In

It took awhile but we all started settling in for the long haul, while they were waiting for their newly purchased home to be completed by the builder in a town about 45 minutes from here. Although there were many challenging days, for the most part I really enjoyed having the grandkids here & I did have so much fun with them. Kids just have a way of bringing the laughter out and making everything so much better. My husband suddenly started working longer hours & didn’t get home until very late. Both days & evenings got very busy around the home that I was so used to having to myself. But I wanted my grandkids to feel at home & comfortable so I just decided to go with the flow & enjoy. It all seemed to be working out pretty good.

Aug – Sept. - Vacation Time

At the end of August, my hubby & I left for a 12 day vacation. We did have the opportunity to leave our dogs home in care of family so that alone saved us tons in boarding fees. It was also nice to have someone here to water the plants & bring in the mail.
Our vacation was Wonderful! We flew from Calif. to Miami, & the next day left for an 8 day Southern Caribbean Cruise stopping at Ports in Grand Turk (our 2nd visit there), Dominican Republic, Curacao & Aruba. We got in a lot of touring and beach visits along with much exercising along the way. Even the days on the ship were filled with fun. It’s so nice being pampered all the time. What a life! After the cruise we stayed 3 more days in Miami, soaking up the sun & snorkeling. I just love snorkeling. It’s like a whole new world under the water. So much to see, tons of beautiful fish, crabs, shells, etc. I could spend all day long doing that fun sport.

Sept. - Oct. - Home, Family Crises & Spark Anniversary #2

But vacations come to an end & then its back home to the same ole. Not so bad since I got to come home to my beautiful granddaughters & my little doggies. I did gain about 5 lbs during the vacation so when October 11, 2012, my 2 year Spark Anniversary rolled around & I didn’t really seem to have any reason to celebrate. In fact I was pretty disappointed in myself for not losing any weight all year long & then gaining during vacation. It also has been so hard to get into any type of exercise routine going with a house full of family, and so much stuff everywhere. Also, after we got back from vacation, it seemed like my husband took to daily complaining & nagging them about one thing or another that they were doing wrong. It was always about the noise, or not cleaning the kitchen or their stuff left lying around or something. One night in late October my husband & I were out until pretty late and when we got home there was no one around. My family, their bedding, and most of their clothes were gone. The next day when I called my daughter, she said they were so sick of his comments & rudeness and that they didn’t want the kids around his negativity any longer. For the next 3 weeks my daughter and her family had to sleep at his Mom’s & her step mothers until their new home finally closed and they could move in. My husband is not my daughter’s father & he has never had children of his own. He also is loud, blunt, and has a huge ego that goes along with his over aggressive personality. My Son in law is pretty easy going, but my daughter really can’t stand my hubby and finally had enough. I won’t go into all the details but I don’t think I can ever forgive & forget what damage he’s caused my family and me over this act.

Nov. - The Unforgettable Month

November is normally a busy month but this year it has been unbelievable. First was my B-Day on Nov. 8th. My husband did take me out for a nice dinner & tried to make it a nice time. But I was still upset about his lack of compassion so I really wasn’t into it this year.
A couple of weeks later on Nov.15th, which happens to be my daughters B-Day, I received a call from my sister, that my 86 year old Mom had fallen while at the hair salon, and was taken to the hospital with a broken shoulder. After a few days, she was transferred to a convalescent hospital to recuperate and get some physical therapy. Two weeks later just 4 days after Thanksgiving my Mom suddenly passed away while in the hospital. Of course while still in shock and reeling from the death of a loved one, you are now instantly thrown into dealing with all the things that come along with arranging for a funeral & burial. That turned into a nightmare and we finally were able to get her buried almost 3 weeks later, on Dec 13th 2012.

Dec. 2012 – Jan 2013 - The Funeral, The Depression

It was Dec 12, the day before my Mom’s funeral. My husband’s boss came into town to meet with him. He was given paperwork that the office of which he was the manager was closing down & he would be demoted from Manager to Sales Rep. or he could take a layoff. Since we need the salary & benefits he had to stay and step down starting in January. So after the funeral my depression set in starting the very next day, I didn’t feel like celebrating anything. Christmas & New Years came and went, along with our 9th wedding anniversary on Dec. 30th. No decorating, or gift giving for Xmas, no going out for our anniversary, & no celebrating the New Year, (although I had hoped it would be better), no family or friends around, just a lot of nothing. The next eventful thing in Dec. was a lot of rain & our roof leaking. Twice we had to have a roofer out for repairs which cost around $900.00. After that unplanned expense there wasn’t much money left for anything anyway.

Feb – Mar. 2013 - Big Repairs; Less Money

Now I’m starting to ask, Please!!! Let something start going right! But no! It just wasn’t met to be. First we had major plumbing problems. So, after calling two different plumbers in to work for days at a time, and after having our water turned off so we couldn’t shower or even flush the toilets, (we had to head down to Home Depot when needed). We finally got it repaired to the tune of $2200.00. To top things off, my husband of course, had to become a sales rep. after being a manager for 6 years. The problem is, it takes a while to build up a client base. So not only was his salary cut by about 30 percent, but he wasn’t making any commission either. Suddenly the paychecks became a lot smaller than before. To make matters worse early Mar. the office was closed down, and the sales reps. were now going to be working from home. Great! That’s just what I needed, him home every day with me.

April 2013 – More Trying Times

This month started off with my little dog Chloe becoming very ill. She didn’t seem to be eating much & appeared to be kind of incoherent at times. I called and got her a vet appt. for the next day to get her checked out. That day I gave her a nice spa treatment, with a nice warm bath, a haircut and lots of pampering. Later before bed I tried to get her to eat & drink something but she wouldn’t. At bed time I wrapped her up snuggly in her pink blanket. In the morning I found her still wrapped up but she had passed away sometime during the night. She didn’t make it for her vet appt. Maybe she was trying to save me money, maybe it was just her time. My husband took her to the humane society to have her cremated so later we could have our own little burial. She was 11 ½ years old and I got her when she was three. Again, another hard thing I had to go through.
Next, due to our new reduction in income, I started looking for ways to drastically cut down on our expenses. I had to come to the realization that we could not afford to keep a horse any longer. When you live in the city paying for a pasture space at $250.00 a month, along with many other horse related expenses, I just can’t afford. So I had to sell by beautiful Palomino, “Dusty”. I sold her to the girl who has been helping me train her & take care of her. I also sold her for minimum, practically nothing, just because there’s no market for horses right now. I mean let’s face it. When people are still losing their homes, what the heck are they going to do with a horse?
So that pretty much brings us up to date on what’s been going on in my life the past eight months. I really hope things start looking up, because I don’t think I can take much more.
I really miss my Mom so very much. I cry all the time and I feel like I’m in this deep dark hole and can’t seem to pull myself out. I miss calling her & talking about things. She’s the only one who knows everything about me since the day I was born. I’ve been trying very hard to get myself interested or happy about something but it’s been really hard and I’m not sure how to snap out of this feeling of helplessness. I guess time will heal things. Isn’t that what they say? Time heals all. I sure hope so. I just feel like I’ve lost so much lately.

I’m really hoping that if I can get back into communicating with the rest of the world, especially all of my positive Spark Friends that may help bring me back to the Land of the Happy & Healthy. I do miss everyone and hope you have all been doing well.

Here’s a picture of me taken on my B-Day in Nov. The red Coach purse was my B-day gift from the hubby. Probably the one of the few smiley days I’ve had before most of everything started happening.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Thank you for taking the time to share in all that has happened. Words can't express all the emotions - so I will send hugs instead.
    2494 days ago
    First of all, please accept my condolences for all the losses you've sustained over the past 8 months. You are in mourning & grieving, my dear...& the pain you're experiencing is very real & horrific. How can anyone experience all those losses & not be phased by it all! You've shown great strength & courage by sharing what's been happening w/your life & I am grateful for you. We are here for support, as always! Please reach out & talk w/a professional, if you so desire. They certainly can help & there are wonderful things they can do to help.

    Take special care & be kind to yourself. You are loved!

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2497 days ago
    Wow..what a year you have had!! So sorry to hear about all you've had to go through! My deepest sympathies on the loss of your mom...I lost my mom suddenly in 1996 and I still miss her..she was only 69.

    You have been through so much !! I'm so glad you are back..I missed you...I have been through drepression and know just how bad that can make you feel. A couple years ago when my daughter stopped having anything to do with me I went through a bad depression..I still need to work on not being pulled back into the pit...

    Send me a message any time you want to talk..and thanks for dropping by my blog.. April has been my month to try to took on the sunnyside!!

    Love the new picture..you look very beautiful and I love the new purse!!

    Take care..hugs..and it's so good to have you back!! emoticon
    2497 days ago
    Oh my you have been through alot haven't you? I am so glad to see you are back here in sparkland though. I hope the friendships you have here will help cheer you up, you have been missed.

    I know how disappointed and frustrated you must be not to mention angry at your hubby but I hope you can forgive him for your sake. Unforgiveness hurts the person that is hurt much more than the other person. It leads to a "root of bitterness" that even affects our health. You explained it all real well when you said he doesn't have any children. Sometimes (NOT ALL TIMES of course) childless people can become very set int heir ways and selfish as well. You know as a Mom how much love, giving, sharing, etc. we do. He missed out on all that. Not making excuses for him but I know you love him and heck you have made it through nine years, hang in there hun, no one is perfect.

    You look SO good in the pic with your new purse....smoking HAWT!

    So glad you are back and know if ya need to vent EVER I am here.

    Your spark friend,

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2497 days ago
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