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Thursday, April 25, 2013

This hits home for ME so I thought I would share this with you: Codependency is a lonely place. We have people in our life that feel sorry for us and tell us what we want to hear and we have others who judge us and tell us what we should do. I sought out the people that told me what I wanted to hear and I tried to avoid the ones who criticized me and tried to tell me what to do. One way or the other these people affirmed in my mind that I was a helpless victim.
But, I learned that I am not a helpless victim. True, I did not have the power to change them. But I did have the power to change me. It was also true that I could no longer use them for an excuse Not to be proactive in my own life, safety and well being. Self-honesty was extremely difficult for me in the beginning. Sometimes when I said “yes but” to my sponsor she would gently remind me that God gave me two ears and one mouth for a reason. It was time to be quite and listen. Most of us believe that our situation and our circumstances are different. That the problems in our life are unique. But I can assure you that they are not. There will always be someone with something worse going on in their life and some whose problems are not as difficult. I have come to realize that I used “yes but” as my exemption clause. To me it meant that the program and the steps did not apply to me or my situation. Which of course meant that I was in denial. They say in our program that until it is more painful for us to stay the way we are than it is for us to change, we will not change. Not to much in my life changed until I reached the point where my pain was stronger than my pride. I was stunned to learn that I had a pride issue. I thought that I was defeated and without pride. But as long as I said “yes but” I was saying I did not want help except on my terms - and if that is not pride I don’t know what is. A wise sponsor, the fellowship and the program have helped to keep me grounded. Surrounding myself with people who will be honest with me in love is a must. I found people in the program that had the joy, peace and happiness that I wanted. Those were the people that I talked to about my program and my recovery. I was sick and tired of hurting and I trusted only people who had walked my walk and were now happy in there life to mentor me.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    My step-son was a "yes, but" person, a victim of every circumstance. It took a long time, but eventually he started listening and realizing that what I was saying was true:

    I'm not saying you CAUSED it; but you have to assume responsibility for it. If you are responsible, then you have the POWER to CHANGE it!"

    Best of luck to you!
    1848 days ago
  • FISHER011
    YOU are a Worthwhile Person & YOU deserve to be ~HAPPY~!
    1854 days ago
    emoticon blog. You are very honest with yourself and determined to change, all of which does hurt and needs to be done with a care as to how we go about it. You are intelligent to step off from those who only say what you want to hear and surround yourself with those who will tell you the truth with love and support. Don't stop doing this your way. Trust yourself to find your own path thru this journey and be true to it. emoticon
    IKacey co-leader of the Chair Exercise Team
    1855 days ago
    1855 days ago
  • 68ANNE
    1855 days ago
    1855 days ago
    Those are amazing and important truths you are discovering. Hang in there and you will be reaping the benefits of your hard work and efforts.
    1855 days ago
  • MARYBETH4884
    Sounds like you are making positive progress! Finding people who will tell you the truth and that you can trust is a great way to get your life on track!
    1855 days ago
    What a wonderful blog. Your honesty and hard work has made you a better person and I'm so happy for you. Keep on keeping on and good luck!
    1855 days ago
    When the advice that you need comes you will know it. You know those people who are for you.....

    God bless & pray for discernment....

    1855 days ago
    I'm so happy you have found the help you were ready to accept. Please give yourself huge credit for getting this far. That is awesome. Hang on. You CAN do it!
    1855 days ago
    Keep trying, reading, sparking, and doing! don't give up...You are on your way.....One day at a time...... emoticon Let go and let God........ emoticon Act as if.... emoticon
    1855 days ago
    It's very important to realize that "yes but" is just an excuse to continue the way we are. I don't take criticism well, so I understand what you are facing. Improvement is something we have to do for ourselves, but it is wonderful to have someone there who is supportive and will tell us in love what needs to be changes. emoticon
    1855 days ago
    1855 days ago
    My hubby always says I look good no matter what. Sometimes I would really appreciate his honest opinion, but I think he's trying to be kind to me. Your blog was very honest and I know much deeper than how I look, but I can relate to it. I think it's wonderful that you are surrounding yourself with supportive, wise people!
    emoticon emoticon emoticon

    1855 days ago
    emoticon . It is easy to avoid the truth when we have people who tell us we look great or it is not that bad when we know they are lying but it feels good for the time. I am so glad you found mentors who are truthful.

    1855 days ago
  • BEEJAY49
    emoticon emoticon
    1855 days ago
    Wow, how wonderful that you are addressing this problem and making it work for you. My mother had co-dependency for all my childhood. Always one of us kids, had to be at my moms side constantly, which meant someone was always missing out on the growing up years. My sister is a very emotional person because of the pressure put on her to be mommy's side kick in life. Today, she at 79 has worked through that as well and come out the other side a better person who has a life intended of her children. We get together now because we love to, rather than we have to. Keep growing, its a wonderful thing you're doing.
    1855 days ago
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