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Thursday, April 25, 2013

I have to finally admit it. I'm scared. It's a huge part of what's holding me back from loosing this weight.

I'm scared to go to the gym. I'm scared of being laughed at. It's so out of my comfort zone. I know it will benefit me, but I haven't been able to work past this yet.

I'm scared of actually loosing the weight. I gained it for a reason. It's my security blanket. It kept attention away from me. It would push people away. It pushed both positive and negative attention away. No one would look at me twice, so they would just leave me alone.

I needed this security growing up. But I don't need it anymore. I can take care of myself.

It may sound silly, but I barely believe that right now. Loosing my job recently has knocked my foundation out from under me. I've been questioning myself. Can I really take care of myself? Why can't I hold a job? I really did like this one. My problem with the jobs have been the social interaction. I really get to hate some people at my work. I can't even work with them anymore. And when you are working in a company where who you know or who you blow is big, you get on the wrong side of someones niece, and you are as good as out the door.

I don't take instruction well either, especially when the person giving it has shown me they really don't know what they are doing. I really need to work through this one, or I'll never be able to keep a job.

Anyhow, this whole job situation has lead me to start to wonder if I really am strong enough to take care of myself. But the reality is I don't need to do it alone. Hubby wants to help. So if I can find a way to accept this help I can focus on changing what I need to physically to regain my health.

I've lost the weight before. It was tough, but I was able to do it. Yes, it brought on a whole pile of attention. Both good and bad. Mostly good, as I had surrounded myself with good people at that time.

Life changed. I lost my sense of security. I was in an abusive relationship for a while. I didn't even know it was until I got away. I had so little control over the things in my life around me, so I curled back up in my security blanket.

Things are better now. Hubby really cares about me. Yes, we have our issues, but we are working through them. In all honesty, I can see us staying together. It's not just wishful thinking. He wants me to stay, and I do too. Our issues are small things that as long as we keep talking, we can get through.

So in life, I'm going to be okay. And in all honesty, if I shed this security blanket I will still be safe. Yes, this town is full of creeps. I have not been able to connect with others and make any real friends. I know this is a weakness of mine. I'm sure someday I'll be able to make a friend or two here, but right now it is so hard.

Wow. It's no wonder I'm so scared these days. I need to find my strength. My rock. Something to hang onto until I can hang onto myself.

I would say Lee could be my rock, but he's not at all supportive of my weight loss. I think it scares him too. That some of the attention I will draw will pull me away from him. It won't, but it's hard to explain that to him. But if I let him be my rock for safety externally, I can work on my ability to keep myself safe internally. I know I can keep me safe. I don't need to even pay any attention to the unwanted attention. It is more about the person giving it. The person gawking. Drooling. That really has nothing to do with me.

I understand why I put the weight on originally. I understand why I put it back on after all that hard work to loose it. Now to work on believing in myself again. Believing I deserve to loose it. To be able to drop my security blanket. To stand strong without it.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Don't be scared.
    Decide to enjoy your time at the gym , and before you know it,
    you WILL be enjoying your time st the gym !
    1820 days ago
  • JUSTME29
    It's so hard to lose. Physically of course, but the mental aspect is the real clincher.
    1821 days ago
    They say the first step is admitting what our problem is.
    1821 days ago
    There is a theory about why your body choses to be fat vs thin

    Here is from a blog I wrote last month -

    I just finished an audio book, The Gabriel Method by Jon Gabriel. Jon tells how he lost over 200 pounds and his theory that the body decides your set point and you gain or lose weight accordingly. As long as your body wants to be fat there is nothing you can do about it. If you crave foods constantly it’s a clear sign your body believes being fat is the best way to keep you safe. When your body want to lose weight, it’s effortless and your body knows how to do it. Cortisol, “the stress hormone” is secreted in higher levels during the body’s ‘fight or flight’ response to stress. Small increases of cortisol have positive effects but continued high levels of cortisol cause weight gain. So your body has it’s own reason why it needs you to be fat and you have to 'trick' your body into wanting to lose weight.

    Here is the author

    As I listened to the book, I clearly recognized the part about your body taking over the weight management. My appetite has decreased and my energy level has gone up and I am losing weight.

    Changing Your Body's Set Point

    Why Your Body Would Want To Be Fat Or Thin (part 2) - The Gabriel Method

    1821 days ago
  • FIT4MEIN2013
    By acknowledging the root of our behavior, we allow ourselves to open up enough to change it. emoticon
    1821 days ago
  • ASTRA58
    This is why working on all the issues that keep us wrapped in the security blanket is so important. We can lose the weight, but unless we work on those issues, we will find a way to put it back on, or sabotage ourselves from getting to goal.

    I understand, because I am fearful of that, too. I've also used my weight as a security blanket and now that I'm close to the half way point, I'm getting scared, too. I almost sabotaged myself last week, but fortunately for me, some Spark Friends pulled me from the brink of the abyss.

    So, I want to tell you that you can do this. SparkPeople is a process for us to heal ourselves, not just in getting healthier weight-wise or fitness-wise, but also in the way we treat ourselves and think about ourselves. We have to believe that we are worthy of having the best possible advantages life can give us and we can do that by being as healthy as we can be.

    I believe in you and I believe in me. We can do this. We can learn that it only matters what we think and feel about ourselves. That we are of the primary importance to ourselves. If we give to others, it's from a place of abundance because we've already given so much to ourselves.

    It's OK to let go of the fear. The fear protected us for so long, but it's actually hindering us now. The body/mind doesn't like change though, so it tries to hold on to what has worked for us in the past. We have to gently tell it that it's not working anymore. It's not what we want or need.


    BTW, are you a David Eddings fan, by chance?
    1821 days ago
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