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Dusting Myself Off After Falling Down...

Thursday, April 25, 2013

I think over my time blogging here on Spark, I have pretty much stayed positive. I guess I have had a lot of things to be positive about. I always have felt really positive about my progress and wanted to share that with all of you. I have always wanted to be some sort of inspiration, even if it was just one person, one time. But this isn't a typical blog from me. This is me, opening up to you guys about what has been going on the last few weeks.

For the better part of 11 months, I really hadn't had that "roller coaster" on my weight-loss journey. I had really been on a pretty steady drop right from the beginning. I really hadn't faced any adversity along the way. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't easy. I had days where I didn't stick to my diet plan and there were days where I didn't get in all of the fitness minutes that I wanted to. I had some minor injuries (back, knee, and shoulder) that I worked through and even worked through a double ear infection. But the real key to my success, was limiting those things to just one day every once in awhile. I didn't allow those things to snowball. I learned from what happened and I was able to put that behind me to move on. To move forward and to keep succeeding. Well, that is until about 3 weeks ago.

I really don't know what was the cause of my back slide. I don't think I can really pinpoint one specific thing, but more like a number of things that I let get to me. Probably the first and most important thing is that I got complacent and satisfied with where I was. I had lost nearly 143 lbs. in 11 months and I was on track to reach my goal in the very near future. You would think that with my goal just 24 lbs. away that I would be hyper focused on doing everything I can to make my goal. At least, I would have thought myself that I would have been like that. Apparently not. I also started to let my feelings of being alone get to me. I tend to over think matters of the heart and let them get me down if I really dwell on them. I really let being single get me down and I did dwell on it a little too much. It played a part in me falling off my track as well.

Somewhere after the first of April, I lost my way. I lost my motivation. I lost my focus. I lost my spark. I lost...IT.

I was inconsistent with my workouts. I still did my workout program videos most days but I didn't do anything extra. I didn't do my C25K program. I didn't walk. I didn't lift weights. I didn't Spark much. As far as my eating went, it was all over the map. Some days I did just about as well as I had been doing over the last 11 months. Other days, not so much. There where some days where I fell back into old habits of mindlessly snacking when bored and/or tired. There were nights where I would binge on things that I didn't even necessarily want but ate just because I wanted something to do.

You know what the crazy thing was? I hated myself for it afterwards. When I say that I hated myself, that is absolutely what I mean. I HATER myself for it. But, I would promise myself that I would not do it the next day or the next day, but I did. I would start the next day great but by later in the day, the train would be way off the tracks and I would be sitting here wondering what the heck was I doing? What was going on? Was I going to let myself really do this again after all of the hard work and progress over the proceeding 11 months? Was I?

The answer is NO. No I will not. Maybe the last 3 weeks was a test. Maybe it was a bump in the road. Heck, it was more like a mountain in the road but I am happy to say that I feel like I have passed that mountain. I have been back on track the last 2 days and I feel like I am in complete control again! Nothing makes me happier than to actually type those words in this blog.

The last two days have not been easy. I have been tempted and I have almost slipped a couple of times. But I keep telling myself that I WILL NOT BREAK! I keep telling myself that I WILL BEAT THIS! I keep telling myself that I AM IN CONTROL!

But I can not take all of the credit for my turnaround the last two days. I have to give my dear friend Michelle (@STEELKICKIN as you may know her on Spark) a lot of credit for helping me through this hard time. I know Michelle will probably say that she really didn't do anything but that isn't true! She allowed me to vent my frustrations and gave me loving encouragement and advice that means more to me than I could ever say! She has been a true angel for me through my journey here on Spark and a true inspiration! A real pilar of strength. I want to thank her from the bottom of my heart for everything that she has helped me with and taught me along the way. I am blessed to have met her here on Spark and blessed that I can call her my friend away from Spark! She is the best! I love you Michelle!

All of you have been really helpful along the way over the last year. All of your support and kind words are all special to me. I don't think I could have ever gotten as far as I have without all of you. THANK YOU!

But with all of that said, I still have work to finish. I still have work to do. I will not quit!

I fell down. But I am standing up now and dusting myself off!

This is me, Brad, barring my demons of the last few weeks. This is me, Brad, pledging that I will not let those demons beat me! This is me, Brad, saying that...




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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    1860 days ago
    emoticon You ARE doing it. emoticon
    1860 days ago
    Great blog... it helps to know we're not alone (even though sometimes we feel that way). Thank you for sharing your journey ... from one single parent to another - I feel where you are coming from (the whole loneliness thing at times). Sounds like you're back on track! emoticon
    1860 days ago
    Thank you for sharing this blog! Reading it was perfect timing for me in my journey - I've experienced some recent success and then my weight went on a bit of a roller coaster ride the next two weeks. So now after my "one step back", I am taking "two steps forward". We will make progress in our healthy lifestyle journeys! Best wishes to you!
    1876 days ago
  • DOCKO56
    Wise words One Little Pill (where did that name come from?) emoticon
    1877 days ago
    Glad to see you back, my friend! I had a similar thing happen; it was like the closer I got to my ultimate goal and the more compliments I received, the more complacent I got. I had a "bad month" or so, where about 8 pounds found their way back. Pathetically, I wasn't even being honest enough with myself to document those weigh-ins. But I am back on program now, and those pounds are about gone. I think that's the key. We can have a little backslide, but as long as we recognize what's happening and get back to business, we'll be ok! Don't get down on yourself. It's so easy to do, but you have come too far to turn back now. You're a brand new (and sharp-dressed) man, and you are a GREAT catch! I have never met you in person, but I KNOW this, and so do you. The right girl will see it right away when she comes along. It just doesn't always happen when we want it to. You have good friends and beautiful children. Concentrate on that and the rest will fall into place. Chin up and stay with the fight. You've got this. emoticon
    1878 days ago
    Hi Brad - glad you're back from your little detour! I wouldn't mind betting that lovely wedding you went to had something to do with it - can bring up a lot of emotional stuff etc. Back to the C35K - I'm on 20 mins now - the progress is really encouraging. Go for it!
    emoticon emoticon
    1879 days ago
  • WILMA3865
    You have been an inspiration to me; know that! And sometimes, as we get close to the goals, if all of the things that were supposed to fix themselves haven't, it almost feels like "Why am I doing this again?".

    Forgive yourself, keep up the good work, and have fun.
    1879 days ago
  • DOCKO56
    I think too you need another goal, you focused so much on the wedding, you have to find something else that drives you. That's was I always do.
    1879 days ago
  • DOCKO56
    Writing it down helps a lot and giving credit where it is due. This certainly is the place to go to get a hand back up and as much help as you ask for! emoticon emoticon
    1879 days ago
    You KNOW I get this! We do so well for so long and then it seems as if our bodies say, "yeah, I'm done, sorry! I'm taking a break." Mentally and physically we get exhausted. As you've said to me before, this IS NOT EASY! It's more of a mental thing at this point. The thing is you're a fighter and you're not giving up. Regardless of what's happened over the last couple of weeks, you're still here and you're continuing to fight. You WILL finish this, you WILL meet your goals, and you WILL live your life as you were meant to live it. You've got this my friend!
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1880 days ago
    I feel like I 've done exactly the same thing! Yay you for having found the light again! I'm looking for the light right now. Perhaps being back on Spark today is a good sign. I don't want to lose ground and get back where I was.

    Thanks for this post. It's like someone wrote it for me. It's like all my feelings are there with a ray of light at the end that I can do this!

    Thanks! And good luck. I need the support too!
    1880 days ago
    Brad, thank you for sharing your journey and struggle.
    1880 days ago
    Well you've certainly been an inspiration to me. You're amazing. This is just a blip on the radar. And I KNOW you are going to make some lucky girl very very happy. You'd be a great catch. In the words of Journey, "don't stop believing".
    1880 days ago
    I'm so glad your friend was there. I too find if I get satisfied with my accomplishments, an okay, now I don't need that attitude, I slowly lose ground. I'm too scared to quit now. congratulations on being on track and sending a warning. When I get to maintenance I'll do what Spark says. Until then, I'm working.
    1880 days ago
    Sorry to hear that you've had a rough couple of weeks! They're tough from any angle, but we all have them -- and I think that's part of the journey, whether we like it or not. We are bound to slip up now and then, and we are bound to face things life throws at us and be affected by them. Sometimes we have a better handle on them, and sometimes we don't. Without those moments, we wouldn't have obstacles to overcome that make us stronger, and more determined (even if we want to hog-tie those nasties and beat 'em out back till they shrivel and die!).

    I am so PROUD of you for this blog! It is important to air your frustrations and put them out in the universe so that they don't eat you up from the inside. And you have accomplished so much is less than a year -- it is INCREDIBLE!! -- so those three weeks, while difficult, are not the beat-all, end-all for you. You will no doubt continue with your renewed determination and make even more progress!

    Chin up, Spark buddy! You are a pillar of strength and will be just fine! We are all here for you!
    1880 days ago
    Everyone trips up from time to time. The difference is those who are strong, who want change will stand up and keep going. Good for you for finding your way again. I fell a few months ago, came back for a while then fell again. I'm on the upswing but it's a struggle. Just keep that final goal in mind and you will do great!
    1880 days ago
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