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Wednesday, April 24, 2013

So I'm laying down now thinking about him and only him,..where did i go wrong..what did i do that wasn't good enough..i have been trying my hardest and giving my all and it seems like our love just wasn't good enough..i love him with all i have..i would do and give anything and everything for him..i just want him to recover,give up drugs,be happy..why can't i seem to find the right words to say, the right things to do, or the right way to beto make him understand and here my message
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    People value that which they have to work hard to get.
    Giving your love away is NEVER going to "get" him or any man.

    You have to value your self and your love enough to withdraw from him totally. Only then do you stand a small chance of his discovering in the midst of his addiction that he doesn't like life without you. It is the ONLY way you can help him at this point. And then you have to wait for him to clean up and come to you.
    1848 days ago
    You can not find the words to speak because there are no words that will get through to him . He is hell bent upon getting his fix and nothing you say can or will make him stray from his goal . as much as you try you are not going to be able to sway him . He will have to find his own way . you can do nothing . you are beating your head on a brick wall . no give . so please try to find a way to allow him to change himself .
    1853 days ago
    WildXAngels what has been said here is the truth. There is nothing wrong with what you have said or done. You have done enough, and nothing you could say or do would "cure" him. An addict has to hit bottom before he's ready to make the changes only he can make in himself. Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is let go of the addict and let God have room to act with him. Its very hard to do, and very hard to stand back and let his addiction run its course. In the meantime the only person you can make changes in is you. And you do need some changing starting with information about your addicts disease, and why you have done Nothing Wrong. I suggest a Narc Anon support group. It is the counterpart to Narcotics Anonymous, put together for those who are suffering through a loved ones addiction. You will find answers and loving support there. You shouldn't have to go thru this alone emoticon
    IKacey co-leader of the Chair Exercise Team
    1853 days ago
  • JUNEAU2010
    I know exactly where you are. We could probably trade stories! Unfortunately, I do not have good advice except to say I wish I had followed the advice of a police officer years ago who warned me to get out of the relationship because he would drag me down.
    1854 days ago
    asking God to give you special hugs..

    picture yourself wrapped up in a warm comforting quilt and just sitting on God's lap leaning against His chest........sshhhhh, quiet now------hear His heart beating just for you....He loves you soooooo much..
    1854 days ago
  • SHARON10002
    I am sorry that you are having to go through this experience in your life. I've gone back to read some archived blogs so that I have some background of what is going on.

    I agree with most of what has been said already. It must be HIS choice to change, and until he does that no matter what you do or say will make no difference except to cause you more heartache and pain because you will feel you failed in some way. You need to begin to forgive yourself and to love yourself right here, and right now in this very moment..

    Sending loving hugs to you . . .

    1854 days ago
    You are not responsible for his behavior. He is in the clutches of a demon that only he has the responsibility to fight. If he doesn't want to fight it, nothing you can or could do will make any difference.

    Someone else said to go to a co-dependency group. I strongly suggest that, since that is a behavior that is your responsibility and you need to make the effort to change that so your life can be better.
    1854 days ago

    Maybe you did not do anything wrong. Maybe the right words and things to do won't make a difference.
    I hope you can invest the energy you've spent on this person in yourself, take very good care of yourself.

    1854 days ago
    You can only be responsible for your own choices and although you may grieve for someone, they need to be responsible for theirs. Hugs.
    1854 days ago
  • CATE195
    Please try to concentrate on yourself. You are worth it!
    1854 days ago
    You are who you are and nothing better. You cannot control those who have no control.
    1854 days ago
    There is only ONE person who YOU can change - YOU. You deserve to have someone who is there for YOU. YOU deserve to be happy in YOUR life and your world. Letting him discover the changes instead of trying to make him change might work or then again it might not, depending on how interested and invested in changing he actually is.
    1854 days ago
    You can not say or do anything to make someone change who has no desire to change. The problem is not yours, it is his. Start by loving yourself, caring for yourself, and making yourself the person you want to be. Then you can search for someone who is strong, confident, and a support to you, versus you having to be everything to everyone. Be there for yourself first.
    1854 days ago
    This is easy for me say since I am not the one whose heart is broken, but think of yourself. Focus on repairing your relationship with yourself and the rest will come.

    Sending you prayers and loving thoughts.

    1854 days ago
    1854 days ago
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    1854 days ago
    Sending prayers and hugs. You are not alone. emoticon
    1854 days ago
    You may want to check out a codependency group in your area. There is a lot of support there. emoticon

    The only one we can change is ourselves.
    1854 days ago
    I heard myself when I read your blog. Remember that he alone is responsible for his actions. You can't change him - just be there for him.
    1854 days ago
    It sounds like you and I are in the same space. I totally understand how you feel and say those words to myself each and every day. Sometimes I feel so helpless and wonder what I am going to do next. Hang on, sending hugs.
    1854 days ago
  • DEBRA0818
    Having come from a family where alcoholism is prevalent, I can sympathize with the desire to say the right thing, do the right thing to help the person hear how much he or she is loved which cannot fail but bring them healing. I believe it is correct to say that knowing, really knowing, that one is loved is a healing experience. However, I also believe that each person has to unstop his or her own ears to hear it, and in some cases, has to become so miserable that he or she will finally allow God to do it.

    Your love and your willing the best good for him are holy things. Unfortunately, by themselves they cannot do what he has to do for himself.

    1854 days ago
    Sending out love to you. It sounds like you are working a program as you mentioned your sponsor. The hardest thing about having a loved one who is addicted is watching their self destruction and not being able to do anything about it unless they are ready to help themselves. There is no right way to be, no right thing to say to make him change. Sadly, drugs and alcohol, gambling, whatever the addiction is, have a tighter hold on the addict than can be gotten through with love or words. You have to love yourself. You need not change yourself to help the addict change; that will have no positive effect on either you or him.

    I have spent my life sandwiched between drug users, alcoholics, addicts; my parents, my husband, and my step-daughter. Long ago, in ACOA meetings, I learned to rely on the Serenity Prayer to sort out what is mine and what is not. Sometimes I lean more heavily on "The courage to change the things I can," sometimes I lean more on, "The wisdom to know the difference."

    Please feel free to PM me, if you want to talk.

    1854 days ago
    You are in so much pain right now – I will not insult you with saying that it will pass – my best advice (not asked for but..) is that you take the best care of yourself as possible, get enough sleep and share your feelings.
    1854 days ago
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