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second chances. (or 3rd, 4th, 1,000th?)

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

here i sit staring at my computer, looking at a blank blog page... emoticon

i feel... ashamed, guilty, unworthy, self-loathing, with all the weight i lost PLUS a few pounds extra, just to make it worse. emoticon emoticon emoticon .

i basically "dropped off the radar" for about a month. so many things were going on. financially, emotionally, mentally physically, spiritually. i was pushing EVERYONE (family, friends, co-workers) away... and pulling in my "drug of choice-FOOD") toward me. i totally crumbled. i THOUGHT i was strong, and gonna succeed, but well, things kept hitting me, and instead of embracing all of my family and friends, SPARK BUDDIES, i just gave up. went back to the old ways... eating...eating and eating (oh, and sleeping). basically depression. every bite of food, made me self loathe and made me feel disgusting, which would make me eat MORE! in this past month i aged A LOT.

i would get alerts on my regular e-mail account from sparkpeople, that you (my spark buddies) were worried about me. i couldn't face you... until a few days ago. i opened up one from my dear friend, "LOVE2MY3", i was ready for WHERE ARE YOU? what the heck? don't you care? but instead, she wrote a note of love and support, "are you okay?" i was afraid to write back, would she even WANT to call me friend? but i did, and what happened? she was there, non judgemental and supportive, ready to help! and other messages from other spark buddies were supporting too! i felt a calm and peace wash over me, i can't thank you all enough! most of my life (parents, aunts uncles, ect., friends of my past) would be conditional with their love and support. any time i would devate from the behavior they wanted/expected, they would abandon me. don't get me wrong (my hubby, kids, adopted mom, dad and sis, and a some current friends) are great, but they don't know my struggles with weight... LIKE EACH AND EVERYONE OF YOU...

i have been down the road of, "this time will be different, i will lose the weight", and then i mess up and quit, but then i come back and your support is there, just like it never left. i thank God for each of you. thank you for being there, even when i was not!

i am back, but i am gonna try to love myself right where i am, and be patient with myself, like you all have been with me. it is so easy for me to help others, but i do not afford myself the same understanding, and unconditional caring and love.

thank YOU for giving me a second, 3rd, 4th 1,000th chance... i can't say that i will never slip up, but i do promise to keep trying... and do you know why???? BECAUSE OF YOU. i am so very blessed to have each of you. thank you for being there.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Welcome Back! I've been checking your spark page periodically -- just hoping to see some activity and today I hit the jackpot. I've missed you and I'm glad you're back.

    1851 days ago
  • HOLLYM48
    Good luck with your journey! It is not always easy, but it is always worth striving for. You are right that the friends here don't judge and we always welcome you back with open arms. Nobody is perfect, just get back on the wagon and start again!
    1853 days ago
    I think we all slip and fall (or in my case tumble and roll and roll and roll) emoticon I've lost and gained, and lost and gained more....I turn to food when life is getting to hard--so I get you emoticon Hang in there...we're all here for you and glad you are back. Pat yourself on the back for the little things (even spinning the spark wheel--which I'm still ticked only gave me 2 points this morning emoticon ),...Your weight loss journey is a marathon, not a sprint. emoticon Have a great spark day....(BTW...pat yourself on the back for such a great and honest blog!!!) emoticon
    1853 days ago
  • LOVE2MY3
    I am so glad that you are back, my friend! emoticon You can do this! Just start taking baby steps, and before you know it you'll be back on track! And whenever you start to struggle, you know where to find me! emoticon I have been, and always will be here for you!
    1853 days ago
    Welcome back. Everyone has their demons. food has never solved any of my problems. Now when I turn to food out of stress or depression, I ask myself if I am hungry and if that cookie is really going to make me feel better. good luck on your Journey! emoticon emoticon
    1853 days ago
    Every single day, every moment actually, is a chance to start over. Welcome back, and good luck!
    1853 days ago
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    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.

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