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To attempt or not to attempt...

Monday, April 22, 2013

Living with chronic illnesses is really not something I have chosen. I have attempted, over a decade or two, to do too much. To meet others expectations. To find ways through more loopholes, help get jobs done, and along the way, I've worn out several of my systems. That's how it seems at the moment, anyway. I'm currently living with thyroid issues, adrenal issues, estrogen issues, hearing get the idea.

I've gotten into the habit of being quieter about what I'm living with since others don't seem to want to hear it. I try to "power through", though I hate the phrase. I continue to borrow energy from other days because I feel it's what is expected.

Currently, I'm either still fighting a really nasty bug that hangs on for months, or am having vocal chord changes. As a singer and music teacher, it's very frightening. It may be nothing. I have to make the appointment to find out. Well, that part's done. Now I get to go. I have some other testing coming up that, again, nothing will probably come from, but it's frustrating to feel I can't even ask for encouragement from others. It's one more thing. Others get flustered. Frustrated. Walk away. I have never blamed them. I want to walk away too! My life is not as I want it to be, but it is what it is.

I'm writing this because I just want to quit - quit attempting to volunteer - quit trying. Staying in the corner of the basement is safer. More acceptable. Then I don't have to interact - show how things are in my corner....except if you choose to see. This particular space of flare is a hard one, currently, and I have the strength to sit here and cry, and write, but not to reach out. I'm too afraid of what others think and believe, whether those opinions actually count or not.

Today, I'm hurting. I'm nervous about the test results. My dad's health continues to slide downwards and I don't have the mental strength to go visit.

Life is as it is, but some days, it would just be nice to go back to bed. Like now. Perhaps make a blanket fort and not allow anyone but the really good friends in. Yeah. That's it.

Who wants to come to the blanket fort?

Thanks for reading.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I agree with Icedemeter. Most people have no idea what your pain and illnesses are, and even if you try to explain it chances are that it will go right over their head. Their frustration at being ignorant only makes it seem worse. The big thing is that you cannot allow that to stop you from inviting them in. On your terms, to do the things that you are comfortable doing. Let them know up front that you are not going to allow yourself to "overdo" in an attempt to keep up with them. Friends will understand, if not then they won't come in.

    Remember .... If you want to take care of others, you must first take care of yourself, and most of all, if you want to love others, you must first love yourself. So glad you are part of our group.

    1854 days ago

    Comment edited on: 4/23/2013 4:52:14 PM
    Ooohhh - I love blanket forts!

    Try not to take it as a personal hurt when some people appear "frustrated" with your health concerns --- most likely just don't know what to say, or do, and feel powerless and helpless. Especially when you "don't look sick", they really have no idea of just what you're going through until you tell them. If they've never experienced it themselves, they just truly can not understand what it is like for you.

    The only person you need to "power through" for is you. The only person whose expectations you need to meet is you. There truly is joy in every day - even the pain filled, fog filled, nausea filled ones - you just need to notice it. Sometimes the joy is in staying curled up in bed, knowing that that is the healthiest, kindest thing that you can do for yourself that day.

    Today you took the strength that you had for writing and reached out --- and added joy to my day, with visions of a blanket fort (and visions / memories of lots of giggles, and whispers, and happy secrets). Thank you for that, as I'm having one of the curled up in the corner days, myself.

    Take care, and strong thoughts for good test results.
    1855 days ago
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