Sunday, April 21, 2013
Okay. Excellent weekend. Lots of Beechnut. Finished my first 100 miles on my bike. Got to hang with my brother AND my sister, and my parents, of course. And started chatting with a new guy.
Things I'm looking forward to this week: Unsupervised visit with said new guy on Monday night. Trivia with my parents and sister on Thursday. My brother coming home from school for the summer on Thursday which means that I'll probably have more fun with him over the weekend. Hopefully, more bike riding. And, of course, next week is vacation time. And, I think I'm close to getting that new strength training workout figured out. I MIGHT finalize that tomorrow during lunch so I can put it into action after my visit.
And in other news, I'm thinking again about a career change. I've been talking to my sister again about becoming a surg tech like her. She did some digging for me at work and is working on arranging a job shadow for me so I can have a better idea of what it's actually like. (The job shadow part of my teaching class was when I decided that i didn't want to be a teacher. Sure would have been nice to get to that realization before the end of my second semester of college.) The first step is to get a TB test. So I have to call the doc to have that arranged. Not looking forward to that.
The truth is, I've completely lost interest in my job. I used to try to be awesome at it all the time. Now I get irritated by everyone that needs anything. I just want to be left alone and I just want to get out of there at 5 (which rarely happens). My boss text messaged me on Saturday night this weekend and asked me to check on the backups. In my early days, getting that message would have made me feel important and good and I would have jumped right up from whatever I was doing to take care of it right away and report back to him. Instead, I looked at my phone and said no way dude. It's Saturday night and I'm at my parents' house watching a movie with my family. I'm off the clock and I'm not on call. I don't do "on call" because I'm not paid for it. You know how to check it. Check it yourself.
I obviously didn't say any of that. I didn't respond at all. And then I checked it when it was convenient for me this afternoon. It took them 3 years to give me the raise that I should have gotten after 6 months, and it's been 3 years since my last review. Speaking of review, he gave me my review on Monday and asked me to fill it out myself. I hate that. Here, let's give the girl who has little self-confidence a review to fill out herself so we can see how low she grades herself and then we can give her no raise based on that. Eff that. I know that my interest has waned, but I am good at getting things done, especially while my boss has been spending a LOT of time fielding phone calls from his side work lately! So I gave myself all high marks. If he wants to dispute them, whatever. I just don't care anymore.
Actually, I do care, but I wish I didn't. I know if he comes back and gives me all low marks, I'll be crushed. It's just how I operate. Though lately, I think he has not much cared for my contributions. He never has anything nice to say and only points out the rare mistakes... so I've made it a point to point out HIS mistakes too. Jerk! I actually think that's what has prompted him to give me a review at this time. He wants a formal avenue to discuss the degradation of my efforts. I find this pretty disturbing.
Or, I think he might be planning on leaving. And maybe he just wants to point out how much I need to do in order to be suitable to take over for him? But I don't want his job. I don't want to be on call 24/7 and I don't want to have to write up reports explaining why we need the upgrades we need for the board, and I don't want to report directly to Pam because she can be really evil and cutting, and I don't want to be responsible for coming up with ways to make our business more efficient as technology progresses and new solutions become available. I know he reads lots of tech articles and books and listens to podcasts and the truth is, I just don't have the interest in it. I don't care enough to follow this crap in my free time. And that's the difference between me and a lot of the people in my field. Most people in IT love it and love following the new stuff. That's why I feel I don't belong here. I don't share that thirst for what's new and how I can use it to make things better where I work. But mostly, I really don't want to be on call 24/7.
So, I plowed through the review and now I have to fill out the free form questions. They really suck too. Like, "How have you improved since the last review?" My last review was 3 years ago and my job is MOSTLY reactionary. I still use Google to solve most of my problems. I have no idea how I've improved. I don't remember what I was like 3 years ago. At the last review, he said he wanted me to try to test more stuff out and try different things. I haven't done that, because as I've mentioned, I don't care. I've started some projects and abandoned most of them. It's really fricking difficult to try and teach myself something new while I'm being distracted with peoples' problems all the time. As far as I'm concerned, I get the job done. It's weird because I don't care about excelling any more. Which is not like me at all. So it's time to move on.
Of course, I'm not going to say anything about this until I absolutely have to. I'm pretty sure that the program I'm looking at getting into would require full time work on my part. If that's the case and I can't make it work with my job, I'll have to suck it up and leave my job and find one that will work with it. The end. If I have to flip burgers, then that's what I have to do. Everyone goes through tough times. I could try and sell my condo, but rent in an apartment would cost more than my mortgage. Plus, the condos in my complex have been selling for half of what I still owe on mine. I doubt I'd be able to find a buyer and even if I did, I can't afford the difference. I'll just have to suck it up and live the hard life for a while. I've been letting that hold me back for a long time... I can't go to school full time and keep my job. Maybe not, but I can't keep my job and be happy. What's more important?
I'll tell you what's more important. Right now, getting my beauty sleep. I've got a date tomorrow night and I want to bring it.