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My Reality

Friday, April 19, 2013

So I signed up today for the StepUpCheyenne.com's event today. This is an event that they do every few months...kinda like dietbet.com, but you do it with a bunch of local people. I was really excited to do this last night...set my alarm clock for MUCH earlier then I would normally get up. Told myself I was going to go there in the morning and sign up for this and I would be "happy" about it.

Something happened between last night when I closed my eyes and when I woke up this morning. My motivation to sign up for this slipped...a lot. I dragged my feet this morning, procrastinating as much as I could with anything that I could. I left early, still intending to make it there and get signed up. I made it to the parking lot...and I couldn't go in. I saw all of these "cuter, skinnier, younger" girls walking out all smiles because they had just finished signing up. I chickened out. I bailed. I felt terrible about it, but I still couldn't force myself to go in.

For the next few hours of work, I had the internal bashing going on in my head. "You're stupid. Too fat! They're all prettier and skinnier then you. You're never gonna get smaller." Ugh! fine! I forced myself to go at lunchtime, but I made my BF go with me (moral support, okay?). The minute I stepped into the gym where they were holding this, fear and panic instantly came on. I felt like a total fish out of water. I filled out the paperwork for it, and was directed to go get weighed in. Now, mind you, the weight that they got on me was with clothes on and after I had eaten lunch. It was about 5 pounds heavier then what I had on my scale this morning. I instantly took it to heart. Then I had to hold a mechanism that told me what my BMI was. The buttons lit up on it. It started at normal, then went to high, then very high. And then it told me that my BMI was 42.6. emoticon That's right, folks. I am severely obese. I have 44.6% body fat.

The minute that number came up, it felt like my world just cracked. Little pieces of it are laying all over, and I just wanted to run out of the room crying. I knew that my numbers weren't great, but seeing them on this tiny little machine was almost too much for me today. I get that I've lost about 12 pounds so far this year, but at this very moment it doesn't feel like i've done s**t. I thanked the perky, skinny nursing student who was helping me face reality and I grabbed my coat and my BF and then left...quickly. There were tons of vendors there all with smiling faces who wanted the participants to visit them. I just didn't have the heart to even look at them.

So what am I feeling? Ashamed, embarrassed, ....guilty?? Yes! It's my fault that I'm where I'm at today. I take the blame completely, and until today I thought I was working on it the best I could. But obviously, today's been an eye-opener, and I'm left standing pretty blurry eyed right now. The worst part of this whole thing...the minute I left that building all I wanted to do was go to Dairy Queen and order the biggest blizzard they had and gorge on it. Talking to my BF, I calmed down enough to not drive there. I drove past it, and back to work. I walked past the cafeteria that has ice cream in it. I walked up stairs to my workstation. I'm still angry and hurt, but I figure with every minute I should start to feel better that I haven't binged. I'm struggling, but I'm fighting. I'm going to overcome this, even though right now it feels like I'm going to start crying at any minute.

So what am I going to do now? I don't know, honestly. I need to regroup, but first I need to get through the next two hours at work without crying. Then I'm going home and having a mini pity-party, and then I'm going dress shopping with my daughter. She has family pictures with her dad tomorrow, and she wants to look nice. That's what I'm going to start with.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Michelle emoticon please stop comparing yourself to others its not good for us to do. In fact we all had to start somewhere on this journey to a healthier self Its no end date to this journey we are all here for the long haul no matter how long it takes Yes you will overcome these feelings.
    1830 days ago
    Michelle, girl, you are not alone! So many of us have been exactly where you are and your strength not only helps you but it helps us. I am so proud of you for pushing yourself in there and signing up. That is the spirit that will help you. Think about the 12 pounds you have lost. It's a marathon and if you take your time to change yourself a little each day you will get there. Proud to have you as my teammate!

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    1830 days ago
    I'm proud of you - you did sign up and you are here with us. You are smart enough to realize that life goes on and take your daughter out shopping for a new dress. There is no quick fix, but I know that in the end you will be fine.
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    1830 days ago
    Are you done?...Listen~Everyone here is right! Don't compare yourself to others, YOU ARE A FIGHTER! YOU CAN DO THIS! You've already taken the first steps. You signed up~that's what you wanted to accomplish that day~You drove past DQ~ I recall recently reading the following...and I think you should focus on what this person has to say...The first sentence has Great Wisdom:
    'It's amazing what you can do when you push yourself just a little bit more out of your comfort zone. The ski machine, the one piece of equipment that I DETEST more than any other...well I did 18 minutes on it today. That's the most I've ever done on it! It may not be a big number for some people, but for me, it's like climbing my Mt. Olympus. Three months ago before I started this BLC challenge, I wouldn't have attempted working out in a gym.'

    Remind yourself that YOU are worth this~it isn't about being skinny~It's about being a healthier, happier, empowered~YOU! You can't do it in a week, but each week you can get closer!
    emoticon Now get out there and kick some... ! emoticon

    1830 days ago
  • FITAT50
    You are a Rock Star in my book! Look at all you've accomplished in the last 12 weeks! Did you give up during those 12 weeks or did you fight? You so got this girl! I believe in you and you should too!

    1831 days ago
    Think about how far you have come love! You are amazing, and you are going to do fantastic. Don't compare yourself to other people, compare yourself to you yesterday, the day before, and your first day of BLC, and your first day of spark. You can do this.
    I believe in you.
    1831 days ago
  • LBART85
    I felt the same way this morning when my alarm went off and when I saw my numbers. They were what I thought but it was still very hard to see. If you need someone to be a walking buddy for the challenge I am so in.
    1831 days ago
  • LUCYLU22
    emoticon to you, dear one!!! Lynn, is right, look at ALL the accomplishments you have under your belt right now. I am here for you, and I will be here to encourage and cheer you on!!
    1831 days ago
  • LCDM83
    You had an upsetting reality check with the #s, but think about your other numbers- how many fitness minutes did you log the last 12 weeks? How many ice creams did you pass up today that you wanted? You faced some fears today too- public WI, going against your comfort zone.

    Take a deep breath, grab a glass of water and an apple and know that if you got past this you can do anything. emoticon
    1831 days ago
  • SUCCESSN2018
    emoticon emoticon
    1832 days ago
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    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.

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