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Looking At My Feet.

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

This whole body, weight, spirit, journey has me so frustrating today. I know I am exactly where my experiences have brought me to today. When I question "Why?" I look down at my feet and know I am exactly where I need to be in that moment. I just refuse to accept this weight!
My frustration is that I have felt, since I was 10 when my eating went crazy, that shouldn't I be over all of this by now? I find my "disordered eating" just morphs to something new almost daily.
I am not enjoying the journey of late. I am uncomfortable in this space ship (I call my body.) I continue to refine what I eat, eliminate anything I overeat or binge on. Pretty soon, I will be just drinking water! (snark!) Unfortunately, my eating behaviors seek out volumes of any kind of eatable substance. So I am currently at an all time high weight. (I should have had twins at this weight!)
I rarely reach out because of the intense shame I carry around food and body issues. Time to reach out. I am looking at those feet again and know that posting this message is exactly what I need to do! Typing means I am not eating..... emoticon
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Some days are just hard, and dang, it's hard to have long term issues with food! Just know you are not alone, I could copy and paste this blog and use it OFTEN. Thanks for expressing it so well!
    1829 days ago
    I hope you will reach out more often, because you are a natural and expressive writer.Now that I've found your blog, I hope there will be many entries to come.

    As for the body issues... all I can say is that this is one place where you are not alone.

    Learning to love ourselves may be even harder than losing weight... don't stop!

    1830 days ago
    emoticon We can all do it together!
    1832 days ago
    I liken this whole process to playing a game of "whack a mole" (for those who have never heard of it, it is a game where the pesky mole keeps popping up and when you hit it in one spot, it appears in a different one, and there seems to be an unending supply of them). How this relates is that every time I find a solution for ONE eating issue, another one pops up, when I solve that one or at least treat it, then another and so on. If our eating problems were easily diagnosed or SIMPLE, we would NOT be still dealing with them. Just remember that it is worth the effort to whack the stupid moles (eating problems) and as we whack more of them, we make progress even if we don't CURE ourselves overnight or even over a long time.
    1832 days ago
    emoticon emoticon Please don't give up. You are worth the effort it takes to become and stay healthy!
    1832 days ago
    Good for you for reaching out! I know that's hard.
    Cutting foods out may not bring a solution it if you are a binge eater. I tried it, too and I noticed that I do better when I have a healthy food plan - turning that into a habit now - and then allow myself some treats now and then. I think it's not so much about WHAT you eat in itself (though it defintely does matter) but about how you think about food and yourself.
    If you're an emotional eater or a binge eater (don't know if you are, but IF you are) then it's the emotional issues that need to be solved. It's not about the food (alone).
    Love yourself. You are NOT in a space ship. You're in a temple. Progress IS possible.
    1832 days ago

    Comment edited on: 4/17/2013 4:28:45 PM
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    1832 days ago
    Hang in there, we have ALL of us been there before getting the Spark! You are going to do great, and you are clearly getting fired up, which is the best way to be about it!
    emoticon emoticon
    1832 days ago
    I know how ya feel hunney! This time last year, I was 2 pounds lighter than I was 9 months pregnant, and my "baby" was turning 3. Just glancing at your blog entries, I see you're like me, with the seemingly constant starting over. Something will happen, and in a few months or years, you have gained all that you lost plus more, and need to start all over. As Chocohippo said, baby steps! "Progress, not perfection" 2 steps forward and one step back is still forward momentum.

    Figure out why you crave volume, instead of just cutting stuff out. Maybe understanding the triggers will help.
    1832 days ago
    Wow, you are really hard on yourself. You know, we've all had a time when we hit our high weight and none of us liked it either. But you know what you did that some of us didn't? You reached out. You expressed your feelings and you have a plan of attack. You should feel so good that you're doing those good things for yourself. It's a journey. Baby steps all the way, to be sure, but still steps forward...and occasionally backward and forward again. There is no way to do this perfectly. You can do this and you will in your own way and time. I'm rooting for you.
    1832 days ago
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