Becoming Bendy Day 2

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Mindful Knowing Question: Take a look at what you wrote yesterday and circle words or phrases that stand out in what you've written. Now focus on ONE and write about it. Where does that take you?

The phrase I want to focus on is that I need to work on what's holding me back. I know I have a lot of underlying issues and I can no longer be afraid of exploring those. I've let fear hold me back from a lot of things in my life and the more I allow that to happen, the longer it will take me to reach my goals and really be the person I want to someday be.

No what you have written both yesterday and today on your "deeper dive", what is your deepest intention in being in this class and community?

My deepest intention is really to have another support system that focuses on the ways of living life that I have been learning in my therapy groups. It's so incredibly hard to be with people that completely understand you for an hour and share your way of thinking and then leave it to walk out the doors into a society that's centered around diets and thin models and fake beauty. Once you step back out into that world, it makes you start to doubt all of the things you are learning and so I'm really doing this class as another support system as well as continuing to learn about myself.

Mindful Eating Question: Around weight and food in particular, what are your false comparisosn to others, your false expectations of yourself, and your false investments in a story?

False comparisons to others - Look how skinny that girl is, people like her way more because she's skinnier than me. I can't go out with those friends because I'm massive compared to them and no one will talk to me. Every girl on this dating website is probably prettier than me so I don't know why I bother.

False expectations of yourself - You need to go to the gym every day or you won't lose weight. If you eat that doughnut, you're a complete failure. I'm completely cutting gluten out of my diet for no reason other than to help me lose weight.

False investments in a story: You already ate that one "wrong" item, you're entire day is now ruined so you might as well continue eating crappy. I can't work out tonight so I've ruined my day. I ate really "bad" yesterday and need to make up for it today. I can't eat that pastry, it's going to make me gain so much weight.

Mindful Moving Questions:
How do you compare your physical abilities to others? And how does that block you?
How do you set too-high expectations for yourself in regard to movement? And how does that block you?
What "stories" do you tell yourself about exercise? And how do those stories block you?

I'm struggling a little bit to answer this question. I don't think I compare myself to others physical abilities as much as I compare myself to a different version of myself. For example, I have ran half marathons and lifted 20 lb weights above my head while doing lunges and ran at 9.0 on a treadmill and I often compare where I am at now compared to where I was. It blocks me in a manner where I often get disappointed in myself because I had it and I let it all slip away and I can't do those things anymore. I'm really working on living in the "now" and realizing that yes that was me at one point and I can work to get back to that place but this is where I'm at right now and this is what I need to be happy with right now.

I have really high expectations for myself when it comes to working out, but again, I'm working on it. I'm realizing I can't work out 7 days a week and I can't do classes back to back. And it's not so much that I can't do those things - because I could - but maybe a better way to word it is that I don't want to. So I fight my high expectations alot to focus more on what's reasonable.
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