Getting over a hump

I did it again. I got to a certain point.. took some progress pictures and then immediately fell off the wagon. I reached 25 lbs gone and then took pictures and then my mind basically just shut down or something on me and I fell wayyy back into old habits.

But

This time.. I didn't give up.

I messed around for like 2-3 weeks.. ate garbage and made half assed attempts at work outs. I didn't gain weight but I certainly didn't lose very much either. I finally sat down in a room by myself with no tv and and no other distractions - computers, ipad etc and just asked myself.. "Okay what's going on?"

The answer?

" I have a huge long road ahead of me still"

So?

It's not time to give up.. it's time to keep fighting and showing myself that I am worth all this effort and the tears and the good feeling that follows after a successful work out which then is followed by a successful week.

I am NOT giving up on me. Is there a point in gaining back almost 30 lbs so that this time next year i can be upset with how I am having to work my butt off to lose all that weight AGAIN!? Do I not remember how when i first started that like 2 years ago that I lost 40 lbs and am having to go through the pain of losing that same 40? Seeing numbers on a scale I've already seen once before and was already proud of once before? Last attempt and this round together I lost 70 lbs almost.. in a perfect world I'd be around 230 lbs instead of sitting up at 266. But this is not a perfect world. (If it was i wouldn't be fat).

I also had an epiphany. I keep planning cheat days. I realized how big a mistake this has been. It means there are forbidden foods that i am only allowed to have every once in a while instead of a portioned snack of it whenever I want. Learning this and actually processing it in my head made me realize how forbidden these foods aren't and that i can plan my day around it IF I WANT. And since realizing it guess how many times in a week I've had these "forbidden" foods. 0 times. Seriously.

So I'm back. I mean I have always been here but just not active what so ever on this site. I haven't blogged. i've tracked my weight and measurements and workouts etc but haven't put effort otherwise here at all. I'm over my hump and i feel like I am stronger now and more focused on my goal. I can actually see progress in my body.. not just from pictures but when I see myself in the mirror even when i go into stores and glance at myself in the mirror. I am starting to like the way i look even though I have a long road ahead of me I can tell I'm going in the right direction.