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Monday, April 15, 2013

Top Ten Things Overheard at the Denny's Wedding

10. "I guess the Waffle House was booked"
9. "I said I wanted to get married at Disney"
8. "You think this is bad - they're having their honeymoon at Sleepy's"
7. "You may now exchange onion rings"
6. "By the power vested in me, the assistant manager, Keith..."
5. "I'd like to read a passage from appetizers"
4. "You got them a deep fryer? I got them a deep fryer!"
3. "We're registered at Jenny Craig"
2. "The waiter's in the kitchen giving the maid of honor a sausage slam"
1. "You may now Heimlich the bride"

David Letterman

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From Your Accountant

10. Take off your clothes and sit on the examining table (Harvey Tanton)
9. Good news -- you earned enough to co-sign my mortgage! (Whitney Boyd)
8. My client Wesley Snipes said prison wasn't so bad (Phil Defalco)
7. Would you like to touch my rubber thumb? (Lawrence Spielman)
6. I'm faxing over your 1099 form right now [makes faxing sound] (Gary Schatsky)
5. Care to make a tax-deductible donation to the Taliban? (Bob Manger)
4. Give me fifty bucks -- I'll make your taxes disappear (Andrew Ross)
3. Do you have someplace to stay until things blow over? (Sandra Bussell)
2. Ignore the blood stains (Richard Koenigsberg)
1. Ey, Nice W-2s (Andrew Rubin)

David Letterman

During a fundraiser, President Obama raised some eyebrows when he called California’s Kamala Harris, quote, ‘the best-looking attorney general in the country’. Of course he said it was just a joke. Then Michelle was like, ‘Well, here’s another one: What’s black and white and sleeps on the couch?’ -Jimmy Fallon

North Korea has the same ability to launch a nuclear strike against America as I do. It’s like walking through a parking lot and getting barked at by a chihuahua locked in a car. -Bill Maher
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