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I am so Blest!!!

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Well, I finally know why I have been in a funk. The recent oral surgery (over a week ago now) on my gums has opened up an old PAINFUL memory. Since I had to make myself keep my mouth open for 4 hours then another 2 hours getting everything out (packing, stitches, cleaning) stuff came up when I was 2 having to keep my mouth open. It is not appropriate to say what happened but know it was not good, for a 2 year old being forced to keep her mouth open for up to 15 men. Well, that is all I will say.

During the time I was trying to keep my mouth open for the stitches removal. My mouth was shaking uncontrollably and I did not know why. I just thought I was scared of any pain.

It has taken 54 years for this memory to come out and boy it was a doozy. I woke up this morning crying and finally work my hubby up to hold me and I cried another hour after that. I am sure glad this is over.

After spending 2 hours last night and 3 more today with my therapist, plus hours more of tears. I finally feel like me again. I have been in a panic all week every time I left my house. Either to take my son to school or to even go to work. I felt such a deep despair and panic that I could not understand. I thought I was going crazy. I have prayed, meditated, asked the angels for guidance and help but did not feel any better. All I get is that I am doing what I am supposed to be doing. I just felt so alone and disconnected for some reason.

It sure is amazing just how Spirit works and how guided things are at just the right time huh. I had no idea what was happening but It was like a book opening up chapter by chapter. A book of horrific memories locked in my brain and body for 54 years. It felt like it happened today instead of those days.

I am truly blest and thankful how everything opened up at the perfect time. How the people in my life where there at just the right time from the peridontontist to my therapist to my hubby.

Now I know what it feels like for those who are afraid to leave their own home. I feel for them.

Gosh, I am just so lucky, so blest.... tears...... I was able with this memory to see my mother for who she was. For releasing the guilt and shame that I felt was my fault when I had nothing to do with it in the first place. I truly love my mom but now I can let go the fantasy mom I always wanted and needed. I can be my own mom and love myself, mother my own self and stop punishing my body. This hidden shame and pain I have been holding on all these years. I have worked so hard to get this excess weight off but keep putting a little back on then off then on again. Maybe with this, I can keep it off.

My heart is open wide as well as my eyes. This was HUGE for me. I have a lot to think about and still heal. just WOW!!!!

I hope I didn't offend anyone with this, I hope it helped you in some small way, maybe even open your eyes and heart to let go as well. To not be so hard on yourself, to open yourself up to loving your body no matter what shape and size it is. There is a reason for it, a reason you are who you are even if you don't know why, it doesn't matter. Bless yourself and every part of your body every day.

I bless you!!!!

this is me at age 2. It helps me to see just how small I was and nothing was my fault.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • JIBBIE49
    1881 days ago
    Wow, Jetta, darling, you are so strong to forgive your parents.......I'm crying for you, hun...but it will eventually feel so good to know you've let it all out...I've been admitting to myself things I'm very angry about, & have let some stuff go myself....
    I really feel for you....I just want to put my Motherly arms around you & hold you gently & kiss & comfort young life was spent just looking for someone to love me, & put their arms around me, and all the nasty things that go with that search.... that's one of the reasons Kevin fits the bill for me, he never ever pulls away if I need a God for your hubby....
    I know what that feels like....

    I'm sending you some loving healing, dearest girl....via AA Michael...I asked him to lift you up in his beautiful wings and let you feel the Love surround you...

    You are very courageous to talk about this with us....I feel very honoured...

    Talking about dental work, the time has come for me to go fetch my Govt voucher to get an upper denture...I am putting it off, it's just the irrational fear of finding a new dentist, the last one I picked at random wasn't very nice, I have had a lovely lady dentist at the Govt Clinic....but they make you go find your own dentist for a denture, I'm in a funk...always disliked dental work......I'll have to have a big talk with my Angels! Get them to pick one for me...
    Sending much Love & Light, darling Jetta...I hope you are feeling a little better. Be kind to yourself now...
    Love Sylvia xoxoxo

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

    1892 days ago

    Comment edited on: 4/19/2013 2:03:34 AM
    It is amazing how spirit moves and had you known all that would be revealed you may not have gone. Let it be gone for good now emoticon
    1895 days ago
    1896 days ago
    It must have been a horrible yet releasing day. None of it was your fault and it is good that you get it out without the anger that eats you up. You had probably secretly thought you were not good enough to lose the weight and the burdon of that memory was dragging you down. Now that it is out and let loose you can finally heal inside and out.
    We all do or say something that weighs on us for a long time tearing at our minds and soul like acid washing away a little at a time. Many for no good reason. You could not even know that it was wrong because you were too little. Many blessing on you and peace can now be stronger.
    1896 days ago
    Wow, Jetta. You have endured so much. Just having oral surgery alone is traumatic, but paired with horrific childhood abuse memories, it seems almost unbearable. But, look at made it through with the help of folks who love you dearly. That includes, as you know, this online community. You truly are an inspiration to us all, my friend. Peace be with you always.
    1896 days ago
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