Its time to get serious. I'm dedicated. I'm using my old methods. I'm focused.
I was listening to an old podcast the other day and I was reminded about the short, midterm, and long term goal strategy.
Here is my current status:
I am heavier.
I will weigh on May 1.
I do have a short term contract (much thanks to my Dad). yeah me!
I have fixed many of the issues with the house. We have one more bathroom to complete (just some tile to do).
Short term goals:
This month: Really the big goal is to get back in the good habits. The results will come when they come.
Eat home cooked food
calories, aim for 1200-1300 per day
in AM after small snack 5x/week.
, tai chi, or pilattes in PM before bed, every other day.
Nightly meditation before bed
Home: Get that tile done.
Mid term: clear the weeds
in the yard. Its a very tough job, 6 acres worth. I have to watch out for snakes and wear good work boots. I need to do bug bombs in the garage.
Professional: Get this contract
done and out the door.
Goal for the rest of the year:
Health: Lose the 30 lbs I gained back
. I want to get to 180 or less by the end of the year. I would love to see 170.
Complete a 5k.
I haven't been running as much, maybe that has been part of my weight gain.
Sigh, I have run into one of those darn issues with a friend again. The same one. Telling me she doesn't want me to lose weight, that I look bad. But the truth is she has an issue with skinny people. When she was young, a fat person was nice to her and a skinny person was mean. So now if I lose weight she doesn't like it. And, well, I just don't give a
. Get over it. Seriously. I have cut her out of my life before. I will just fade into the sunset again
. Its a real load of nonsense. Frankly, I hate it, and it makes me mad
. So there, I said it. I am going to do a meditation
to release her from my life. Those meditations may not make her disappear but they will make it so that I just don't care what she says. I don't care so much but I won't be carrying 'I'm mad at you' vibes, I will just utterly not give two shakes of a rat's tail
Incidentally, I have the most supportive Mom ever
. She came to talk to me before I went to bed
. She told me that I didn't have to listen (she was there for that whole ridiculous conversation.) that she would support me. That it didn't matter if she couldn't or my brother couldn't lose weight. That I was to go for it no matter what. That she would help me.
I have read 'Ultra Marathon Man' by Dean Karnazes. I know its funny to not be able to run a mile but to read an ultra book. Its way extreme. I thought it was fun to read about Western States 100 because its very close to my home. They finish in Auburn CA, about 25 miles from my home. I would never run a race that was more than 8 hours. I think that would be too much for me because I need to rest. But, its an interesting read. Dean asks and answers a question that everybody asks: 'Why?' For me, I like to be outside and to experience the countryside up close and personal. In a car, I miss a lot that I see on foot. I know that because I like to hike/jog my neighborhood. Its between 2 and 4 miles in my loop. We live in a rural area which has a very pastoral look to it. There are wild turkeys, owls, hawks, sometimes a bald eagle pair, ducks, geese, gray herons, and egrets. We see foxes (cute!) and coyotes (scary!). I wouldn't know that road nearly as well as I do if I hadn't run it. I know every dip and every rise. I know the sheep. I know the horses, the donkeys, and the pet miniature ram (he is a rescue). None of them belong to me. Not a one, but I know them just the same. I don't know that running gives me purpose, but it did clear my head, slim my waistline, and open my eyes to the beauty around me.
I do suffer from sadness
. I worry about the world being an ugly place. I worry about what happens to children, girls, boys, and women too. I read the headlines and my heart weeps
. I wonder if life is worth living at all, or if I should do a prayer to release all of their souls from this terrible world. Its not that I wish them death, just shelter from harm. Running helps me to see that something, just maybe a bird
or a butterfly is not all harrowing and horrible.
In 'Night Mother' one of the things that the daughter talks about is that even rice pudding wasn't enough to keep her from killing herself. I don't want my readers to think I will kill myself, but I have often been looking for something that was even a little bit worthwhile because otherwise I feel as though I don't even have my own 'pudding'. I ask myself, 'Is there anything at all worth living for?' Especially when I know what happens to people. I know. I'm not ignorant. I haven't even always been innocent. I have made mistakes. I have learned from them. I have let much of that go. But, I am troubled by crime because I find it hard to justify living in spite of it. The character of the daughter is Jessie. The mother is Thelma. I saw a production of it at school when I was 13 years old. At the end, the drama team used a book instead of a gun shot to simulate the sound. I thought my heart
had stopped. It felt so real to me. I had struggled with, not so much suicide, but life as worthy since I was 8 years old. I recognized a fellow traveler on that psychological continuum, on that bell shaped curve. I realized how you could go from how I felt to actually killing yourself. I wasn't interested, but I was frightened.
I was frightened until I died (not of my own hand) in a simple doctor's procedure. I reacted to an injection. I died. I discovered that I did exist without my body. I also discovered that who we are doesn't change, I didn't forget who I was. Whatever troubles the soul in life, troubles you beyond death as well. That experience taught me not to associate death with some sort of escape hatch. If you are troubled, you are troubled, its not the mere fact of living that troubles you. If you are crushed by sadness, it won't leave you upon death. So, now I know that suicide is a snare and a delusion. Its not a solution (unless one is held captive, I suppose.) You will be no more fulfilled in death than you are now. The only thing is you will be without a body, which is incredibly frustrating. I don't recommend it.
Whoa: thats a heavy subject for the Spark. But, you know what? Life is heavy in many ways and often manifests itself on the scale. Its not that I need to pretend that life is hunky dorey all the time, but I do need to focus on happy things. Without them I could drown in sad. So, instead, I go outside.