200,000-249,999 SparkPoints 226,575

I'm at the crossroads right now as I type...

Thursday, April 11, 2013

*Warning* Venting and food porn! But also in dire need of encouragement.

I brought the medical bills to work since its easier to call and figure out the current $ due with a live person on the line, right? The amount due was much higher than in the past, or even 6 months ago. Wow our insurance has really pooped out since January of this year. First is was the prescriptions of mine that they simply no longer covered (ok, we will deal with that). But now I need to pay over $600.00 for some minor pain treatment in February.

This doesn't even capture the $ due for the past two surgeries (at the end of February and then 2 weeks ago). And we just paid (err, charged) a tremendous amount of $ for installing air conditioning last week (which is STILL leaking and will be fixed soon, but stilllllll!), and I am (still) in yucky pain.
Does this mean that I am paying a lot of money out of pocket to NOT feel any better and NOT be in a chilly-cool living room at home? Uh huh.

Ack! And we have to still do our own taxes. Blerrrrrg!!! We owe too. Gosh, will we ever NOT owe? Bro-ther!

So I want salt and fat and gooey things laced with butter. I want those burned edge bits of the brownie pan AND the gooey pudding-like center of the brownie pan too. Gotta be honest.
And I need to be even more honest and say that while I plan to make it through tonight by eating healthfully (darn it!), I already hear my inner brat whispering in my ear. She is telling me that if I survive tonight, I can certainly 'feel' this cruddy stress all over again tomorrow, and emo eat then in vain attempts to stuff it down, literally and figuratively.
Yeah, it's there, in my noggin.
But I don't want to.
Even though mentally I am looking down that road of marshmallow creme and cookie dough dreams, my feet are pointed in the opposite direction; on that road back to healthier choices; ESPECIALLY when stressed out and feeling anxiety of what my illness is costing us financially. Because that is the path and road I WANT to follow. I need to help myself in the areas that I do have control over since my disease is out of my control. Good choices with food, more times than not. Much more rest to counteract the zzz's that my EM robs me of, etc.
I keep telling my inner brat that 'my thoughts do not define me'. They don't, right? At least they shouldn't. I don't HAVE to allow them to do so.I don't HAVE to be defeated, right?

Do any of you experience that moment of standing at the crossroads - Where your triggers try to dictate who you are? I'm there. It's not where I want to be. But even as my feet are pointed in the direction to which I want to go, I have not started walking forward yet. Come one feet! Move it!

'Nuff said
Share This Post With Others
Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Sweetie, I hear you! I am late responding because I just got here to your page..by mistake, but I think it is where I was suppose to be! This day was awful with disability woes for my husband...he just got approved for long term disability the end of March and already he is being reviewed...endless insurance forms, and no real answers regarding his mystery illness that has caused black outs, seizures, falling, shaking, etc. I, too, am on disability! I am the only one of us that can drive...he helps me get to the car, and once where we need to be, mostly Dr appts, he pushes me around in the wheel chair! That is if he has a good day and we can even go out! I think I just needed to spit this out today! I feel blessed we have good insurance, but that was in jeopardy with his medical leave and getting approval for disability...and it feels threatened again!
    I hope you can feel better, get help, and get help with your debt!
    You are in my thoughts and prayers!
    Love & Hugs,

    2167 days ago

    Comment edited on: 5/13/2013 8:04:07 PM
    I'm right there with you! I'm trying so hard to behave. I went to the mall yesterday and skipped an entire level so I wouldn't pass my favorite bakery. The owner always asks me if I want the crisp edge or the gooey center of the brownie. emoticon Boy, do I know whatcha mean!

    Medical bills? Don't go there. I literally have to pick and choose what doctor/lab/specialist I'm going to visit each month. It's like picking out of a hat. Jeesh....

    I don't owe any taxes but H & R Block charged us almost $400 to complete ours. emoticon Needless to say, the papers are STILL in their office....

    Hang in there, my friend. emoticon
    2190 days ago
    My inner brat wants me to do many unhealthy things. Thanks for ways to put her in line!

    2197 days ago
    There are times when I sit around on my personal little pity pot, feeling sorry for myself because I can't be "normal". I'm not normal when it comes to eating, I'm not normal when it comes to drinking, and in so many other ways. I get frustrated, I get angry and I just don't want to do this anymore.
    And then God makes sure that I end up on your page and happily find a new message from you. So I can realize just what my life is really like.
    You are, without a doubt, one of the bravest, funniest, coolest human beings I have ever had the good luck to come to know. I sometimes wonder how you do it. But I also know that you couldn't be anybody but who you are.
    I really wish that there were something I could do to make it better for you. With all my heart.
    You have all the support and love I can send with these words.
    You are strong, you will do what you know you need to, to be the best you that you can be.
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

    2198 days ago
    When you say "inner brat" I'm immediately seeing an image of a little girl lying on the ground, pounding fists and feet, raging because she can't have what she wants. And you know why she's so tantrum-y? Because you're NOT going to give in to her! You're going to tell her that you have more to worry about than what she wants, and that she needs to hush up and behave or she gets nothing from Santa this year (that always freaks kids out, right?)!

    Seriously, though, I'm sorry to hear that you're being bogged down with internal struggles and external financial stuff. I tend to hold to the belief that everything happens for a reason and that we're never given more than we can handle--even if it seems like the opposite while those things we have to handle are happening! You are one of the strongest, most resilient people I've come across ever and I have no doubt that you'll get through everything you need to emoticon . You know that you have an extended family to turn to here at SP!

    2198 days ago
    Stay strong my warrior friend!
    (That is my nick name for you from now on) in case
    you have not figured that out yet.

    2198 days ago
    Really really sorry to hear

    emoticon emoticon
    2198 days ago
    I'm so sorry you have to deal with so much financial stress right now, in addition to the pain of your disease. Way to blog it all out! After reading your post, I think having your feet pointing in the right direction is a major victory. Take time to feel proud of that accomplishment. Your inner brat might be loud and persistent, but I know you can block her out. Turn up the music, drink some cold water out of a pretty wine glass, and look at pictures of those amazing Lucy Capris you're going to reward yourself with.
    emoticon emoticon

    2198 days ago

    Comment edited on: 4/12/2013 5:20:56 PM
  • CANNIE50
    Oh, sweet-pea. I wish I could lift these burdens from you and give you the break you so desperately need and deserve. I just don't want you to add nausea and regret to your woes. I am so proud of you for logging on, and venting, rather than just digging in and pigging out - such a healthy choice, my dear, SUCH a healthy choice.
    2199 days ago
    Oh, I am so sorry to hear of your medical woes. I was in therapy for my wrist a while back and when I saw the bill for a splint they made for me, I was outraged ($650.00) and I was told it had a life expectancy of 6 months.

    Don't grab that sugary, fatty, salty food as it will only make you feel worse. Stay strong!
    2199 days ago
    Everyday we all have to deal with problems serious or not. I have been at that crossroads and still fighting emotional eating. I am at the beginning of my journey and my emotional ups and downs make me hear the same voice which tells me to give in to temptation and when I do I have one more thing to make me feel worse. Nothing is solved by eating a brownie. It will only make you feel guilty and angry at yourself that you didn't have the strength to resist and then you will consider yourself a failure. Do you want this? No! You are stronger than you think and clever enough not to give in to your inner voice. Move forward! This is the only way to make you feel better! Guaranteed! emoticon emoticon
    2199 days ago
    I'd like to suggest you take a good look at the break between writing about your finances and then saying 'SO I want salt and fat and butter...'. Because it is not really all that logical a transiation, is it?
    You REALLY want to be free from the financial stuff, right?
    And yes I know about that crossroads. You don't really want the brownies, you want to feel better. Are there other things besides eating a brownie that could make you feel better? Even if it's just going for a walk?

    One thing that has helped me is to pick ONE of my trigger foods and say that 'I can have it' - but not now, once I feel better / once I'm hungry / once I'm no longer longing for it just because I want to drown out other feelings and thoughts. So you can tell yourself you CAN have it - but postpone having it. If you can postpone it chances are by the time you 'can' have it, you no longer want it so badly. And if you do and have it, at least you've spent more time NOT overeating.
    2199 days ago

    Comment edited on: 4/12/2013 3:45:29 AM
    Think about how you'll feel afterwards in case you choose the wrong road. The inner brat will have silenced but your conscious self, the one that wants you to be driven by your sensible choices and not by your thoughts will have been infuriated and will be mad at you! Do you want to be mad at yourself and guilty for letting your thoughts and your emotions take control? Of course not. So, make the first tiny step towards the right road and your feet will follow.
    You can do this! You're sooo strong!
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2199 days ago
    emoticon emoticon
    Crappity! Here's the deal. you logged on, vented and that alone will help some you will see. What you need are sleep and endorphins. I try to ask myself if I will ever encounter the same type of problems again when I am stressed. If the answer is yes, then I think about how I want to proceed now and in the future. Bills and health never seem to be completely off the radar........Sometimes I am successful and sometimes I blow it but good for you for doing something healthy in the form of a SP vent!
    2199 days ago
    Oh yea I hear you! First, medical bills...tell the hospital you cannot pay it. that this balance is your portion and you cannot pay. Ask to apply form the charity care. Every hospital has it. They will send you some forms, fill it out and send it back. The debt may be forgiven. Taxes will also take payments. The prescription may have a discount with the manufacturer...check the internet,

    Food is tougher. But. O matter how many brownies you eat, you won't feel better. Believe me, cookies and I go way back and it never helps. For long a anyway. Go get some water and some popcorn. You will be OK. Hugs my friend.
    2199 days ago
  • no profile photo DHLPRT
    My life has been like that for the last 2 years. One thing after another..that's why I'm just a step away from 200 lbs. They keep telling me it is going to get better. I have to believe that. You made me feel better knowing I am not the only one that's just trying to make it one day at a time...
    2199 days ago
  • HEYNOW22
    You are right - thoughts do not define you - you are stressed and probalby have in the past turned to food in stressful situations - the thoughts are a natural response for you - Just in being able to see that those thoughts are a reaction and stopping to think before grabbing that unhealthy food is a sign of progress!! you got this you are stronger than you know!!!
    2199 days ago
  • Add Your Comment to the Blog Post

    Log in to post a comment

    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.