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Time to Get Off of the Fence

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Thursday, April 11, 2013

Today is day ONE of my streak!

Yes, I fell off the wagon and had to start my streak over again. There's no shame in that at all, though. I'm not perfect, and I would never waste my time trying to be. There will always be slip ups along the way, even when I eventually reach my goal size and start maintenance. But as long as I keep getting back on the wagon and not giving up on myself, I know I will make progress!

Speaking of progress...well, to be honest, I haven't been making as much progress lately. And the main reason for that falls right on my own shoulders. I have been sabotaging myself left and right! I haven't had a full out binge, thank goodness. But I've been eating too much. Not enough to gain, but just enough to keep me from losing. My clothes still fit the same. Its been a while since I've had a WOW moment where something that used to be too tight suddenly fits me. And its been a while since I've really felt motivated to exercise.

Don't get me wrong...I haven't skipped any of my workouts. In spite of not feeling like doing it, I've still worked out, and once I get into the workout, I love it. (And I especially love how good I feel when I'm done! I love that sense of pride I get after I finish a workout.) But my motivation to eat right and exercise is almost completely non-existent. I just tell myself every day to "Fake it until you make it", and then I push myself to do it. So I guess that probably counts as progress, because the OLD ME would have just given up at this point, and gained all the weight back.

I'm not going to do that. I've worked too hard to give up now. I don't ever want to go back to being the old me, ever again. I want to keep pushing, and I want to reach my goal.So what is holding me back? What is it that is keeping me stuck right here, halfway to goal?

I've written about this in my personal journal, and I've come to a realization; I don't know who I am anymore. Does that sound stupid or strange? Maybe it does, but its true. I don't know who Pixie is, or who Pixie is going to be at goal.

I am going to turn 52 at the end of the month. I've never really thought that age mattered, but now that I'm about to turn 52, I suddenly feel like a grown up. (Took me long enough to grow up, eh?) Not only am I getting older, but I'm getting smaller, which is good. But its like there is just TOO much change going on. Who is this smaller, older woman? Who is this woman who has started to wear makeup and jewelry? I wonder if I look silly, or if I look like I'm trying too hard to look halfway decent. Am I too old for long hair now? Are these clothes "too young" for me?

In the past year, I've lost 71 lbs, gotten fitter and healthier and firmer...I've stopped binge eating and I've started eating healthy....I've stopped sitting around all day and I've started working out. I do DDP Yoga, I do kettlebell workouts, and I walk a LOT. I'm proud of myself for the changes I've made, but I'm scared to go any further.

Right now, it feels like I'm straddling the fence...halfway between the old me, and halfway between who I'm going to be. So its just as easy to go in one direction as it is the other. I could easily go back to the old me...obese, housebound, invisible, ignored. No one looked at me, and no one expected anything of me.

Or I can go to the new me...whoever she is. Thats pretty scary, but I am going to do it. I am going to get off the fence and come down on the side where the new me is waiting. I'm going to stop sabotaging myself by eating too much. I may not completely know who Pixie at 52 is, but I do know this about her; she is going to be fit, healthy, strong, and she is going to reach her goal size!

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Change is hard and staying the same is hard. I like your choice to move on to the new you.
    1838 days ago
    You are on target again with so many of us out here. You have a gift of putting things in perspective. I some times wondering if you are in my head, haha Today I won't just fade away, even though I am not doing everything I need to be doing. Because of your sharing; I WON'T JUST QUIT!!!! THANK YOU emoticon
    1838 days ago
    wow, this is profound. Thanks for posting. You're amazing!
    1838 days ago
    Change is hard and going out of your comfort zone is even scarier. I think you are doing awesome and can't wait to see how far you get....
    1838 days ago
    Do I ever understand what you are saying! Change is hard and getting old can be scary and hiding out can feel safe and easy. You can do this. Change is good, especially when you are participating in your life and enjoying it! Keep it up and you will reap the rewards.
    1838 days ago
    You are going to do it and you inspire all of us along the way. Isn't it exciting that you don't know who you are going to be at the end? Day 1---you are on it!!!
    1838 days ago
    Stepping out of your comfort zone is scary. That's why so many of us, myself included, find that we are sabotaging ourselves, either consciously or unconsciously. I'm glad you've decided to go for it, not be afraid of change and the future, and to grab on to it with both hands!
    I'm going to be 53 in a couple months, and I also don't know what I want to do or be when I grow up (I've always had long hair, and so do many older celebrities, so if you want to grow your hair long, just do it! Who cares what other's think!)! Time to give up being a caterpillar and embrace the butterfly within!
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1838 days ago

    Comment edited on: 4/11/2013 10:40:37 AM
    It can be strange to change who you are in the middle of getting older. I mean, if we were always like this - embracing healthy living - we would be the same. But no - we get older (and hopefully wiser) and we start to realize the importance of good health. All of a sudden you not only have to struggle with the changes that getting older brings - but all of a sudden you find yourself doing yoga poses - jumping on a trampoline - jogging - falling in love with a FitBit - just insert whatever your passion is here. I don't know - I find it invigorating to find this stronger - sexier me. The one that has been hiding for so long - I didn't even know she existed. I wish she was there all along - that she had a time to triumph way before my hair started turning gray. However, I'm so glad she IS HERE - I am going to embrace her - and I am not going to lose her again.

    You're a beautiful woman - Pixie - inside and out. I'm sure anyone who has been reading your blog posts would agree. While who you become may not yet be determined - who you are is pretty awesome. There's nowhere but up to go from here. Keep striving - keep struggling - and know that there are many more amazing things to come. In the meantime - just try to set and reset your goals. Try to listen to yourself - understand yourself. What motivates you? How can you trick yourself into doing more? How/what can you improve? The next step is up to you - and there is nothing but more adventure at your feet. Can't wait to see what changes this year will bring!

    1838 days ago
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