todays appointment with my counsellor

Tuesday, April 09, 2013

I had an appointment with my counsellor today. It was very emotional. I am a bit embarrassed cause I broke down crying uncontrollably. Even though I was so emotional it felt good to let it all out I have been holding on to it far to long. I told my counsellor that I feel unwanted. Do you know what it feels like to feel unwanted I mean really unwanted. It's not a very nice feeling let me tell you. As bad as it feels I was finally able to put into words what it is that I feel. I realize that I have felt unwanted all my life. That is why I feel like I don't fit in anywhere. I also feel abandoned, ashamed, rejected, like a failure etc. Even though I feel like crap in way I feel good cause I finally know what that dark feeling is deep deep deep deep deep deep down inside. Today I made a small break through and I can honestly say that I am proud of that.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Feeling unwanted is a feeling we should not have to have and yet some of us do. Admitting it , Confronting it, Dealing with it and then Accepting it and Moving on. Please know your worth every step you need to take to make you healthy. You should be proud that you could cry and get this feeling out, talking about it , blogging about .. WOW are those things you should be proud of .. IT took a very STRONG person ( YOU ) to be able to do those things. Crying proves you're strong enough to admit how you feel. you're strong enough to let those feelings out. YOU ARE STRONG enough to complete your journey.. one step , one day at a time.

    Sunshine you are SPECIAL... emoticon emoticon

    p.s I added you as my new emoticon .
    2171 days ago
    Hello, there, sunshine. Remember, you named yourself sunshine. I read your earlier posts. I am also very proud of you for recognizing the courage in speaking your feelings today.

    You said you hid beneath the covers and didn't want to come out earlier. Now you need to speak your feelings at home, too because in at least one post you said they called you names. Try to focus on being calm about it, if you can, but firm. Say, "I deserve to be treated with respect," to yourself every morning when you wake up. Treat others with simple courtesy and EXPECT the same from them. If someone cusses at you or calls you names or otherwise behaves disgracefully towards you, don't reward their poor behavior with the answer they expect.

    I don't know how bad it is at home. I don't know if it is so bad you need to go somewhere else or if repeatedly saying "Please call me by my real name" and "It's too noisy here. I'll come back later" will help you.

    I've been in some bad relationships - and known other women who have been in them. Most of us also know people who because of hard financial issues stayed at home waaaaay too long, with parents who saw them as weak for not having the financial success they did when they were younger. Sometimes it works to stay at home. Usually it doesn't, whether the bad feelings come from physical or emotional abuse. You sounded very, very down the other day, like you were considering serious harm to yourself. If your situation is that bad because of how others are making you feel, think very hard about your living situation.

    As Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make us feel bad without our permission."

    I don't know where you live, but your church or counselor probably knows of something like Womenspace that can help you with resources. You may have other family members or friends who may be able to take you in for a few weeks or a month.

    Or maybe I read your last blog wrong and all you need is to assert yourself a little more at home.

    Whatever it is, dear, please do it. God Bless. We love you and we've got your back. Post another blog here whenever you want more support. We'll be here.
    2171 days ago

    Comment edited on: 4/10/2013 12:33:19 PM
  • COOKIE_AT_51
    So glad you let it all out! emoticon Hopefully you and your counselor can get to the reason behind those feelings. Hang in there emoticon emoticon Keep coming here to vent your thoughts ... We are here for you!
    2172 days ago
    Thanks for the support everyone it means a lot. I am glad I have all of you on my side. emoticon
    2172 days ago
    emoticon job,
    2172 days ago
    Wow, Tanya - you really made this a special, memorable day - one you won't forget! Good for you! I know it must've taken a lot of courage to be so open with your counselor, but you're really going to start having some real healing take place now. There's something almost magical about naming - and getting out - those feelings you described. It's a lot like lancing a boil - when that sore is opened up, all the infection can be drained away.

    And so I believe it is with painful, long-stored emotions, too. Watch and see if you don't start to emerge from these miserable feelings now and become the real you! emoticon
    2172 days ago
    You should be proud about confronting the pain. Now that you can speak of it and name it, you can begin to take it apart and examine it with the help of your counselor. Piece by piece. There is still hard work ahead, but you've made an important step. I'm happy for you.

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2172 days ago

    Comment edited on: 4/9/2013 8:17:28 PM
    I am so proud of you that you managed to make that huge leap and actually verbalize to your counselor how you have felt. I know it must have taken some courage for you to do it!

    BIG hugs,
    2172 days ago
    Really good work you did today, facing your hardest thing to admit. I am sure the counselor has seen many many people cry, no shame in that! You are a valuable human being who has great worth, whether or not anyone has ever told you that. You are a miracle! We limit ourselves by believeing what others tell us (or don't tell us.) Good for you for seeking counselling, and unburdening yourself to him or her. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2172 days ago
  • 02SERENE
    emoticon emoticon It is by getting in touch with how we really feel that we can grow. Painful process at times but well worth it. It looks from what you wrote that you had a breakthrough. You are wanted and needed.
    2172 days ago
    I am very glad you went to your counselor and told her(him?) the burden on your heart!
    2172 days ago
    I am glad I read your blog because I could really relate to what you wrote. I translated the messages I got from my parents into that I didn't deserve to be loved - wasn't loveworthy. I have lived much of my life (now 61), making some bad choices in partners as a result and feeling alienated. I finally realized this is not on me, but on the "rejecters". They don't get to define our worth.
    I am also so glad you are getting some help with this. Don't ever be ashamed of crying. You are working through things that would make anyone cry. You are on the way to feeling much better.

    2172 days ago
    emoticon Please don't feel ashamed about crying, I'm sure the counsellor has had many, many patients do that. By letting out all your feelings, it helps them to know how to best help you. You've reached out for help, and that is something to be proud of! And by sharing your experiences, your are helping others too, that maybe need some help but have been afraid to ask.
    2172 days ago
    I am so proud of you that you are doing what you need to be happier. It will take time - but this is definitely a step in the right direction. Don't worry - I really doubt you will be the first or the last person to cry in front of them. It is so good that you let yourself do it - that you let some of that pain out. You are not unwanted - you are important - and no matter what life throws at you - I care about you and how you are doing.

    The good news is - letting those feelings out - finding words for them - instead of keeping them secret and allowing them to eat at you - is so freeing. It is not easy - but it WILL help you to fill the spaces those thoughts used to fill with thoughts of how valuable you really are - and YOU ARE.

    I am very proud of you that you took this important step - that you did it for YOU. By the way - you may think you fail every time you try something - but you promised yourself that you would blog at least a little every day - just wanted to point out that you have done so for 3 straight days! Way to go!

    Another thing I want to point out is your last sentence - "I am proud of that." You deserve to feel that way at all times - no matter if you make a mistake or you don't achieve all that you hope that day.

    I hope you continue to strive to do what is right for you - to fill your heart and your mind with healthy and confirming thoughts - that you deserve better - that you are worth a whole heck of a lot - and you are valuable to others.

    Keep up the great work!

    2172 days ago
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