Stinking thinking

Just talked to my OA-friend and we both admit that we have a vary hard time to accept ourselves as okay.

Yesterday I ate over my calorie range - which immedeately started the inner voice about me again being a failure. And the alterate fasting says that I can swim in lasagna on the day I am eating if I want to, the method is to eat one day, fast one day (=fast being etaing under 500 calories) So I am good. But that is not want my innervoice is telling me it keeps nagging that it is denial, that I have cheated that I wll not make it. And somehow I think I have to "start over" - like with sober days. I have been sober eight years but if I had a bottle of wine for dinner I would have to start from skratch and count days again, and the eight years would be gone... that is okay in AA as it is part of the program to get madals and if I want a medal it is for consistant soberness.

In OA it is called abstinence and you can choose your own abstinence. I have for the rest of april chosen that my abstinence is that I eat one day, fast one day etc. And it is interesting to see how my demons try to make me feel bad about myself.

As I was closing tabs on my I-pads this morning I came upon a film that my daughter has posted on You-tube. I found her account and discovered she has posted about six cuts so far, very ego and teenager childish but I can see progress and there was nothing wrong with them. It is also kind of natural that she wants her friends to be able to see her cuts when she starts making more advanced films with integrated music. As she has not told me she put them up I guess she does not want me to see them - and I would not mind keeping it secret because then I could sort of follow silently as long as it is as innocent as it is. The risk I am taking in telling her is that she finds a way to put up anther account on a name I can´t find... but I will tell her and also tell her that however secret she try to be there is always a risk that I will stumble on it - because I want her to realise that she should never put something on the net that she would be embarrased if her mother saw...