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Stinking thinking

Monday, April 08, 2013

Just talked to my OA-friend and we both admit that we have a vary hard time to accept ourselves as okay.

Yesterday I ate over my calorie range - which immedeately started the inner voice about me again being a failure. And the alterate fasting says that I can swim in lasagna on the day I am eating if I want to, the method is to eat one day, fast one day (=fast being etaing under 500 calories) So I am good. But that is not want my innervoice is telling me it keeps nagging that it is denial, that I have cheated that I wll not make it. And somehow I think I have to "start over" - like with sober days. I have been sober eight years but if I had a bottle of wine for dinner I would have to start from skratch and count days again, and the eight years would be gone... that is okay in AA as it is part of the program to get madals and if I want a medal it is for consistant soberness.

In OA it is called abstinence and you can choose your own abstinence. I have for the rest of april chosen that my abstinence is that I eat one day, fast one day etc. And it is interesting to see how my demons try to make me feel bad about myself.

As I was closing tabs on my I-pads this morning I came upon a film that my daughter has posted on You-tube. I found her account and discovered she has posted about six cuts so far, very ego and teenager childish but I can see progress and there was nothing wrong with them. It is also kind of natural that she wants her friends to be able to see her cuts when she starts making more advanced films with integrated music. As she has not told me she put them up I guess she does not want me to see them - and I would not mind keeping it secret because then I could sort of follow silently as long as it is as innocent as it is. The risk I am taking in telling her is that she finds a way to put up anther account on a name I canĀ“t find... but I will tell her and also tell her that however secret she try to be there is always a risk that I will stumble on it - because I want her to realise that she should never put something on the net that she would be embarrased if her mother saw...

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Take a deep breath ~ remember to breathe and drink water.

    2436 days ago
    Be strong!
    2438 days ago
    Maybe it helps if you count how many fasting and nonfasting days you still have to go in April. It might make you realize that you still have many chances to 'do it right'.
    Best of luck!
    2438 days ago
    I too am glad my kids are grown. I tried facebook and didn't stay long; too much information! Most of my grandkids are on and I leave the monitoring to their parents. Be well.
    2438 days ago
    2438 days ago
    Ah those little voices, emoticon are horrible, don't you think?
    Nagging little buggers. Lets turn our deaf ear to them. emoticon

    I am so glad my girls are grown, with all the stuff on line these days
    I think I would be monitoring 24/7 emoticon
    Be Good and have a great week.
    2438 days ago
  • DEBRA0818
    I feel the same way when I'm following a diet -- one deviation from the plan and my heart sinks to my toes because I know I'm about to fail absolutely.

    But, in a certain sense, I'm starting over each day because in OA I take it one day at a time. The starting over may or may not involve a fresh start, but I believe it helps me not to think of myself as failing if I slip or even fall. Instead, I accept whatever happens as part of the learning experience as I progress to my goal. For example, I follow a 3-0-1 plan with moderate and balanced portions of food. Without restricting or making myself diet, I'm ending up at around 1,500-1,700 calories per day which is enough for weight loss for me. Part of being able to freely choose my food at each meal (as long as it's balanced and moderate) means that occasionally the calorie count will go outside or under that range, but it doesn't seem to matter, as I'm still losing weight (and I have a lot to lose).
    2438 days ago
    I am so glad I raised my children before the age of the internet! It is so wise of you to keep dialog open and help her stay safe on the internet.
    2438 days ago
  • CAMAEL100
    I relate to feeling bad if I have a bad day. I actually feel like I have put on a huge amount of weight just after one day of overeating or eating the wrong things.

    How is the alternate day fast going? I have read about it. I have been experimenting a bit with intermittent fasting but am not consistent!
    2438 days ago
    It might help if you could stop counting calories! I am someone who rapidly gets obsessed with calorie counting, and the guilt involved in eating too many or even not enough, affects my mental health. So on my non fast days, I use three of the four golden rules of Paul McKenna. I eat what I like, I eat consciously, and I stop as soon as I'm full. I also only eat once a day, in one meal whether I'm fasting or not. I haven't weighed myself, (another embryo obsession) so I've no idea if it's working, but I feel well, I don't get hungry, and I'm quite positive in outlook.
    2438 days ago
  • DSJB9999
    Oh it can be 'challenging' to be a parent can't it!
    Especially on the Internet I think you are wise to advise her to keep herself safe too on the web.

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2438 days ago
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