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Late Night Funnies

Friday, April 05, 2013

Top Ten Things We Will Miss About Jay Leno

10. Whenever he used a "Headline" I sent in, I got a "Tonight Show" T-shirt
9. Now I'm the only guy in late night television who's not a Jimmy
8. He looks damn good in denim
7. Driving one of his antique fire trucks
6. Playful spats with Gelman
5. If you broke down on the freeway, Jay was always there to help with a camera crew
4. Can't remember the name of the bit, but it's the one where Jay is walking
3. He's mom's favorite talk show host
2. I won't be able to do this anymore (Dave does Leno impression)
1. Watching him interview big stars who won't do this show

-David Letterman

Top Ten Questions to Ask Yourself Before Traveling with Your Monkey

10. "When was my last tetanus shot?"
9. "Would it be easier to FedEx the monkey?"
8. "Why didn't I think of this sooner?"
7. "Should I take my monkey out of school for this?"
6. "Are we visiting countries that consider monkey a delicacy?"
5. "Isn't this the premise of every disease-outbreak movie?"
4. "Will other travelers mind the smell of monkey?"
3. "Should my monkey and I just take a staycation?"
2. "Do I have my monkey's allergy medicine?"
1. "Germany is welcoming to monkeys, right?"

-David Letterman

The Supreme Court heard arguments on the constitutionality of same-sex marriage. It could be a major blow for those who believe that marriage should be between two bitterly and eventually overweight people of the opposite sex. -Jimmy Kimmel

Happy birthday to retired Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor. She’s 83 years old today. And listen to this: In a 5-4 decision, the Supreme Court wished her a happy birthday. -Conan O'Brien
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