Friday, April 05, 2013
I can't believe how supportive you all have been! Thank you so much. I really appreciate all of the kind things you've had to say. Is it odd that complete strangers are able to make me feel better than long-time friends? Everyone's different, I guess. I just love the camaraderie of the people on this site. I don't even know how you found my blog or why you choose to read it, but thank you again for all of your kindness!
I'm doing better today. Trivia night went exactly as planned food-wise. I had my bowl of soup and one slice of pizza and a bunch of water. My mother ordered mozzarella sticks, which is one of my FAVORITE things! And everyone shared them, except me. I can't believe I passed up a mozzarella stick. There was one left all night long. It just sat there and they ended up boxing it up with the one slice of pizza that was left (there's enough pizza for us to each have 2 slices so the only leftovers were basically because of me). She told me she was proud of me and can tell the difference. I can tell the difference in the way I look a little. But the big change for me is in how I FEEL. Apparently, I can see mozzarella sticks, or bagels, or donuts, or pizza and pass them up now. (Wednesday night was pizza night at my gym. They have my favorite carryout pizza too. I saw it and thought, yum! free dinner. But then I thought better and went home and had my regular dinner.)
I've learned that I can't give in to every special occasion. Bagels appear at work pretty often. I just had a birthday. It was just Easter. Today they had a Tigers' Opening Day party at work and had a Coney truck supply us with free lunch. I can't believe I did not participate. My Dad's birthday is coming up and my brother's birthday is a month later. There is ALWAYS an excuse to splurge. Every Thursday I see my parents for trivia and pizza. And every Sunday they take me out to breakfast after church. It all adds up.
So, now I'm pickier about which special occasions I partake in, and how much I splurge. I've already figured out how to include my Trivia Night antics safely into my week. I just have to play it right. The soup and a slice is satisfying too... it's not like I'm starving myself. I'm just not eating food for the sake of it's tastiness. Today, I avoided being anywhere near that Coney truck while it was at the building. Sure it was free food and it would have tasted good, but I require nutritional value from the foods I eat these days. And hot dogs and french fries and potato chips just don't cut it. I must admit, I did have an ice cream sandwich. It's been a while and it was delicious. Totally worth the 190 calories, particularly considering that I rode my bike to work for the first time this year today. I saw the leftovers in the freezer when I refilled my ice in my water bottle and I just couldn't pass it up.
I feel a bit better about Dan today. My parents told me last night that I shouldn't give up hope. They think I scared him with my awesomeness and he might come to his senses and change his mind. In any case, if he doesn't, we all agree that one day, he'll look back and I'll be the one that got away.
Today I reactivated my eHarmony notifications and sent out a few smiles. It's a slow process. I don't really want to meet anyone else until I get some clarification from Dan. To me, that's the biggest problem with breaking up with someone over email; there's no exchange.
I did text him a little bit last night. I just told him I wanted to check on him to see how he was doing. He was nice and carried on a bit of conversation with me and told me about how he did great on a pre-qualification test at work/school. I had to keep it short because I was at trivia, but I'm thinking of attempting a chat with him tomorrow because I think it's the beginning of his weekend. I want to see if he can elaborate at all on why he thinks I'm too good for him because I really think that decision should be up to me. And I also want to ask why he said he loves me as he said goodbye. Did he say it because he thought it would make me feel better for having said it to him, or did he say it because he truly means it? Did I talk him into believing he feels the same way I do? The whole thing is so confusing. I think he was stressed about school/work and balancing me into his life. But these are things we can work through. I don't want to give up just because the timing is off. I've done that before and it sucks.
If he doesn't want to be with me because he really doesn't want to be with me, that's one thing. I can accept that. But if he loves me and he's breaking up with me because he thinks I'm too good for him and he doesn't want me to hurt him later on, then that's something we need to talk about, because that is ridiculous. He said he was going to get help. I'd like to stick around and try to support him.
I know I sound pathetic, but it really is crazy how into him I am. My feelings are just too strong to just write them off without making some kind of effort to at least make some sense of the situation for myself.
And yay. It's the weekend. I think I'm going to go over my sister's house tonight and enjoy a little buzz. My boyfriend did just break up with me, after all. That's going to kill my calorie range for the day. This is what I consider a special occasion.