JAYNINNE

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2 breakups in 1 day

Thursday, April 04, 2013

I'm so out of it today. I'm sleepy and I keep forgetting that I actually have plans to be around people tonight. It's Thursday, which means Trivia night. I have to pull myself together and make myself sociable and polite. It also means pizza and french onion soup. Last week we planned on not going, so I ate dinner, and then my parents went up for the second round and I went up too just to hang out, but I didn't eat anything and just drank a bunch of water. There was a really good looking piece of pizza that was tempting me, but I had already eaten, so I wasn't hungry. Tonight I'm going with the plan to eat there. Two weeks ago was my first time at Trivia on my meal plan and that was also the day I went a little overboard, even before going to Trivia.

I have no idea of what to expect. What I'm planning on eating still puts me in my regular calorie range, but my cravings are pretty much gone. I'm afraid if I "indulge" tonight, I'll just have to fight them back all over again.

Then again, maybe not. I also think that I'm genuinely indifferent to most things at the moment. Food, people, work... I just don't want to be bothered. Which makes no sense because I have nothing else to occupy myself with. If I don't go to trivia, I'll just sit at home and clean or do something that doesn't need to be done.

So, on Tuesday, when I went to visit Jill to cry on her shoulder and I was ticked about her cancelling our trip to the gym, I made a nasty little dig at her as I was leaving. On my birthday, she posted "Happy Birthday, Sarah Jessica Parker, you beautiful creature, you!" yet had nothing to say to me. It stung a little that she would wish someone a happy birthday who has no idea she's alive, and can so easily overlook, what I think, is a good friend. but it didn't sting too much. I actually thought it was kind of funny.

But while I was crying about losing this guy who I thought was perfect for me, she was telling me I need to focus on making myself happy and that I don't need a man in my life to be happy, and I need to be strong and if I want to meet new people I need to step out of my comfort zone. I know she was just trying to help, but it came off as really insensitive and hurtful - especially while I was already hurting. I've been doing all of those things for the past 3 years. I feel like I just can't catch a break! I keep trying and working and I have this goal that I have no idea how to work toward it. I'm just fumbling around and grasping at straws. And she tries to console me by saying she's sure I'll find someone. And I'm glad she can be sure, but that's the biggest reason I am so broken right now. I don't believe I will. Just like Beechnut doesn't really believe she can ever be thin. It like this really vague thing. Spark talks about how goals have to be Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, and Timely. How do I set a goal like that that involves the heart of someone else who I don't know even exists?

And then she cancelled the plans to go to the gym and I was actually really angry about that. Heh. My workout schedule and my meal plan are what keep me going. Don't eff with them.

So as I was leaving her house, I said "Oh and by the way, last Monday was my birthday. Which incidentally is the same day as Sarah Jessica Parker's." And then I left. She texted me and she was all pssed off and told me she's tired of being everyone's punching bag. And then she went off on how she was doing me a big favor by letting me come over because she was too tired. Yeah. Let's turn this around and make it about you. And then she told me she doesn't want to be friends anymore.

Fine. I don't care. Really. If she was tired and didn't want company, she should have told me before I came over. That's her issue. And if she can't support me when I'm down, like all the times I've been there for her, then I don't need to keep going out of my way to hang out with her.

She text-bombed me for a while and told me she was done and I didn't reply. I figured I'd just honor her wishes. It was my day for people telling me they didn't want me around anymore. My heart is elsewhere. I don't have the energy to make her feel better. Then a few hours later, she texts me while she's drinking wine and smoking a cigar and suddenly she's "calm" and telling me about how she "give too many chances" and people say she's "too nice". I think she wants to work it out. Unfortunately, she has to work it out with herself because she's the one with the problem. I did apologize for making the comment about my birthday, but she never apologized for missing my birthday. AND she never recognized that she understands the point I was trying to make.

And that point was, it was my birthday and even though I consider her a very close friend, I wouldn't expect her to remember it. But at the same time, I think it's only human to long to have someone in my life who would remember it and would be there to celebrate it with me. Someone who has my back, and I have theirs, unconditionally. She's married and she's loved by someone every day and she just doesn't get it. And she still doesn't see how telling me that I shouldn't want what I want was hurtful.

I make all the effort in that friendship, so I'm just going to let her be. Apparently she's been holding some crap against me that I had no idea about. So fine. *shrug*

I didn't love her anyway. And it just seems so petty when compared to losing some that I do.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • ROLLSTAR
    I'm sorry you you've had to go through all this! I wish I had some magic words to just make you feel better. There's a song by one of my favorite bands (Superchick) that says,
    "After all this has passed, I still will remain
    After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
    Though it won't be today, someday I'll hope again
    And there'll be beauty from pain
    You will bring beauty from my pain."
    (www.youtube.com/watch?v=
    gqBMYoctFZM)

    I just love that because it's not telling you to get over it and get out there, but that it's okay to hurt for a while, and it sucks, but later on you will be more beautiful and stronger because of it.

    It's kind of like building up your muscle!!! lol It tears and breaks down and it's hard and it hurts and your sore for a long time afterwards, but then the soreness finally goes away and you have stronger muscles. :)

    You've got this. You're strong enough to make it through these sucky times to the other side!
    1905 days ago
  • VHALKYRIE
    When things don't work out, even if it wasn't good or meant to be, always hurts. I'm so sorry that your friend wasn't there for you when you needed it.

    emoticon
    1906 days ago
  • BEECHNUT13
    Dude, you were there when I was down... I wish I lived nearby now so I could be there for you. I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better... I do know how you feel. I know you feel like sh*t.

    Jill can eff off. Whatever.

    I know you feel like you'll never find someone. But Dan is an idiot for passing you up. He had someone awesome and walked away. I know it doesn't feel good, but considering how weasley he was breaking up with you (not calling/texting for days, etc...) it's better you found out this way than when he was a coward over something more serious later. He was childish.

    You deserve better. You deserve a better guy, and you deserve better from your friends. Remember when you were so shocked a "cute guy" liked you a few summers ago? Well, pal, cute guys DO LIKE YOU. The trick isn't finding a cute guy, or a guy who can even support himself (although those guys are increasingly rare). The trick is finding a man who DESERVES SOMEONE AS AWESOME AS YOU.

    One of the problems with online dating - and I don't know this personally, but read about it, like a she-loser - is that it's like online shopping for relationships. It's like buying shoes, but paying with a piece of your heart. And so it's this choice between putting yourself out there, or guarding yourself. I don't know what to tell you. The only time I tried online dating, I ended up going out with a guy with a really high pitched voice and bad acne.

    As for friends, I'll talk to you, pal. And though it's hard for me to get out with the kids, you are always welcome here, or we can meet in Ann Arbor for an afternoon or something sometime too. I miss you. :(

    But really - how self-centered could she be? I would expect something like that from a 19 year old. Really, Jill? You can't do better than that? Psh.
    1906 days ago
  • BARBARASDIET
    emoticon
    1906 days ago
  • DISNEYDAMSEL1
    Aww not a fun day, but you did the right thing, okay aside from maybe the comment about your birthday, but other than that you did the right things :)

    I have had to ditch many people from my life ( I call it life cleansing) I really look at who's in my life and who should stay and who should go. Most of the time it is a pretty civil departure occasionallly it isn't. So I think getting rid of the toxic waste is helpful sometimes. If it doesn't benefit you in the long run, it's okay to part ways. I am sorry that it parted on hostile terms, perhaps it can be patched up towards a more civil break, but if not, that's okay too.

    The most important thing is getting you okay. It isn't wrong to want what she has. Everyone wants someone to love them on a daily basis and be there for them. It is important thought to make sure wanting something else isn't keeping you from enjoying now. Keep your head up. You'll get through the tough times emoticon m emoticon .
    1906 days ago
  • PICKIE98
    In my humble opinion:
    I do not know anything about you or Jill, BUT, that being said,, it sounds like she does not need you RIGHT NOW as much as you need her,, actually need Somebody,, a true friend would have recognized just that ,, YOU NEED SOMEBODY,, you are lost, hurt, grieving a loss, and need somebody to hug you, not lecture or judge or be CONDESCENDING just to shut you up.

    Some people are "convenient acquaintances". They are there for you when THEIR life is slowing down or they a re waiting for a partner to come home,etc..
    On one of these lovely days(sarcasm) I go to the state park and when nobody is around, I walk, talk and yell out to the waves, venting my pain, hurt, anger,etc to eh seagulls. IT helps and no neighbors to call the cops when they hear all the noise!

    Any future meetings with Jill can be dealt with by saying, "I have started to rate my friends by the level at which they value my place in their life. I have since found numbers one through-twenty , you are twenty one."
    I have dumped many friends after being treated like you were.It hurts at first, but later, it is a relief to release the drama..and move on..
    big hugs from me to you.


    1906 days ago
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