2 breakups in 1 day
Thursday, April 04, 2013
I'm so out of it today. I'm sleepy and I keep forgetting that I actually have plans to be around people tonight. It's Thursday, which means Trivia night. I have to pull myself together and make myself sociable and polite. It also means pizza and french onion soup. Last week we planned on not going, so I ate dinner, and then my parents went up for the second round and I went up too just to hang out, but I didn't eat anything and just drank a bunch of water. There was a really good looking piece of pizza that was tempting me, but I had already eaten, so I wasn't hungry. Tonight I'm going with the plan to eat there. Two weeks ago was my first time at Trivia on my meal plan and that was also the day I went a little overboard, even before going to Trivia.
I have no idea of what to expect. What I'm planning on eating still puts me in my regular calorie range, but my cravings are pretty much gone. I'm afraid if I "indulge" tonight, I'll just have to fight them back all over again.
Then again, maybe not. I also think that I'm genuinely indifferent to most things at the moment. Food, people, work... I just don't want to be bothered. Which makes no sense because I have nothing else to occupy myself with. If I don't go to trivia, I'll just sit at home and clean or do something that doesn't need to be done.
So, on Tuesday, when I went to visit Jill to cry on her shoulder and I was ticked about her cancelling our trip to the gym, I made a nasty little dig at her as I was leaving. On my birthday, she posted "Happy Birthday, Sarah Jessica Parker, you beautiful creature, you!" yet had nothing to say to me. It stung a little that she would wish someone a happy birthday who has no idea she's alive, and can so easily overlook, what I think, is a good friend. but it didn't sting too much. I actually thought it was kind of funny.
But while I was crying about losing this guy who I thought was perfect for me, she was telling me I need to focus on making myself happy and that I don't need a man in my life to be happy, and I need to be strong and if I want to meet new people I need to step out of my comfort zone. I know she was just trying to help, but it came off as really insensitive and hurtful - especially while I was already hurting. I've been doing all of those things for the past 3 years. I feel like I just can't catch a break! I keep trying and working and I have this goal that I have no idea how to work toward it. I'm just fumbling around and grasping at straws. And she tries to console me by saying she's sure I'll find someone. And I'm glad she can be sure, but that's the biggest reason I am so broken right now. I don't believe I will. Just like Beechnut doesn't really believe she can ever be thin. It like this really vague thing. Spark talks about how goals have to be Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, and Timely. How do I set a goal like that that involves the heart of someone else who I don't know even exists?
And then she cancelled the plans to go to the gym and I was actually really angry about that. Heh. My workout schedule and my meal plan are what keep me going. Don't eff with them.
So as I was leaving her house, I said "Oh and by the way, last Monday was my birthday. Which incidentally is the same day as Sarah Jessica Parker's." And then I left. She texted me and she was all pssed off and told me she's tired of being everyone's punching bag. And then she went off on how she was doing me a big favor by letting me come over because she was too tired. Yeah. Let's turn this around and make it about you. And then she told me she doesn't want to be friends anymore.
Fine. I don't care. Really. If she was tired and didn't want company, she should have told me before I came over. That's her issue. And if she can't support me when I'm down, like all the times I've been there for her, then I don't need to keep going out of my way to hang out with her.
She text-bombed me for a while and told me she was done and I didn't reply. I figured I'd just honor her wishes. It was my day for people telling me they didn't want me around anymore. My heart is elsewhere. I don't have the energy to make her feel better. Then a few hours later, she texts me while she's drinking wine and smoking a cigar and suddenly she's "calm" and telling me about how she "give too many chances" and people say she's "too nice". I think she wants to work it out. Unfortunately, she has to work it out with herself because she's the one with the problem. I did apologize for making the comment about my birthday, but she never apologized for missing my birthday. AND she never recognized that she understands the point I was trying to make.
And that point was, it was my birthday and even though I consider her a very close friend, I wouldn't expect her to remember it. But at the same time, I think it's only human to long to have someone in my life who would remember it and would be there to celebrate it with me. Someone who has my back, and I have theirs, unconditionally. She's married and she's loved by someone every day and she just doesn't get it. And she still doesn't see how telling me that I shouldn't want what I want was hurtful.
I make all the effort in that friendship, so I'm just going to let her be. Apparently she's been holding some crap against me that I had no idea about. So fine. *shrug*
I didn't love her anyway. And it just seems so petty when compared to losing some that I do.