Everything is difficult in one way or another.
Wednesday, April 03, 2013
At least I got a good night's sleep on Monday. After my phone call with Dan, I felt really good. But on Tuesday morning I had an email from him saying his goodbye. I didn't sleep last night. Just laid there and waited for the time to tick by.
And after all the worrying I did over telling him I love him, he chooses his break-up letter to return the words to me. You're never supposed to say I love you when you're breaking up with someone. And you certainly should never say it for the first time when you're also saying it for the last time. That's just cruel.
I'm a mess. I started a blog yesterday and never finished it and that's probably for the best because I didn't have anything nice to say. I don't today either, but I also have less to say.
My appetite is non-existent. There are Easter candies and goodies all over the office and I just don't care. I was afraid that I would be drawn to them for comfort, but it's the opposite. I'm not even somewhat tempted. On the flipside, I'm having a hard time eating everything on my meal plan. I didn't eat dinner until late, so I skipped my evening snack. And I skipped my salad with dinner. I forgot my apple for my morning snack, and I forgot to eat my breakfast veggie. I don't want to screw up my metabolism, but it's hard to force myself to eat. I'm just not feeling it and the time just slipped by me today. Hm. I just realized I forgot my protein shake too. So, I basically missed all of my snacks. Maybe I need to set an alarm to remind me when to eat. I never imagined I'd have this kind of a problem.
I was also afraid I'd be tempted to stop working out... that I'd just lose interest in getting fit because he was my catalyst and now he's gone. But the gym has almost become a habit. I've finished 3 solid weeks of zombie running and I want to stay on track. And strength training feels too important to skip, so I just do it.
Last night was a "run" night and I contacted my friend and asked her if she'd be up for hanging out because I needed a shoulder to cry on. She eagerly agreed so I told her I was going to run right after work and then I'd come by around 7. Then she said she had to go to the gym and asked if I'd go with her. So I told her I'd be okay with that as long as I get to do 45 minutes on the treadmill and she agreed. So I went over there straight after work, poured my heart out and cried her a river. Then I pulled myself together and said "Well, let's go run." She gave me some crap about being too tired because she got up at 4am blah blah blah. So I left. I think we were supposed to play video games for a while and hang out without me crying... but I had a run scheduled and I didn't want to skip it. She seemed pretty put off by me leaving, but screw that. I was put off by her flaking on our plans to go to the gym. I'm running whether she wants to join me or not.
And I'm not super strict about my regimen. It probably seems like I am. I do have 1 full day of rest scheduled per week. It usually lands on Sunday, but I can move it around if I need to.
I think the important thing is that it doesn't feel like work. I actually look forward to my workouts. And I feel really good about my meal plan and the temptations are getting to be fewer and less tempting, and I'm getting smarter about avoiding them all together. For example, I stopped at Costco after work today and instead of walking through the main aisles where they have all the freebie taste tests, I walked in the back of the aisles to get to what I needed and then I got out of there. I looked at the concession food on the way out, pizza and chicken rolls and the like. All kinds of bready stuff, and it made me feel hungry, but I didn't want any of that food.
It's starting to feel natural. Like it's clicking into place and getting easier.
Or maybe that's just because my heart is absolutely decimated and I have nothing else.