Everything is difficult in one way or another.

Wednesday, April 03, 2013

At least I got a good night's sleep on Monday. After my phone call with Dan, I felt really good. But on Tuesday morning I had an email from him saying his goodbye. I didn't sleep last night. Just laid there and waited for the time to tick by.

And after all the worrying I did over telling him I love him, he chooses his break-up letter to return the words to me. You're never supposed to say I love you when you're breaking up with someone. And you certainly should never say it for the first time when you're also saying it for the last time. That's just cruel.

I'm a mess. I started a blog yesterday and never finished it and that's probably for the best because I didn't have anything nice to say. I don't today either, but I also have less to say.

My appetite is non-existent. There are Easter candies and goodies all over the office and I just don't care. I was afraid that I would be drawn to them for comfort, but it's the opposite. I'm not even somewhat tempted. On the flipside, I'm having a hard time eating everything on my meal plan. I didn't eat dinner until late, so I skipped my evening snack. And I skipped my salad with dinner. I forgot my apple for my morning snack, and I forgot to eat my breakfast veggie. I don't want to screw up my metabolism, but it's hard to force myself to eat. I'm just not feeling it and the time just slipped by me today. Hm. I just realized I forgot my protein shake too. So, I basically missed all of my snacks. Maybe I need to set an alarm to remind me when to eat. I never imagined I'd have this kind of a problem.

I was also afraid I'd be tempted to stop working out... that I'd just lose interest in getting fit because he was my catalyst and now he's gone. But the gym has almost become a habit. I've finished 3 solid weeks of zombie running and I want to stay on track. And strength training feels too important to skip, so I just do it.

Last night was a "run" night and I contacted my friend and asked her if she'd be up for hanging out because I needed a shoulder to cry on. She eagerly agreed so I told her I was going to run right after work and then I'd come by around 7. Then she said she had to go to the gym and asked if I'd go with her. So I told her I'd be okay with that as long as I get to do 45 minutes on the treadmill and she agreed. So I went over there straight after work, poured my heart out and cried her a river. Then I pulled myself together and said "Well, let's go run." She gave me some crap about being too tired because she got up at 4am blah blah blah. So I left. I think we were supposed to play video games for a while and hang out without me crying... but I had a run scheduled and I didn't want to skip it. She seemed pretty put off by me leaving, but screw that. I was put off by her flaking on our plans to go to the gym. I'm running whether she wants to join me or not.

And I'm not super strict about my regimen. It probably seems like I am. I do have 1 full day of rest scheduled per week. It usually lands on Sunday, but I can move it around if I need to.

I think the important thing is that it doesn't feel like work. I actually look forward to my workouts. And I feel really good about my meal plan and the temptations are getting to be fewer and less tempting, and I'm getting smarter about avoiding them all together. For example, I stopped at Costco after work today and instead of walking through the main aisles where they have all the freebie taste tests, I walked in the back of the aisles to get to what I needed and then I got out of there. I looked at the concession food on the way out, pizza and chicken rolls and the like. All kinds of bready stuff, and it made me feel hungry, but I didn't want any of that food.

It's starting to feel natural. Like it's clicking into place and getting easier.

Or maybe that's just because my heart is absolutely decimated and I have nothing else.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I just read your previous blog about what happened, and if can't deal with deep emotions after a year and a half, then he is emotionally stunted. A lot of boys are still stuck in the idiocy of being tough and not supposed to feel anything. Unfortunately, that also causes them to push away a lot of positive emotions like love and caring for someone.

    You didn't screw things up with him, he screwed things up with you. I am truly sorry.

    2179 days ago

    Comment edited on: 4/5/2013 7:23:34 AM
    I was told once "boys are like buses, they come by every five minutes." I don't know about you, but I always thought to myself "Too bad they don't get hit by buses every five minutes." Know what I mean?

    I am so pissed for you. I HATE the way he treated you. He moved fast, he swept you off your feet, and then he ran away with his tail between his legs like a spineless bastard. I am so sorry. I REALLY mean it when I say you deserve better. You have really gotten the sh*t card when it comes to guys. I wish I knew where the good ones were hiding.
    2179 days ago
    I'm sorry you are struggling right now. Never feel bad for telling someone how you truly feel. It's not good for you physically or mentally to bottle emotions up or feel like they aren't important. I don't know a lot about your situation or how long you've been together, but I read this and your previous blog and I don't think there is ever a minimum amount of time that has to pass before it's OK for someone to say "I love you." Obviously you want to be sure that's how you truly feel, so I'm not advocating saying it within 5 minutes of getting into a relationship. But for someone to get nervous because you didn't wait long enough (to them) to say it? It sounds like he has a lot of commitment issues that had nothing to do with you. As happy as he made you, know that this just means he's not ready for someone as spectacular as you. It's a painful thing for you to go through, I know. But it's really sad for him because he won't be able to experience a great relationship until he moves past those things. You are going to continue to grow and flourish and, while it doesn't feel like it now, you WILL find happiness and a great relationship one day.

    It sounds like you are now focused on getting fit for YOU and not anyone else and that is great. You deserve to be fit and healthy for your own happiness. Be proud of continuing to exercise and just try to focus on taking care of yourself by eating good foods when you can. Give your heart time to heal from this...continuing your exercise is going to do nothing but help.

    2180 days ago

    Comment edited on: 4/4/2013 2:17:43 PM
    Geez...I'm sad for you & happy for you! My mom always told me if this happens it just means there's something better for me just around the corner!
    Each day will be better. It always feels like hell for a while but this will pass.
    All the best to you in the future! You are doing so well with food & exercise! That is really a big +
    2180 days ago
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