I am in a pressure cooker!

Tuesday, April 02, 2013

I am doing ok emoticon ... my goal today is to make it through without emoticon crying. So far I have been very successful. emoticon

I would take more time to deal except my boss is an a$$. I came back Monday and she spoke to me like I didn't have a real reason to deal with my grief. She said I took to many days off. This made me super mad because I have had prefect attendance for 14 months.

Mother is getting my sh!t list again... well never really got off of it.

Roger passed on Wednesday. I was up all night long dealing with the police, coroner, and emts. By the time that was all said and done, I had to be strong to handle my very emotional best friend. I went to work the next day. In my opinion I shouldn't have. I went anyways. I was sent home after an hour.

At this point, I had been up for over 24 hours. Here comes my mother... talking at me on how we need to figure out what we are doing with the body. THE BODY? He was my friend. I was tired and moody. She had the nerve to come to my house to talk to me like that.

I asked her to leave. Enough is enough.

Then she had the nerve to come back into my house and start cleaning it. She made me feel like crap because my house wasn't clean. It was the day after celebrating Roger's life. He has been gone less than a week we are still dealing.

Then she accused me of doing illegal drugs and I need to grow up. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I have had a lot to happen to me and she thinks I act weird because of DRUGS!!!

I have lost a lot of weight she assumes that I am taking weight loss drugs too. That must be the reason I am acting weird. On top of the fact that I must drink all the time because I had a couple drinks on Saturday celebrating Roger's birthday and life.

Yesterday, I came home to play football with Jamie's kids. That should be a good thing. It wasn't.

I am running all over the yard. My mom yells, Amy, your face is really red. I think your blood pressure is up. You could died if you don't take care of it.

I just went to the doctor's. My blood pressure was prefect. 120/80!!!

When I told her I have a lot of stress right now. She tried to make it all about her. She says she has had more death than me. WTF is this crap!

She tries to out rank me with my kid. She makes it seem like she is a better mother than me. She has had more deaths than me. She is trying to act like this a completion.

That isn't all... behind my back she had the nerve to ask my best friend if I really wanted my son. If I didn't want him, she could raise him. I would not have to sign of rights or anything. WTF!!!!

I don't want to do this anymore. I just want her to stop. The more I am around her the more I realize why I eat my feeling.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    time for THE line to be drawn. Time for your mother to realize that you are a mother, a great mother, that you have just experiences a HUGE death, and no it doesn't get easier with practice (or who has "had" more of it in their lives). Your heart, your mind, your body is raw!! You're still in shock and pretty much going through the paces of life until your feet find some solid ground again.
    By drawing the line, you are setting a boundary, a difficult thing with a parent... when the relationship is at a boiling point step away! Keep her away from you, stay as far away from that relationship as possible right now. Be with the loving friends who are experiencing the same thing you are and just love each other.
    Eventually you are going to have to teach your mom how to love you as a grown up. That's the interesting part of growing up, we eventually have to teach those who taught us how to treat us.
    But right now... be with the ones who do know how to love you and help you and you can love without fear!
    Breath, be gentle with yourself and get a lot of hugs... as often as possible.
    1907 days ago
    its OK to cry. and your boss is a jerk. people just do not understand that if you aren't related to a person that you cant possibly feel the loss. that is crap.
    And as far as your mom. i've read enough of your blogs to know your Mom is TOXIC to you in other areas and seems to be trying to tear you down on even the days when nothing bad has happened to bring you sad like this.
    Amy. you need to distance yourself from her. I know she is your mom and you love her but she is hurting you I don't even know you other than this and I can see how she is tearing you down. you can still have her as your mom and heal from this messed up relationship you guys have.
    you need to let time take its course. do not let ANYONE make you feel like you cant be in pain. ever. especially when you lost someone you cared about.
    your strong you can make it thru. the first few months are the worst but you have your boyfriend and friends to lean against for support and there are groups on here dealing with loss.
    just do not hold your feelins in, its ok to cry and be angry and sad. its natural.

    1907 days ago
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