Tuesday, March 26, 2013
I have noticed that I often feel guilty for being happy. I feel like I am going to become complacent if I am satisfied with my weight. If I am happy weighing 155, it will lead to being happy weighing 160, 170 and then before you know it I am back up to 300 pounds.
But why can't I be happy. Sure I am 20+ pounds heavier than my low weight, sure based on BMI standards I am overweight.
But what about my standards?
I'm not sure that I will ever be "satisfied" with myself, or anything for that matter. But I am happy. I like the idea of having lazy days and actually being able to just sit down and breathe.
But then comes the guilt. I feel guilty anytime I sit down and relax. Sure I may have went to the gym this morning but I didn't go again after work. If I have time to be sitting around why can't I just go to the gym.
I have that feeling that I just wish I could eat like a "normal" person, and by that I mean I want to have treats, and snacks and all that bad for you stuff. This coming from the person that did just eat dinners worth of calories in animal crackers. I guess that will be my dinner, and I want so badly not to feel guilty about that.
I know that I can't eat like the average American and stay fit and healthy, and I really don't want to be like the average American. I just what to have the ability to eat everything I want and not gain weight, oh that's not possible. I know that's not realistic, but lets face it we would all kill for that ability.
I do workout HARD, and I love working out, which as I said before is my saving grace. There is no way I wouldn't be heavier if it weren't for the fact that I loved working out. I just wish that working out hard meant I could eat whatever I want. I have tried this, and unfortunately it doesn't work. I mean I can eat whatever I want and workout hard but I am going to still gain weight. I'm pretty sure I will eventually figure out my perfect balance and be able to live in that gray area I so desperately want to be in.
Until then I will just keep learning. I will learn from my success, I will learn from my experience and most of all I will learn from my weaknesses, my down falls and my failures.