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Tuesday, March 26, 2013

I have noticed that I often feel guilty for being happy. I feel like I am going to become complacent if I am satisfied with my weight. If I am happy weighing 155, it will lead to being happy weighing 160, 170 and then before you know it I am back up to 300 pounds.

But why can't I be happy. Sure I am 20+ pounds heavier than my low weight, sure based on BMI standards I am overweight.

But what about my standards?

I'm not sure that I will ever be "satisfied" with myself, or anything for that matter. But I am happy. I like the idea of having lazy days and actually being able to just sit down and breathe.

But then comes the guilt. I feel guilty anytime I sit down and relax. Sure I may have went to the gym this morning but I didn't go again after work. If I have time to be sitting around why can't I just go to the gym.

I have that feeling that I just wish I could eat like a "normal" person, and by that I mean I want to have treats, and snacks and all that bad for you stuff. This coming from the person that did just eat dinners worth of calories in animal crackers. I guess that will be my dinner, and I want so badly not to feel guilty about that.

I know that I can't eat like the average American and stay fit and healthy, and I really don't want to be like the average American. I just what to have the ability to eat everything I want and not gain weight, oh that's not possible. I know that's not realistic, but lets face it we would all kill for that ability.

I do workout HARD, and I love working out, which as I said before is my saving grace. There is no way I wouldn't be heavier if it weren't for the fact that I loved working out. I just wish that working out hard meant I could eat whatever I want. I have tried this, and unfortunately it doesn't work. I mean I can eat whatever I want and workout hard but I am going to still gain weight. I'm pretty sure I will eventually figure out my perfect balance and be able to live in that gray area I so desperately want to be in.

Until then I will just keep learning. I will learn from my success, I will learn from my experience and most of all I will learn from my weaknesses, my down falls and my failures.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    You are a life long learner. Your wish for a healthier, more fit body, came true! Eating everything we want is what got us into trouble in the first place.

    Loving your workouts is emoticon
    2223 days ago
  • CAALAN23
    Hi! I'm new to your blogs and this is the first I've read and while I'll admit to being here because you are listed on the "inspiration" pages of Spark I hope that I was called here to offer some support as well.

    First...dang've done well. Remember that. Always.

    Second...don't feel guilty about being happy. Happiness is what is wanted for us. Always.

    Third...Was there a goal you set for yourself that did not necessarily tie into food or workouts? A "spiritual" goal? This could be anything from gardening more, learning to paint, taking a long road trip with friends. You can find guilt-free happy there and more often than not you'll find it can replace the need for the treats that you miss. Or that it can give you the strength to not have "dinners" of them. Just to share, mine are writing, painting and spending time being active with family.

    Anyhoo, yes, you are inspiring and I'll be checking back. This was a blog that was so "in touch" and I like that.

    Keep up the good work!
    2228 days ago
  • no profile photo THRDTRY
    I have been thinking about this a lot too. I get scared because it feels like that's how I got heavy in the first place--being happy with a bigger body led me to get bigger and bigger. But I think "satisfied" is different than "complacent." I know that I have learned so much in what little time I've been doing this and I can only imagine that you have too. You are never going to unlearn all of that! Keeping your eye toward a healthy lifestyle, you can (and *should*) be happy with your body.
    2228 days ago
    I am SO glad I ran across your blog! We are in similar boats and your blog really renonated with me. I have lost 100 pounds and my lowest is 158. I feel like gaining this 15 pounds that I am going to gain all 100 pounds back. The rational sides knows the truth.. tell that to the emotional side though! Hang in there. emoticon
    2236 days ago
  • KIMBERLY19732
    2239 days ago
    This is so REAL! I love it, and I appreciate it. I feel guilty too when I get off from work and relax, even though I walk outside 3 mph on each break, and I wake up at 5am and exercise for 30 minutes. I want to eat what I want too, like I used to, before I packed 144 extra lbs on my body. Don't feel guilty--feel human, and normal, and know you have others right here on SP that feel the same!!!! Thank you again for this and emoticon emoticon
    2242 days ago
    I don't think you know how amazing you are! You are awesome!

    We are all human. Sometimes we don't give ourselves enough credit. As long as we learn from our mistakes, that is the best we can do! Sometimes that is all I can ask of myself. You are doing great. Don't doubt that! Life happens!

    You will find a balance and a place where you feel happy. I bet that is the hardest part of this whole journey. Making it last a lifetime. Hang in there!
    2244 days ago
    Just curious - do you have any way to measure your body fat? Because at 155 lbs with the amount of muscle you have on you, I'm not sure you are really "overweight." You don't look overweight in pictures at all. If even your doctor was telling you to gain back weight when you were in your 130s, then maybe your body fat is perfectly normal at 155, you know? BMI is a good guideline, but not perfect.

    I'm sorry you feel guilty for being happy. I can relate, in a way. I feel guilty being unsatisfied because I'm not at goal yet, because I feel like other people are looking at me and saying "you're thin already shut up!" I also feel like everyone is just waiting for me to fail...yeah. I guess it's true that losing the weight doesn't necessarily make you happier, no?
    2245 days ago
    You have done so well and you're so lucky that you love to exercise!!!! Don't focus on what you haven't done/can't do, but praise yourself for this amazing accomplishment!!! I have been working so hard since January and only down 11lbs....I have been tempted to snack on my favs or skip a workout, but in the end I'm getting better at self talking myself back on track by saying "one step at a time....just stick to this one thing"....and that's because of people like you who I have seen succeed. May-be I'd get there faster if I didn't have the occassional "treat", but I probably would have derailed completely by now if I didn't!!! But what I have learned about myself is that I have to limit my treats and accept that "that's it...treat is over...move on". Congrats on your success & stay has its ups and downs, but exercising will keep you up and enjoy your treats guilt free, just limit them! emoticon
    2245 days ago
    This blog could have been written by me when I reached my goal weight. I missed eating like a pig. It sounds harsh, but it it's true. It was a form of entertainment for me. I ate junk food when I watched tv or went to the movies or went out with my friends. I ate to comfort my emotions, whether they were good or bad.

    Just because a person is skinny, doesn't mean they're healthy. Do it for your health, first and foremost. Allow yourself a rest day and allow yourself treats. But I would suggest only having them once per week, or whatever fits your schedule.

    As far as working out, good job for going to the gym today. You didn't go twice? No big deal! What would you say to me if I was concerned that I only went once? You would say, good job for getting that one workout in! So, say the same thing to yourself. Stay on track, but don't forget this plan has to work for every day "NORMAL" life. You can do it. Just find a happy medium!

    Do what makes you happy and healthy.

    2245 days ago
  • TLG71567
    It is very hard when you see a skinny friend eating junk food and you're eating salad and fruit and it's you who is heavy. I live with this daily. My husband weighs 135 lbs and he drinks Coke all day, eats donuts, Slim Jims, Little Debbie snack cakes, etc. If I did that, I'd weigh 500 lbs. Unfortunately, we have to eat properly and exercise hard. It's just the way it is. As you said, we learn from our successes and our failures. From what you've said you've had a lot of success. You should be very proud of yourself for losing all that weight. Don't feel guilty about being happy. You deserve to be happy. You have to find a weight that you feel comfortable at. emoticon
    2245 days ago
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