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Monday, March 25, 2013

Today is day 34 of my current streak!

Its time to admit a few things to myself. I have to own up to the fact that I have not been giving my best effort for a while now. I've been doing the bare minimum needed in order to stay on track and keep my streak going. I've been doing enough to maintain, but I haven't been doing enough to make progress towards my goal of being a size 10.

I know I'm capable of doing so much more. But for the past few months, I have been struggling with fear. What am I afraid of? I am afraid of reaching my goal!

That might not make a whole lot of sense to you. After all, I've been working hard since March of last year, and I've lost 71 lbs. I've gained muscle, stamina and strength. I have gone from struggling through a 15 minute workout to being able to workout for 60 to 90 minutes a day. I've progressed from barely being able to do step touches and grapevines, to being able to do DDP Yoga, cardio kickboxing, beginners kettlebell and more.

I've not only lost weight, but I've gotten firmer and more toned. I am healthier than I've been since I was in my 30's. (I'm almost 52 now.) I have moved down from a size 3X t shirt to a size Large. I've gone from wearing stretch pants to wearing jeans that actually button and zip.

But for the past few months, I have not gone down anymore in my clothing size. I have not been pushing myself to make progress. I've just been doing the bare minimum needed in order to keep me right where I am, without gaining or losing.

When I first started this journey last year, I really PUSHED myself every day. I was never satisfied with doing "just enough." I always expected more and more from myself. But the closer I got to my goal size, the less I pushed myself. Was it laziness or complacency? No...it was fear!

Its so scary to think about reaching a size 10. I was there a few years ago, and although in a lot of ways it was pure awesomeness to be at my goal, it was also terrifying. I felt so small and vulnerable. I felt exposed to the world. I no longer had my extra weight to hide behind. And I felt like everyone was watching me every single time I ate. I felt judged, and I felt like people were just waiting for me to gain the weight back. I felt so much pressure!

And when I did gain the weight back, it was heartbreaking...and comforting. I felt like I was back to being my "real" self. I was able to be invisible and ignored again, and that was what I was used to.

But I don't want to be the invisible woman anymore. I don't want to be trapped in an unhealthy body ever again! I've worked so hard, and I am proud of how far I've come since last year, but I know I still have a lot further to go. I'm so tired of letting fear hold me back from being all that I know I can be. I'm going to work through this, and I'm going to do my very best to start making progress again. It won't be easy, but I think that admitting my fear is the first step towards moving past it. I'm ready to start working harder to reach my goal.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I can so relate to you Pixie. But you really need to think which way will bring you the ultimate happiness to you. It is really up to you to decide. Rather stay comfortable being you right there where you are now or you want to really work harder for your ultimate goal to be size 10.

    Also, I know the fact more you lose weight and you get smaller size, it is much harder to lose weight as well. So far I have lost 46 pounds but for me it was much easier to lose lots of weight quicker beginning of my weight loss joinery then now. Since I am petite to begin with, It seems like even losing a one pound I have to put twice more efforts in my work out and my calorie control.

    But I choose to keep on going for my ultimate goal and get out of my comfort zone. I will achieve both way as human Growth and have fit and Healthy attractive body for me. Good luck Pixie, you are much stronger then you think and as your quotes say "you have everything you need is inside of you" and I think you've already know your answer by posting quote " you'll never regret reaching your goal. You'll only regret giving up and not trying harder." I love those two quote you've posted. Thank you for sharing!! You can do this and we can do this together. (*^^*)

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    1912 days ago
    Pixie your blogs are so inspiring and you always know what to say. I love reading them because they always help me find my way back. Keep pushing and reaching for that next level.

    1912 days ago
  • CHERYLA2012
    I'm scared. I'm afraid. But what I want is on the other side of fear and the only way I'm going to get there is if I make myself go. Step by step. Minute by minute. Hour by hour.

    At the same time, I really have to watch to make sure I don't get in my own way. It's such an easy thing to do and before I know it, I'm obstructing myself!

    That is one reason why I have spent as much time on my inside (brain and how I think about things) as on the outside. Cos if I don't get my inside and outside synced up - I will get in my own way. It's harder and scarier for me to work on my inside than for me to work on my outside but I still do it.

    You named your roadblock. How are you gonna decide to surmount it?


    1912 days ago
    Pixie, Man can you say things!!!! And they come out so clear... I'm VERY fearful right now and I'm so afraid that I will sabotage myself. 1wk week 6lbs. 2nd week 2lbs. I have been questioning myself all morning. Last week, did I not do enough, eat right or eat to much, etc..
    I am not being kind to myself at all for the 2lbs gone. And your message just told me to be good to me. Listen to your words... Be good to yourself. You have done an awesome job.
    And remember this: What WE think people are thinking of us; WE are usually wrong. Size 10 here you come
    1912 days ago
  • PHOENIX1949
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    1912 days ago
    You're amazing. and fear is one thing that stops me at times.
    1912 days ago
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    1912 days ago
  • DALID414
    It is scary Pixie. I'm at my goal weight and I'm still scared. I channel that fear into pushing myself in my workouts.
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    1912 days ago
    Oh boy. . . you have spoken the fear that soooooo many before you have felt. so many feel right now, and so many will feel in the future. Guess that makes it part of the journey, eh?? I had the same fear about reaching goal too and think it all had to do with not so much the goal itself as can I maintain this lifestyld? THAT was the big question, because I'd lost weight before too.

    So, the long and short of it is you've named your fear, you've claimed that fear, now TAME it.

    I found that by writing down the fears on a piece of paper, really THINKING about 'em, I could move on. I could move past them. Journaling . . . huge for me. Needed so I could see things in black-and-white and be able to deal and move on.

    Keep the faith! Hang in there! You ARE worth it.
    1912 days ago
  • STHOMAS1009
    I too feel your fear. I can't even seem to get started on my journey.

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    1912 days ago
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    1912 days ago
    This is a super blog and very insightful!

    You could be talking about ME, every time I get close to breaking the 150 barrier I do something to sabotage myself. It's CRAZY.

    Love some of your motivational quotes, I'll have to print them out and read them DAILY!!!
    1912 days ago
    I know you're speaking to a lot of us. Fear is why I'm where I am now. And unless I can get past that fear, I can't get to the healthy place I need to be. I went up on the scale over several years and never went down because I was too scared to even try. Now that I've started really trying, it's bringing up a lot of emotions I've kept hidden. None of this is as simple as it may look on the surface. emoticon
    1912 days ago
    Pixie, I swear you're reading my mind!! I'm in the same place...have been "maintaining", but doing little to keep moving forward. Thank you for your bravery to share your thoughts/feelings...it gives me inspiration. and you constantly remind me that WE ARE WORTH IT!!!!
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    1912 days ago
    You can do it, if you only decide you want to! I know you'll get going again when you're ready, and it's ok to take a break and just maintain until you're ready to go farther!

    It sounds like you're now ready to take the next step...your friends are with you, so go for it!
    1912 days ago
    Pixie, I can understand the fear. I've been there myself. I've decided that I'm not going to let the fear take over this time. The more weight I lose the better I feel and the healthier I am. It's all about the health more than anything now. You can do it!!!


    1912 days ago
    Thank you for being honest and Wow it hits home on alot of levels. You are an inspiration , You are worth it and I am glad you are my emoticon So I can learn and be inspired by you .

    YOU ROCK !!! emoticon
    1912 days ago
    Pixie, I appreciate your honesty with yourself and your openness and transparency with us. I have that same fear. Maybe if I stop worrying about what others think, I will be more relaxed and enjoy my life. Some days, I just exist in my life instead of living it.
    I love that one from Bonnie Pfiester. (I will beat her), Enjoy your week!
    1912 days ago

    Comment edited on: 3/25/2013 1:13:11 PM
    It can be very scary to lose weight if you struggle with insecurity. The fat acts as a shield, keeping the real you hidden from the rest of the world. You feel like they see the fat, judge you, and then proceed no further to get to know the real you. It's sad but also comforting that you can keep people at a distance like that. The fat is kind of a security blanket...you may not like how it makes you feel, but it is FAMILIAR. It's what you know. You don't know the size 10 you very well. The one who people will meet and not realize that you used to be heavier. That smaller size makes the real you more viewable to the world, which is terrifying for those of us used to hiding.

    That's why the journey is about loving yourself and gaining self-confidence as you continue to get healthier. Even if it means you have to take a little more time getting to where you want to be, you have to be ready both physically and mentally. Take this time to work on your mental side of this. You are a beautiful person and worth getting to know at any weight. The unknown is scary, but while the fat is comforting because you are familiar with it, it is not where you want to be. It's all about taking chances and seeing what wonderful things happen as a result of that. You can definitely take that step forward, and you deserve for the world to see you physically and mentally happy.
    1912 days ago
    I've been there. Don't let it get the best of you. I let it get the better of me. Years ago I lost 50 pounds and was about 15 pounds from my goal. I let the fear overwhelm me and let it all go. I ended up gaining 70 pounds and am struggling each and every day to re-lose it once and for all. You are worth more than that. Don't fear anything but failure. You can do this. Stand tall. Stand strong.
    1912 days ago
  • TERRIH8118
    I know what you mean. It's scary when you reach your goal or get real close It seems like everything is just waiting to sabotage you and then you can't hide behind your old excuses. But you just have to keep up the fight and know it's one you Can Win. If you stick to it. Even if your just doing the minimum look at the bright side of that..your still doing it, maybe not as strong but you haven't given up., emoticon
    1912 days ago
    We are have peaks and valleys. Being honest, open and willing to grow will get you to goal. Your blogs are awesome. Big hug to you! Always here if you encouragement.
    You got this.
    1912 days ago
  • MINDY502
    I think we all have that fear especially when others know you are trying to lose weight and like you said are waiting for you to gain it back and admit you are a failure once again. I have done that 2 to 3 times now with my weight and that fear or insecurity always creeps in but we have to beat it this time and show others what we are made of that we are worth it. I hope to see you at that finish line I hope not to be far behind you. We can do this!
    1912 days ago
  • ASTRA58
    This is also one of my concerns, that fear will stop me from reaching my final goal. This time already feels differently from other attempts, but maybe because I'm not considering it an attempt this time? I don't know. What I do know is that this time I will face my fear, acknowledge it and then go forward anyway.
    1912 days ago
    Great post. I totally get where you're coming from, and I'm just at the BEGINNING of my weight-loss journey. I feel scared about where I'm headed too. But we can totally do it, we can get where we ultimately want to be. Because people will look and judge and stare no matter what we weigh, and we can't control what others think or do. We can only control how we react and how we behave.

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    1912 days ago
    another awesome post
    1912 days ago
    It's ok to be afraid. We tell our children there is nothing to be scared of but it isn't always the truth. We should have a healthy respect/fear of dangerous things like fire and water. When broken down into small parts these things are not so scary so maybe that's what you need to do with "Pixie at Goal".
    You will still be Pixie, she has always been there. "Other people" may have odd perceptions of who Pixie at goal might be, however they may well just be in awe of someone who has worked long and hard to do what 95% cannot do ie stick to a weight loss system. Some people will be jealous and try and sabotage and spoil what you have. You cannot let their inadequacies rule your life.
    You are obviously a kind, thoughtful and generous soul who is coming to terms with being worth looking after. Carry on doing that, you will not be able to "stop dieting" when you get to goal, it's a lifetime's journey. So if the journey is taking a while enjoy the scenery along the way.
    You've chosen not to weigh regularly, I am a daily weigher. My own frustration with a painfully slow weightloss could be cured by taking a leaf from your book. You might get a mini boost by having more regular affirmations of your progress, we are all different and whatever we do will be the opposite of several other Sparklers. Whatever path we take the end goal is the same, to be at a healthy weight with as much muscular movement as our (aging) bodies will allow. This means watching what we eat and exercising regularly.
    Don't worry too much in one go! Break down the things that are freaking you and KNOW you can overcome them.

    big hugs, Sandra
    1912 days ago
  • SUGAR0814
    People will judge you regardless if you're skinny or big. Do what makes you happy! emoticon emoticon
    1912 days ago
    Get ready to receive another popular blog award for this! I SO HEAR YOU! At my half-way point, I am fighting the same fear. Struggling to put it into perspective. Not knowing why it's there or how to fight it.
    LOVING your chosen photos and I will be using them as visual motivation as well.

    Keep on pushing, learning yourself, stretching/growing into the 'real' you - the person you've hid for too long behind weight and dismissal.
    Maybe make a visual board of what this new you will be, your hopes and dreams and where you want to be in the next 1-5 years. This might help you grow more comfortable with where you are going. An introduction to someone you know is wonderful and inside you and needs to be understood for her hopes and dreams of a healthier life.

    Of course, as I give this advice, I'm saying what I think may also help me. I'll do this if you will!
    1912 days ago
    I know exactly how you feel. But emoticon
    1912 days ago
    emoticon You are worth it.
    1912 days ago
  • VICKI-B-
    Pixie, You have to find what makes you happy. Maybe you're progress is where you need to be at NOW. You're a lot healthier than you were 71 lbs ago. Maybe it's ENOUGH you're where you're at now. Only you can decide that. Are you happy with what you see in the mirror NOW? It's all up to you. emoticon
    1912 days ago
    Hi Pixie,
    Great blog. I think a lot of us tend to get "comfortable" where we are. We are not gaining, but we are also not losing so we feel we are doing enough, I for one know that I also need to kick it up a notch to get my body to respond and move to a better place. I'm not unhappy with the weight I am at now, but lighter and leaner would be better so I am totally on board with you on this. Let's "spring" forward, and get ourselves to that person we really want to be. I'm not really afraid of being there. What does scare me is reaching my goal weight and then having to maintain it. I've been there" before and always end up back "here" But I want to try and I am willing to make a new commitment to try harder. Let's go!! We can do this!!
    1912 days ago
    emoticon emoticon we just have to emoticon because we are emoticon we owe it to ourselves to let our best selfs to shine emoticon
    1912 days ago
    I know exactly where you are coming from. It doesn't sound weird at all. I am at goal and it is like I am under a microscope. When we go out to eat, or have a family holiday dinner, everyone is analyzing what I am eating, how much and whether or not I have desert and how big a piece. God forbid I reach for a piece of candy or appetizer. I might get my hands slapped.
    1912 days ago
    hugs and I cant even imagine being down to 140 lbs to me 166 is where I was AFTER I had my dd and to get past that will be neat. HUGS and feel better about yourself cos you are awesome and as that blog of _RAMONA's saying you are enough!
    1912 days ago
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