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Monday, March 25, 2013

Today is day 34 of my current streak!

Its time to admit a few things to myself. I have to own up to the fact that I have not been giving my best effort for a while now. I've been doing the bare minimum needed in order to stay on track and keep my streak going. I've been doing enough to maintain, but I haven't been doing enough to make progress towards my goal of being a size 10.

I know I'm capable of doing so much more. But for the past few months, I have been struggling with fear. What am I afraid of? I am afraid of reaching my goal!

That might not make a whole lot of sense to you. After all, I've been working hard since March of last year, and I've lost 71 lbs. I've gained muscle, stamina and strength. I have gone from struggling through a 15 minute workout to being able to workout for 60 to 90 minutes a day. I've progressed from barely being able to do step touches and grapevines, to being able to do DDP Yoga, cardio kickboxing, beginners kettlebell and more.

I've not only lost weight, but I've gotten firmer and more toned. I am healthier than I've been since I was in my 30's. (I'm almost 52 now.) I have moved down from a size 3X t shirt to a size Large. I've gone from wearing stretch pants to wearing jeans that actually button and zip.

But for the past few months, I have not gone down anymore in my clothing size. I have not been pushing myself to make progress. I've just been doing the bare minimum needed in order to keep me right where I am, without gaining or losing.

When I first started this journey last year, I really PUSHED myself every day. I was never satisfied with doing "just enough." I always expected more and more from myself. But the closer I got to my goal size, the less I pushed myself. Was it laziness or complacency? No...it was fear!

Its so scary to think about reaching a size 10. I was there a few years ago, and although in a lot of ways it was pure awesomeness to be at my goal, it was also terrifying. I felt so small and vulnerable. I felt exposed to the world. I no longer had my extra weight to hide behind. And I felt like everyone was watching me every single time I ate. I felt judged, and I felt like people were just waiting for me to gain the weight back. I felt so much pressure!

And when I did gain the weight back, it was heartbreaking...and comforting. I felt like I was back to being my "real" self. I was able to be invisible and ignored again, and that was what I was used to.

But I don't want to be the invisible woman anymore. I don't want to be trapped in an unhealthy body ever again! I've worked so hard, and I am proud of how far I've come since last year, but I know I still have a lot further to go. I'm so tired of letting fear hold me back from being all that I know I can be. I'm going to work through this, and I'm going to do my very best to start making progress again. It won't be easy, but I think that admitting my fear is the first step towards moving past it. I'm ready to start working harder to reach my goal.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • PANIK257
    This makes so much sense. Very relatable. Thank you!
    1909 days ago
    I have so been there! Part of the fear I went through was this feeling that if I reached my goal I would have to "leave" this incredible site, that I would no longer "fit in" here. Fortunately I could not have been more wrong! There is too much to learn, too much to share to ever think we should no longer be here!
    Your blogs are always so inspiring, thank you so much!
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1909 days ago
    Thanks for posting this danger point. I haven't gotten close enough to goal to think about it, but it will help me to beware as I go along. Thanks for your willingness to be vulnerable. I hope the sharing has helped you, too.
    1909 days ago
  • AJB121299
    1909 days ago
    Pixie just about everything has been said that could be said but I want to say that I am so glad that you continue to open your heart to all of us. You always lift my spirit and mood when I read your blogs. I know that you will get past this fear and reach whatever goal that is important to you. Know that God has opened your heart to help so many of us and he has a plan for you and it will be completed in his time. You are here for us as much as for yourself. Thank you
    Hugs Portia
    1909 days ago
    This is an awesome blog post - I loved it. I know it will bless those that read it and take your wise words to heart. emoticon
    1909 days ago
  • JIBBIE49
    1909 days ago
    1909 days ago
    WE are so worth it.... emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1909 days ago
    Fabo entry! I loved your posters. You go girl!!

    I have gone through some of the same things. I did not realize that people were watching that I ate when I was at my slimmest until one day I decided to have a few cheetos and got three people commenting on it! Not a good place to be.

    But I, too, can fight the good fight. You are an inspiration.
    1909 days ago
    Go for it, show your best side!!
    1909 days ago
  • HFAYE81
    Yes!!! I've had the same fears holding me back!!! Once I hit 50 pounds lost I was afraid to try any more...so I've stayed at 50 lb lost. Thanks for your amazing blogs, they always make me feel good. You are inspiring to me, you are such a warrior. Mostly because you know it, but you can still admit to your weaknesses. Thank you so much!! emoticon emoticon

    1909 days ago
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1909 days ago
    Touched and inspired by your honesty, determination and your ability to reflect. Urging you on. You deserve that size 10 body, now go for it!! Xxxx
    1909 days ago
    You're absolutely right - there's a big difference between putting in minimum effort and working as hard as you possibly can. I've been a SP member for more than 2 years, and the last 3 months are the only time since the first month that I can honestly say I'm putting everything into it!
    1909 days ago
    Very inspiring! emoticon
    1909 days ago
    Our battle is with ourselves and our perception of what other 's think of us.
    But there is only one entity we must please... May you find that entity now...

    1910 days ago
  • KAB7801
    Thanks for lifting me I know I can work harder
    1910 days ago
    have you thought of joining the Transitioning to Maintenance Team? i'm about 15 pounds from my goal weight too, and just reading some of their posts has helped me to view my current weight as just a step towards my ultimate goal.

    i visualize myself on the landing of the next flight of steps toward the bottom. i can wait there until i am comfortable with where i am. no one is rushing me.

    give yourself permission to let this level be your "new normal"...until you are ready to go on find a different "new normal". :)
    1910 days ago
  • WARRIOR4745
    Great blog.I can surely relate to it! Sometimes we can be our worst enemy.
    Keep on blogging-We need your wisdom!
    1910 days ago
  • NEEDBU66
    You have met the enemy, and you know who she is. Congratulations!!!
    1910 days ago
    Another great blog from the PIXIE. The fear of putting all back on is always on my mind.
    1910 days ago
    i can totally understand your apprehension. maintenance is so much better than gaining...woohoo for not going backwards in that area. sometimes we just have to honor that our mind/body/emotions might need some catch-up/readjustment time...settling in to a new size. even if we have more to go, plateaus are a great time to reassess/reevaluate/reeducate. emoticon emoticon
    1910 days ago
    emoticon Pixie!
    I, too have had something holding me back. I do not think it is fear, for myself, but I do need to think hard on what it is.
    Thank you for helping me to sit down with myself and have a good heart to heart.
    I will let you know what I find out.
    1910 days ago
    Wow this blog was a blessing! Maybe even Gods way of comforting me a bit. I JUST BLOGGED, LIKE NO JOKE 5min. AGO, about this very same fear. I am TERRIFIED to lose weight past what I have just accomplished thus far because of these very same fears. It's a like a, "and then what" feeling. The very idea of people looking at me, what I eat, what i wear, and then asking how I did it scares me half to death. I think I'll feel vulnerable and scared. I know the things I can do when I set my mind to it. I'm with you girl. I just need to do it. Time to put on the big girl panties and just do it.
    1910 days ago
  • GEORGI1832
    I needed this one this morning. thanks...I'm going out for a run right now.... emoticon
    1910 days ago
    What an excellent and encouraging speech...even if only to yourself...a great read and very transparent of many of us.
    1910 days ago
    "the greater danger for most of us is not that we aim to high and we miss it but that it is too low and we hit it"
    good luck on your next goal
    1910 days ago
    I thought I was the only one thinking what if I get to my goal and can't keep it off. What will people say. emoticon emoticon
    1910 days ago
  • KIMBERLY19732
    Inspiring! When I read the part about feeling everyone was watching and waiting for you to regain & * relief at regaining*..I just thought about that ....relief of having people wait for you to "slip up"---a mental "Ok Fine I've slipped up so you guys can go about your business now" Almost wanting to get that part "over with" so the scrutiny will end. Very interesting! emoticon
    1910 days ago
    So inspiring! It's ok, I've had to same fears, but we can do this!!
    1910 days ago
    I totally get it! You have inspired me to push harder today. emoticon
    1910 days ago
  • LUCKY1964
    you are really inspiring, I have been big my whole life and I don't even think I have seen a pants size with a single digit number since grade school, I have been thinking about alot of the same fears myself and I am just starting, I am glad I clicked on your blog this was just the motivation I needed today to make it to the gym.
    1910 days ago
    Pixie, you've nailed a lot of things I fear bang on! For me, I've acknowledged that losing weight is also "non-acceptance" or disapproval of who I am now. Something, I resent bitterly when others judge me on size (stupid, lazy, uneducated, etc.) Although, I'm still very much working on this I am countering this with positive visualization. Rather thann picturing the "new me' scorning at myself or leaving me behind, I visualize the fit me in the future reaching back to take my hand and pull me forward. While the shell of my wieght falls to the ground, I step out of my constraints in happiness.
    1910 days ago
    Thanks for your inspirational post! emoticon
    1910 days ago
    thanks.... a much needed push.
    1910 days ago
    Fear is a big factor for me too...my excess weight feels powerful and solid and insulating...when I lose it (as I have done before), I feel exposed and vulnerable...it's so good to hear from others who have these feelings too...

    The reality is though...what I fear can't really hurt me...but the excess weight can...
    So I need to emoticon through the fear and learn to feel strong from within...
    emoticon for sharing about this...

    1910 days ago
    1910 days ago
    Very honest blog. A lot of people suffering from long term depression make great strides in their fight against it and then.... stop fighting. Why? Because they are fearful of living without depression, because that is their normal.

    Let go of normal - you are awesome. Did you hear that? Awesome. So, live in your normal, which is now that of an achiever. Not the former Pixie, who didn't achieve. Hold on to the present Pixie, for she is an achiever.

    Pixie is an Achiever.
    1910 days ago
    emoticon emoticon
    1910 days ago
    Hi Pixie, as my goal weight is only a stoneĀ“s throw away, I have been experiencing similar feelings over a number of weeks. Realising that fear was holding me back, I decided to look it in the eye and walk past it - to visually and mentally leave this fear behind me, instead of letting it rear up in front of me. My strategy so far: putting on my sport shoes in the morning and trotting/jogging around the block for the proverbial 10 minutes. The rest of the day I stick to my usual workout routines and try to keep to the lower end of my calorie scale. Now a week later I have dropped another pound and am less than one single pound away from my goal weight! I have also joined the SP maintenance and transition to maintenance team - it is mind-blowing how many people become fearsome when they are near their goal! Pixie - your blogs have helped so many people on their journey - listen to the cheers - we are all rooting for you now! emoticon
    1910 days ago
    Yes, I have been there, done that. Regain sucks but yet with it brings a 'blend into the wall' feeling. For me I think the regain, being there once before, is scarier than being at goal. Then again, I haven't been at goal. ...
    1910 days ago
    I understand the fear. At one point I was 5 lbs away from my goal. It seemed inevitable that I would get there. And I thought I continued doing everything I had been doing to lose the first 60. But the weight stopped coming off. The first while I thought it was a plateau. I got so frustrated, I just couldn't undertstand why I wasn't getting to my goal. Finally, I realized I was scared. Not the same fear that you have. I mean another 5 lbs wouldn't make me look much different or even be much healthier. I was scared that once I got to goal I wouldn't have anything else to aim for, slack off and gain all the weight back. I stayed withing 5 - 10 lbs of goal for over a year.

    That fear was dumb, because I ended up gaining 20 lbs back anyway and now that I have 30 lbs to goal, I still can't seem to get my act back to where it was.

    I now wish I had been happy with my 5 - 10 lbs to goal and not made myself crazy to the point of sabotaging everything I'd worked so hard for. Don't you do it. You've come too far. Give this thing your all because it's what you want.

    1910 days ago
    Wow, wow, wow! I needed this. After a huge stall and regain, I'm just jumping back in. This blog was so hard for me to read, because it hit so very close to something in me. As a few folks said, thank you for so bravely stating something we hate to acknowledge!
    1910 days ago
    emoticon emoticon
    1910 days ago
  • JAMER123
    Your mind can be the one hindrance to what you want for goals. I know I sabotage myself & sitting with a long term plateau, one often has to fight the "mind over matter" issues!! Thanks for a wonderful blog!! On to 35 days!!
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1910 days ago
  • JERICHO1991
    Hitting a plateau for a short time seems normal to me. I believe you will, at the right time, vary your routines and find a way to continue the path toward your goal weight and fitness level. Thanks for sharing.
    1910 days ago
    emoticon emoticon thanks I needed this!!
    1910 days ago
  • 1SALMON1
    Thank you for posting this. Many people (me included) have fear around reaching our goal weight. What you said about feeling small and vulnerable rang a bell in my head for sure. Maybe changing focus would help.. goal weight, size 10, success, those words might trigger fear. Maybe "being as healthy and fit as we possibly can" would be a less scary way to think of it, but would still get us where we want to go. Also - fear is a feeling. So is joy. and delight, and pride. When I read your blog about running with your son, pushing that shopping cart, I was so moved; it made me happy and hopeful. Those feelings you wrote about, they have power too, and they will carry you forward. Keep going - lots of folks are coming along with you & we will be there for each other!
    1910 days ago
  • BUMPS2
    YOU ARE AMAZING! I know from others with past business experience I found out from clients that they become fearful. t think it is sometimes human nature to 'be afraid of success'.

    But YOU have been to the top. Put your blinders back on; get focused; and JUST DO IT.

    Good Job.
    1910 days ago
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