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School Project and Fears

Saturday, March 23, 2013

An assignment for one of my classes: an annotated bibliography. For those who are unsure as to what this means a bibliography is a list of sources and the fact that it needs to be annotated means that I have to write a small paragraph on what the book, article etc contains. A basic summary of the information found with - if possible a bit of the author's background etc.

We were allowed to choose our own topics. Not knowing what to pick I decided my research question that I'd answer with the sources I chose: Does nutrition have any impact on cancer? that I am starting to read these books and articles, all these fears are coming up. According to one of the books I read, my lymphoma - even though I'm ''cured'' -has a 80% chance of coming back considering what stage I was labelled and my symptoms. I'm starting to panic inside. I have the worse luck out of anyone I know. With my luck it will be back- the only question is: when?

Another thing another mentions is that communication with your doctor and health team is important. I am about to admit someone I've kept to myself: when asked how I was doing during each treatment when the nurse came around with her little questionnaire, I LIED. There I said it.

The nurse's standard questionnaire asked:

''In the past 24 hrs have you had an:
-Tingling in hand and feet?
-Constipation/ diarrhea?

How's your energy? Appetite? Sleep?''

Things like that were asked at each appointment. At first, I was honest but then -I'd estimate around the 4th or 5th treatment out of 16-I realized 2 things: 1) me saying all this was giving them insight that I did NOT want them to have and 2) me complaining made me sound whiny and I was being dependent on them. 2 things I hate being.

Not only that but I'm used to lying about how I feel; physically emotionally or mentally. *Snort* When the words ''I'm okay'' or ''I'm fine'' come out of my mouth I'm the only one who seems to realize something's wrong.

What or how I'm feeling doesn't matter. What does matter is that to everyone else I'm okay; I'm not fragile; I'm NOT! emoticon After all as one of my favorite songs goes:

''How does it feel on your half of the world? If you'd ask they'd say nothings changed on mine.

Just because I tell a joke or two, and believe I've got the whole world fooled,
Done a damn good job to hide the hurt behind the lies.

Didn't even tell my mama, even my best friend,
How you walked out and took my pride.
I've been living on the outside dying on the inside''.

Instead what matters is what everyone thinks and sees. I'm too used to being the COMFORTER I hate being the COMFORTED. There are very few people I feel I can be vulnerable around. That I believe, all comes down to trust- I do not trust easily. Takes me years in fact.

Wow, felt really good to get that all out! Thanks your listening- you guys are emoticon
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I understand where you come from. But it is true that if you don't tell your doctor what is really going on, how can you expect them to treat you right? It is a learning process, you'll learn when it is important to tell and when it doesn't matter.
    1883 days ago
    I think one way to head things off is by being honest about how you are feeling with your medical providers. I also lie to most people about how I am feeling because I don't want sympathy or pity, but the doctor's office is once place I am honest. Mostly because I am afraid of the consequences if I am not.
    1884 days ago
    One thing you said that struck me - that you are the most unlucky person.
    I think it's lucky that you found spark people and all of us (although you should be talking honestly to your parents and doctors, at least you are being honest somewhere)
    And with most every cancer, there is a chance it will return, that's why people mark the anniversaries of when they are Cancer free. But a positive attitude does wonders, I'm trying to think of the author who writes about that, I can't remember now.

    It's funny that you insist you are the comforter and are not fragile. I on the other hand AM a comforter, who needs comforting to rebuild my reserves. And lately feel so very fragile. I have a friend who insists I'm strong, but inside I feel so weak, but I am a strong person. In some respects we are opposite end of the same candle. It's ok to let people help support you, it helps build up your reserves and helps them to be better people.

    Take care and be well, and know that you are prayed for daily - at least by me! (((HUGS!)))
    1884 days ago
  • BOBBYD31
    i hope that you do start feeling good soon and i also hope that you can find it in yourself to let a few people into your life, to share your ups and downs, to lend a shoulder to cry on, and to give you the support you say you don't want. i get that it is hard for you but give it a try once in a while you may be surprised
    1884 days ago
  • EMMYLOU010409
    Thank you for sharking. I'm so glad you had this place to unload.

    I'm pretty independent when it comes to my feelings/health, too, but you know how serious your issues are-- it's not just a cold! Be smart, be honest. Take care of yourself. Sometimes that means letting others help.

    Get better, feel better, be better. You can do it!

    Also, as an English major, I hated annotated bibs. Such a waste of time. Blugh.
    1884 days ago
    I'm not as sure as you are. When I went back for a blood test about a week ago my usual nurse was all, ''I'm glad you are feeling so good. But then again you didn't have that many side-effects so it shouldn't be too long before you are back to normal''. And i am REALLY starting to HATE that word.
    1885 days ago
    I'm sure that the nurses, trained as they are, were not as easily fooled as you think they were. When we are hurting, sick, etc. it is almost impossible for our eyes to not give it away to the people that are trained to see the tell tale signs. I guarantee that the nurses and Dr.s are used to people not being 100% factual on those questionnaires and can tell when someone is fibbing.

    If you really feel strongly about not being honest, make an appointment to go back and talk to the Dr. and explain to him that you were not being completely factual with your answers.
    1885 days ago
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