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My Mother Said This Would Happen.

Saturday, March 23, 2013

I'd like to begin with a picture from the past:

I'm in the center before an open water race 10 years ago. I remember posing for this picture and the first time I saw this picture. Posing for this picture I felt uncomfortable and miserable. I wanted nothing more than to avoid actually posing for this picture. I was hung over, apathetic, and really just wanted to plunge my head into the ocean immediately. Not to mention I also thought I was fat.

My mother always told me one day that would happen. I would look back and think to myself, "How could you have been so hard on yourself?"

A few months later a friend of mine put this picture in an album as a gift. That was the first time I ever saw this picture and the worst part was that I didn't realize I was in the picture. I thought it was just a group of my friends. I never saw myself as that thin, smiley, or even tan. It also helped me understand the eating disorder I was battling, but never sought professional help for. The scary part was that for years I fought to return to that image every time I realized I was gaining weight. I was JEALOUS of the girl in the picture.

Every once in a while I still am. Each time I catch myself with those unhealthy thoughts I remember the emotional turmoil you can't see in that picture. That this time I will maintain a perspective of well-rounded health. The number on the scale is not the determination of happiness - and quite frankly it isn't always the sign of healthiness. 10 years ago I might have had the perfect BMI, body fat, and jeans size, but at what cost?

This time I am working on the outside from the inside. So I post this picture as a reminder to never get carried away, to never become obsessed, crazy or angry about any number on this journey or at the end of it - not calories, not fat, not weight, not pants size. I will not solve these things with apathy or control; I will get down to the root and accept myself for better or worse, just like the people who already love me for me.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Dear Zero2Hero,

    Your blog makes you my hero! You have the perspective that I WISH I had had at your age. If I had, I wouldn't have had to: have years of therapy /dr's visits, beat myself up so much, had such anxiety, and (most especially) hated my body so very, very much!!

    I'm taking your words " . . . that the number on the scale doesn't determine my happiness . . . " and using it in in my own positive self talk. Your words make a difference and will be helping me!

    In the meantime, I continue to wish you all the best on your road to healthiness! And "ten mucho cuidado" means "take good care"!
    All the best! sincerely,Riisa emoticon
    1853 days ago
    Wonderful blog! When I was young I also was a lot thinner and thought I was too heavy. Always critical of every pound, bump or imperfection. Now, I accept me, imperfections and all. Good for us!
    1853 days ago
  • SUNSHINE99999
    Wow, you have all the knowledge you need to become a healthy you. So, I encourage you to live it out for you can do it. I raise my water glass to your successes. emoticon
    1853 days ago
    Stay motivated!
    1853 days ago
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