80,000-99,999 SparkPoints 89,308

Broke a promise to myself and it's a good thing.

Friday, March 22, 2013

Years ago I said to myself that if I ever got so heavy that I weighed 300+lbs then I should just kill myself. I have been fighting and dealing with depression on my own for probably about over 20 years now and can recall trying to kill myself semi-annually since I was 7 and stopped when I was about 20. I would like to say that I stopped because I realized it wasn't solving anything but the truth is I just saw myself as weak, a coward and lacking the strength to actually go through with it.

Well I am now over 300 and I can picture myself putting a gun in my mouth and pulling the trigger, the only thing stopping me is the fear that no one will take care of my dog (my four legged child). I am actually pounds away from my Mother's heaviest weight which was 330 and its killing me on the inside. The only difference between my Mother and I is that my Mom had a rare disease called Cushing's which caused her weight.

All this is weighing on my mind and I feel like I am falling through a downward spiral. Through some self discovery I realized I have been a self injurer since high school and instead of cutting I used food. A couple years ago I took food out of my coping mechanism and started cutting; I found a way to cut with out it hurting. I have been fighting the urge to cut for months now, I just might give in soon.

I wish I had a job, I wish I had health insurance, I wish I could get help from mental health professionals but I don't know where to go. I have no job, no money, no insurance. I am going back to high school. When I look at myself or think of my body the image of me holding a knife and just stabbing my stomach over and over and over again is constantly playing in my head.
I don't know if I should make this public, it scares me, scares me what people might think. I am not writing this for a pity party, I think maybe I just need to rant, just need to type my feelings out. I want to cry. I want to slice, I want to see the blood dripping down my arms. I feel numb inside, it feels like there's a pit of emptiness inside of me and I'm just falling in.

I just feel like I will never lose this weight....
Share This Post With Others
Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • ADZY86
    I just stumbled across your page and this blog and I want to reach out and giv eyou a massive emoticon There is SO much support on Spark for you, please always reach out when you're feeling low. And don't be scared of what anyone here might or might not think; we have all been through struggles, and the amazing thing about this community is that we are all in it together.

    You are beautiful and worth it. 300 is just a number, and the important thing is that you are working on it. Keep going, because you ARE WORTH IT.
    1862 days ago
  • UNICORN212
    I saw from your page you are in SE Mass. You need to locate a help-line near you - here is a link. Around page 63 are phone numbers grouped by different areas of the state. Please call someone. There is free help out there.
    1878 days ago
  • AMBER281
    1878 days ago
    I am sorry you are going through this. Please know you are not alone.... and maybe this article can help you find mental help without insurance:

    You are a beautiful young woman at any weight, and 300 is just a number. You can recover from these negative thought patterns...please don't lose faith in yourself.

    1885 days ago
    I do think you should see someone for help with depression and self-injury. Try your local County health department. Most offer free counseling if you are low income and uninsured. Medication truly can help. emoticon
    1885 days ago
  • LRB444
    I really am not sure how to help.

    I can say that I've had some of those feelings as well. It took me too long to realize that if I surrender to what is and give myself permission to find peace & some positivity the path life brings is much easier.

    You truly are a gorgeous woman, and I'm not just saying that to be nice. I mean it.

    Is there any activity (exercise) that you enjoy? If so, then do that. Even if it's turning music on in your room and dancing. I'm a terrible dancer, but it is so fun. I figure if I'm having fun doing it then that's all that matters. You obviously love your dog as I do. Walk your sweet dog. It's a great bonding experience for both of you. It doesn't have to be a fast or long walk....just go at a pace that feels peaceful to you.

    Coming from someone (me) who struggles with depression & anxiety I will be bold and completely honest & say exercise (of any kind) is the best medication for these ailments. I literally tell myself that my exercise is my medication and fight (some days the fight is harder than others) to keep moving.

    Don't think about it. Don't analyze why you don't want to. Just do it and I promise that you will begin to feel better very quickly.

    Hugs friend!

    1885 days ago
  • Add Your Comment to the Blog Post

    Log in to post a comment

    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.