Depression and Husbands...

Friday, March 22, 2013

Sometimes I just feel like I am not going to be enough.

Take these meds to help with your depression anxiety - feel like a failure for having to take them and not just "suck it up".

-- or --

Take no meds, but be unstable and hear about how I am difficult to deal with and "need to get myself into check".

I recently went back on a benzo after much discussion/heated argument with my doctor. My anxiety disorder was getting out of control. The problem? My husband is terrified of having them in the house. He has reason - I am a recovering alcoholic (sober over 18mos and very, very proud). My husband loves me, and he gets it to a degree, but sometimes he let's my good days blind him to just how bad my bad days are. And that makes seeking help from medications difficult. That's why I ended up becoming an alcoholic - to self-medicate. I understand that I have what many would refer to as an "addictive personality", but I have been a model of recovery. And I have NEVER had issues with pills. Yes, I understand the risks, but they are greatly outweighed by the benefits for someone like me, who was getting to the point that my anxiety was keeping me from making it through my day without a full blown panic attack.

My husband is an amazing person, and he tries to be supportive in this. But he also makes things so difficult sometimes by not fully understanding that having Panic Disorder/Psychotic Depression (yeah, sounds fun, eh?) is more than your typical "take this antidepressant and see a therapist 3x a week" diagnosis. It's a full blown struggle.

I know it has little to do with weight loss, but it has everything to do with my self image and who I am. I am fine 95% of the time -- you'd never know.

I'm not looking for anything out of this post. I guess I'm more just venting and want to know that it's ok to be me. That asking for help is ok.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    It is always okay to ask for help. And I'm in the exact same boat as you. I have PTSD and there are days when I'm just unstable and hard to handle. But it is ALWAYS okay to ask for help.
    2529 days ago
  • no profile photo CD6599363
    It is more than okay to ask for help. Hang in there!
    2530 days ago
    2530 days ago
  • MLH148
    It always takes me aback that taking medicine for you high blood pressure or diabetes isn't seen as weakness. Why don't diabetics just suck it up and get their insulin under control? As long as your physician is aware of your history, s/he should be more than able to prescribe responsibly. I hope you enjoy you 95% good days
    2530 days ago
  • no profile photo CD9299170
    It's definitely OK to ask for help, and more than OK to be you. You are a gift, although it may seem like your life is a struggle at times. Hang in there, and never hesitate to ask for help when you need it. Good luck, and all the best to you!
    2530 days ago
    Recognizing that you need help and medication is the first step in managing your health. Depression/anxiety is an illness, just like diabletes is an illness and there is no shame in it.

    I've had a similar struggle all my adult life and I know I need meds. The times I've decided to not take them, I always ended up crawling back to the Dr. for help.

    My husband is very supportive and understanding, but I know there are times when he gets frustrated with my anxiety levels.

    Panic attacks are not fun.. I know, I've had a few and ended up in Emergency as I thought I was having a heart attack. I keep ativan in the house, just in case and most months I never need to take them, but just knowing I have them, calms me down.

    I wish you well.. You are doing everything right to manage your illness!!!

    I find living a healthy lifestyle really works well for me also.

    2530 days ago
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