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I will see you later...

Friday, March 22, 2013

"You will not ever be forgotten by me / In the procession of the mighty stars / Your name is sang and tattooed now on my heart / Here I will carry, carry, carry you.” -Tori Amos

My dad or Dooie as I have always called him is gone. I can say the words but I do not feel his absence yet. My mind and heart have not registered the sorrow to come. I am still processing the last few days of his life. Still fresh in my mind the horrors that I had to smile through and be strong for seeing him crumpled under tubes and hoses of life support until finally the doctors said there was nothing they could do. Watching him refuse food, drink and pain medication so he could be conscious enough to tell us that he loves us. I had to witness him stare off in the distance, close his eyes, and let out his last breath. How even after he passed peacefully in Hospice he looked like he was asleep.

I’ve dealt with a lot loss my whole life. This one seems different though. I have the biggest fear that when this grief hits that it will be so strong it will cause to me to shatter into a million pieces. Then I wonder how I will even have the strength to pick up those pieces and move on. However, I realize in order for things to get better sometimes they need to fall apart. When his absence is felt; when it really hits me I will be devastated but I will move on in this world without him knowing I had the privilege of being his daughter- “The Good One” as he called me. (lol joke between him and I!) I will honor his life by living my own. I will carry with me the lessons and skills he taught me.

My dad was everyone’s dad. He had so many “strays” that he considered his kids. He passed on his skills as a jack of all trades to anyone who wished to learn them. He was an expert craftsman, carpenter, plumber, mechanic etc. If something needed fixed we called him! By trade he was a heat and frost insulator. He worked on most of the buildings in downtown Akron and all over Ohio. He also worked at the Perry Nuclear Power Plant for a few jobs. He may have had a high school diplioma but he was educated by life. If there was money out there to be made he had a skill that could help you make it! He was also a grumpy old man for which everyone found humor in his crankiness. He was obstinate but fair.

He will be truly missed. He was my only parent. My only family. I am alone in this world now. Scary thought.

I never said goodbye to him. I only said, “Dooie…I love you and I will see you later.” He replied, “Ok. I love you.” I hope I will see him later.

emoticon Lula

Me holding my dads hand while he was on life support in the MICU before being transferred to Hospice where he passed peacefully. Oddly this picture comforts me so much.

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